Crushed Under Clutter/Spilling the Speghetti

Ever get to the point in life where you are so overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions, goals, to do's, etc that you almost just can't even function?

I feel that way right now.
In an attempt to share each other's convictions/passions and get more involved in the church my fiance and I committed to WAY to many things.
Though some of them are temporary they are equally if not more draining than the long term service commitments.
We are:
Doing upward pictures,
Serving in AWANA's
taking a life institute class
taking a financial peace class
serving in the choir
and are already currently a part of a small group.
What the heck were we thinking?
On top of that we both have jobs that can be fairly unpredictable, families who are going through difficult times on both sides, and premarital counseling and wedding planning.
Each one of these things requires time, thought, emotion, and spiritual attention. This passed week I have felt convicted ... or rather attacked.
I feel as though every time I take a step I'n being yelled at or beaten up in a spiritual manner. (I know this sounds very charismatic, lion roaring mystical Christan-like but I'm simply referring to spiritual warfare.)
I feel spiritually attacked and reminded of sin, past present and future. I feel pressed and hurt and filthy, alone in the midst of people who love me, and unloveable even around the person who's about to take me as his wife.
This is that ever dreaded place in life where your head tells you what it knows to be true but your heart denies it because of those pesky things humans have called feelings.
This is where we're supposed to tell satan to shove off, stand our ground, and look to Christ. Where the waters rage, the seas roar and hope and light seem to have disappeared although we know better than to trust what we feel.
This is one of those places in life that just... really stinks.
Questions arise that shake the foundation. Am I really saved? How do I know? Why do I feel this way? Am I where I should be? What do I change? Where is God?
Life is so messy, emotions are so fragile, and people are so errant.
What would the world be like without a God who sent a perfect ransom for our sins?
I don't even dare to imagine.

Wisdom

Proverbs says wisdom begins with understanding, but where does understanding begin? James says that if we ask for wisdom we will recieve it.
How do you know if you have it? I guess if you don't know you don't have it, or maybe if you think you're wise you really aren't?
I don't know.
All I know is that I need wisdom and I need direction from God.
What do I do? I ask on a regular basis, seek it in the Bible, but don't feel as though I have any answers yet.
I guess waiting on the Lord is where Patience begins.

Dear God,

I don't think anyone reads this anymore. Not that I can blame them, I wouldn't.
Lord, I don't even know where to begin.
Often times when I pray, I pray the same basic prayer. I thank you for the blessings you've given me, I ask for your blessings, I ask that you'd get George over here, give Justin a new and amazing job, I ask for your rest anf relief over my parents, I ask for your grace and wisdom and understanding in my relationships, and other little requests as I am aware of them.
Sometimes I pray just because I know I need to, or because I'm PLANNING on reading your word and feel like I should pray before opening it. Lately I don't ever get to that part. I don't want to read. I want to be like Jesus but I don't want to read your scriptures, the "how to" book for my goals.
I started thinking about this more... Why don't I want to read? I want to WANT to read... Because, I get so sick and tired of just being patient and trying to do everything right! I'm not hearing you! Where are you?
I'm so angry! I know you love your children and I know you have plans for us and are above all things. I don't care if we are chosen or free, if bad things happen because of sin or because of your greater plan, it doesn't matter, you're "sovereign" and I don't even always know what that means but I know there is nothing outside of your power! So why? Why do I feel as though you aren't listening? I know you're there. I know you're watching my brother cling to what he knows is true and look to you as he struggles with the frustrations of his job and the lack of change in his career. He's not he only one praying, we're lifting him up to you so why don't you do something? I know you see my sister's agony, I know you see her heart and our pain for her suituation, I know you are hearing the hundreds of prayers that people are praying just to get George here and make her feel whole again. I know you watch my mom tearfully read out loud her words to my dad wishing she could do something. I know you see my parents pray and read your word everyday. Asking for your guidance and wisdom, and I know you see me struggling to know where I'm supposed to be at any given moment as it relates to one person or another.
Why aren't you doing anything God? What the hell?! I don't feel like this on a regular basis but things are crazy. I feel so lonely. Am I really always doing something wrong or is that Satan trying to hit me while I'm down? Am I really a rock of offense to everyone? Or is that I lie that is beginning to feel like the truth?
Lord I am crying out to you in all honesty, no "this is how I should pray" no thought to specific words or how they might be taken.
You know my heart. You know my desires and I know you understand our human emotions and the self control we struggle to have over them.
I just don't understand.
Maybe it's a bad week. Maybe I'm just naive, or maybe I really am just an idiot and need to figure out how to get my act together, If that's the case I really need your help.
God I don't want to feel so seperated anymore. I don't want to feel like I only add hurt or dissapointment to people's lives. That's not in keeping with your son's example of life.
Father I am so sick of this! I just want to be done! I can't say the right thing, do the right thing, be there at the right time, ...
I don't even know what I'm doing on a day to day basis.
I wish I could fix everything for everyone. I wish I could be the exact opposite of what it feels like I am.
I don't want to be the one they put up with or only see every now and then. I don't want to be ... God do you hear me?
You know my heart.
Help me not to be angry, or bitter.
Give me ears to hear and eyes to see, a heart like yours and a mind to recieve.
Give my the discipline and dilligence to do hard things, right things, ever when I don't want to.
Father remind me of your love and mercy.
Give me faith and trust.
Make me more like your son.

In Jesus' Name
Amen

Preparing for Marriage

If you are married or looking into marriage please respond.

What is preparing for marriage? What works? Is premarital prep and counseling really about reading books and answering questions?
Honestly I like going through questions with my fiance. It kinda feels like a game!
How do we feel about this that and the other, who takes out the trash, turns off the lights, decorates the house, does the yard (once there is one.) These are great questions! Things you don't want to be surprised by once living together.
But I find myself with a list of books to read that keeps getting longer as people give their input. I don't mind reading, in fact, my job gives me plenty of time to do so but a lot of these books, I'd like to do WITH Ryan and he doesn't have the same availability.
I'm reading my word and thinking constantly about my roll as wife.
I think about how I'm going to cook, shop, do laundry, decorate our living space, respond to Ryan under all possible circumstances.
We've talked about the important stuff, we are CURRENTLY working on finances and discussing where and how we will live in a way that is wise and God-honoring.
But I somehow feel... unprepared.
I feel lonely... I think I'm selfish...
I've never EVER wished to be an only child! I can't imagine life any differently, BUT, when I think about some of the silly times I've had just me and mom and the questions I've been able to ask and the things I've found out...(YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE....) Sometimes when I come home I selfishly expect no one else to be there, for her to be in a happy mood, and for us to be able to talk.
But, I have several brother's and sisters, my mom has a lot on her plate, and sometimes I don't even have anything to talk about, I just feel more prepared to be a wife when I talk to my mommy... That sounds dumb but really it's because she is such a good wife I think I just want her to rub off on me.

In my dream world this is how it works:
Ryan's schedule is predictable and so our planning is so much easier.
I get off work and head home, open the door put my things away and sit down with my mom.
At that point we discuss some wedding planning and then it's class time. We talk about menu planning, grocery shopping, recipes, chores, fun things to do that don't cost money, how to stay on top of a budget, what to think about when planning honeymoon, family planning, etc.
In my dream world my mom does all the work... that's horribly selfish.
I never know when Ryan's going to be home or if he has something planned on the days I see him, I've kind of just learned to adjust to his schedule and I think I'll be better at it once we're married but we're still engaged and I still want time with my family and balancing things out, figuring out what I want and what I need to do to make it happen is hard.
Life is messy, I've never been naturally neat... me and life... make BIG messes.

Here's what I've learned. God places people and resourses in our lives at the right time for very good reasons. How and if we use them is up to us... sometimes the time in which we have these resourses is limited and we don't realize how long we've had them until we almost can't have them anymore... or maybe that's just me... wouldn't be surprised.

Finding a perfect Godly balance to living life isn't easy.
Relating to everyone in a Christ like manner despite how we feel or are treated or what the situation is... whatever... just isn't easy.
I'm human, I get mad, I feel hurt, I don't wanna be just as nice to my friend who's being difficult and harsh, as I do to my friend who's just sweet and easy to get along with.
That doesn't mean I don't love them equally. Or that I shouldn't treat them both with the same amount of love and grace.
God calls us to do hard things... I don't always get it but I'm sure there's some reason for it. ;)

How does one prepare for marriage? Where is the balance between the almost and the not yet. Almost everyone I know who's married went from living on their own to living with their spouse. And that's cool but I want a good picture of living at home and spending time with your family while still giving ample time to preparing with Mr. Fiance.
I want both parties to feel like they're getting enough of my love and attention and I want to feel like I'm getting enough of both parties without offending one or the other or both in the process.

God, you're a perfect God. Neat, organized, all knowing... why messy life? Really? Cant you clean it up and make it a bit simpler?
Or at least just show me how to navigate it.

Married? How's it going? What are the top 3 things you've learned since being married? What was the best thing you did to prepare?
What advice can you give me?

Some Lists

BOOKS I'M READING(or about to read)

-Living the Cross Centered Life
-Reforming Marriage (Part of premarital counseling.)
-Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover
-Love and Respect
-The Five Love Languages
-The Excellent Wife
-Preparing for Marriage
-So You Wanna Be Like Christ
-Costa Rica Vacationing

THINGS I'M GOING TO DO WITH MONEY (When I get it.)

-Pay off my credit card (and cancel it.)
-Buy some of the above books
-Register for my churches Women's retreat
-Buy some wedding music from itunes (gradually.)
-Revamp my wardrobe (Gradually, I have crappy clothes AND SHOES =(
-Work on a special project for my college bound friend (a shadow box)
-Start buying gifts for my special attendants (gradually.)

THINGS I'M DOING THIS WEEK (Lord Willing)

-Reading carefully and thouroughly through James and 1&2 Peter (My favorite books of the Bible and easily applicable to life. Lots of meat.)
-Spending good quality time in Prayer and quiet time w/ my savior
-Spending good (unplanned) quality time with my family
-Looking at and researching wedding venues and such things
-Working with and going on walks with Teige (the baby I care for)
-Swing Dancing w/ my fiance and small group
-Getting my oil changed (blah!)
-Getting a copy of my birth certificate (proving more difficult than expected)
-Studying and preparing with my fiance, and just having a good time.
-Personal Reading

Just Some Thoughts...

I've been off of my blog for a long time. I did some catching up with some of my fellow bloggers and it did me some good.
I can't not laugh when browsing through Mr A's posts. He's good for my heart.

So things in my life have been up and down lately.
I'm easily distracted, but no thank you I don't need a pill or an ADD label, I just need to focus.

To be honest the most common feeling I have right now is a sense of being torn. Or stretched.
I'm engaged, I'm very happy and looking forward to wedding day and every day to follow. But I'm sad, I'm dissapointed. I feel like crying when I think about how different, and how much better things would be right now IF...
If I had established better relationships,
If I had just worked on some relationships,
If I had stayed focused on Christ,
If I hadn't done that thing, or made those choices,
If I hadn't been who I was.
My life is full of mistakes and immaturity, and I know I can be naive. Life doesn't work without consequence and I think I just lose track of how memorable some of our actions can be to other people, other people affected by them.
And yet again I find myself in an inbetween. The already but not yet stage.
I've discovored I'm not very good at balancing things evenly.
I am learning how to be engaged, and it's not easy. In antisipation of getting married I tend to want to jump into things but I don't like not spending good time with my family.
And I want my fiance to be a part of my family but if things don't fall into place I can't force it. (It's like a puzzle peice.) And now as I'm seeing our future together, being one (like one puzzle peice) I'm trying to figure out where and how we refit into our families and communities etc.
I'm thinking about where we're going to live, how we're going to live, who's going to be a big part of our lives, what friends will we have what family will we be close to...

We talk a lot, ask a lot of questions and are trying to figure things out, but in the process of discussing how we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, things get complicated. We don't always understand each other right away and it's not always fun or easy. And all relationships take work and of course when you start thinking about living with another person things come up that wouldn't have before and you learn through that process.

I guess I just can't help but wish things were different. And I don't mean to sound ungreatful. I love my fiance more than I ever thought I could love a person and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. But I pray for several things on a regular basis and am having a hard time seeing God's plan in all of it.
God why isn't my sister's fiance here?
Why doesn't my brother have a different job?
Why isn't there more security in my dad's job?
I ask for wisdom and understanding on a DAILY basis but just keep seeing myself fall on my face over the simplist things.
I pray for financial blessing and wisdom, for preperation and overall just Christ-likeness and a God-centered life for me and Ryan and I can't help but feel nervous about it. I know it's not going to be easy, I don't really want it to be but I would like a little assurance, and I have faith. I think everything's going to be fine, I just didn't have the eyes to see things as realistically as I do now, and that's good because I'm thinking and praying and seeking and reading and doing all that I know to do!

My hearts desire is to be a child of God that pleases the father. A biblical wife, virtuous woman, and whole hearted follower of Christ.

I feel like a little girl playing dress up. I know I have a lot more learning and maturing to do, I still have a ways to grow, but sometimes I just wish that when God's hand seems far he would just show it to me in some small way. Remind me that everything really is okay. I know it is, I believe God is in control and has a plan for me and Ryan, for my brother and sister, and parents. I don't always understand it but ... it's there.

This Is Where I Am

I am currently at work, (The baby is sleeping.)
I am currently working for a women who asks a lot of questions about my life and I hope and pray that what I speak and how I live is honorable to Christ.
I am currently in a place where, for the past several weeks I was praying and asking for Gos just to speak to me. It had been quiet, my readings and most (not all) the sermons I heard still left me hungry and thirsty and now...
I am currently in a place where I am hearing so much, seeing so much that needs to be changed its incredible but it's rough because it's so much that it's all jumbled up and I need to think it out and figure out what to do first and how to go about making my life more like Christ's
But still, I am currently in a place where I can hear.
I am currently in a place where I can feel conviction,
I am suddenly more aware of all the things I was working on and just forgot about or let go of along the way.
I am... currently relying on God to show me how I should live.
And I pray that my focus and my will stays right here, completely devoted to my savior.



YOU ARE

on my knees in your presence, I call out your name
Father, please see my effort, I need your grace.
I have the desire to follow you comepletely,
But I'm lacking the strength to let go of everything.

But father you are, all that I need,
Father you are, my strength when I'm weak.
You are life, you are hope,
You are joy, You're my home,
and I'm giving you all that I am

I'll let go of my plans and my selfish desires
Father, you're what I want, come and kindle this fire.
I'm giving you all of me, every insecurity,
I want you to define me, and for the whole world to see
I am yours, I am yours

father you are, all that I need,
father you are, my strength when I'm weak
You are life, you are hope,
You are joy, you're my home,
and I'm giving you all I am

I'll let go of my greed and my thoughts full of vanity
'Cause father you're all I need and you are true beauty
Make me humble & gentle with a heart just like yours
Break my pride, make me less so that you become more.
I need you more, I need you more.

Father you are, all that I need
Father you are, my strength when I'm weak.
You are life, you are hope
you are joy, you're my home,
and I'm giving you all that I am
Help me give you all that I am
Help me live with all that I am,
only for you.

It's been a long time since I blogged. I feel like I've been learning a lot! And now things are slowing down a bit so I have time to stop and take it all in.
In the past month or two a lot has happened:
I lost my job,
I started school,
I got engaged,
I found a job,
and I finished school.

I learned a lot about photography and the human eyes and brain. I've learned a lot about relationships and my spiritual walk with Christ.
I'm continuing to learn and relearn new things every day which is something I need to keep in mind. I'm always learning, whether I realize it or not.

One of the most powerful ways for me to learn something is the least enjoyable way.
Conviction. I learn a lot about myself and my God when I feel an overwheling conviction. It puts me back in my place, humbles my heart once again, and reminds me who I am and why I'm here and how great and mighty our god is.

My most recent conviction is this:
Theology and Study. This has SEVERAL different aspects to it. I was at church just yesterday evening and heard the first of a new sermon series called 20 questions. Each sermon addresses a doctrine as a question and by answering.
Yesterday's sermon was: Why Study Theology?
I started to tune out automatically because when I think theology I think old stuffy men, giant unreadable texts, argumentative people and concepts I can't comprehend.
It's daunting really and not at all interesting to me in that way. It feels like the part of school I'd be destined to struggle with.
But the word Theology was redefined as "Knowing God and thinking his thoughts after him." This is a MUCH better picture in my head. I don't want to know books or other people's opinions on difficult and inapplicable topics. I want to know my savior, my heavenly father, and have a good understanding of all that he is and does and will continue to do. However there is still this huge block, this "Study" thing, this "understanding" aspect to it all.
I'm gonna be totalloy honest, it's REALLY difficult for me to read much of the Bible. It's hard for me to grasp the point or the purpose in a lot of passages or figure out how to apply it to my everyday life. I often times come away feeling stupid or inadequate. I don't want to be one of those Christians Paul talks about who have been saved so long that they should be teachers but can still only handle milk. I give up too easily. I feel defeated when I don't understand something and stupid for having to ask and I get frustrated because of those feelings and get to the point where I really just don't even want to read my Bible! But that's not right, I know that's not right. I'm never going to learn or comprehend things if I don't give it the time and effort it needs. Maybe I need a study Bible, some references, and a study ethic. I need to learn how to study, I mean really study my Bible. Not just read it and check it off the list not even retaining what I read, I mean reading and KNOWING God's word.
I pray for wisdom, discernment, and understanding nearly every day but don't do anything to get there. I'm not training myself or teaching myself any of these things or even really making the effort and that needs to change.
We are to have a real relationship with our heavenly father, and just like any relationship, it won't get deep and intimate if you don't get to know each other. God already knows all there is to know about me. But have I really taken the time to get to know him? Have I devoted enough time to prayer and study to really know him, to become sensitive to the Holy Spirit, to know when he's speaking into my life and how to live as a light unto the world, to go and make disciples, be a true witness?
I don't think I have. And this is my conviction. I should be doing all of these things confidently. I should know MUCH more than I do. I have had access to the Bible since I was able to read and there are people risking their lives just to get their hands on one and read it.
How selfish and self centered I've realized I am.
Giving up on such important things without even thinking about it. Why? Because it's too hard. Because it's uncomfortable. Because it makes ME feel stupid.
What I child. And to think we have such a patient merciful God, watching over us, guiding and waiting for us to see what life is really about.
Not me, not my feelings or desires. But Him. His will, and His kigdom.
I think it was John who said: I must decrease so he may increase. (Or something like that.)

June 27th 2009

What an incredibly boring title to post under huh? Well, I'm not really sure what all this post will contain seeing as though I'm VERY behind in my blogging.
I haven't written or updated anything in quite some time and life has been fairly interesting.

Lately I have felt convicted and discouraged, but then motivated and encouraged. God is really good about hitting me hard when I need humbled or confronted about things and letting it sink in enough to really effect me but then help me back up and get me going on the right track.
Some of the things that happened this month seemed to be God getting my attention. It's like a conversation in a different language that I can only translate in hindsight. So looking back over this month this is what I translate:

Me- Ladee da dee dah, I'm so in love, I'm gonna be a photographer, I'm gonna have the perfectist happy life.... lalalalala...

God- Why don't I hear from you anymore? Have you become too busy for me?

Me- hmmm hmmm dum dee dum...

God- Do you not realize that everything you have is from me? I have plans for you, more than what you have for yourself. You're not listening like you used to...

(Some things transpire)

Me- God, where are you? I need you, things are going all wrong. I lost my job, school takes up so much time and I want to be spending it with Ryan. There's too much going on, we're moving again, Ryan started a new job and we don't have as much time as before and I need a job!

God- Why are you so anxious?

Me- Do you seriously want me to repeat all that?

God- I know exactly what's going on in your life. You don't trust me.

Me- I do too! ... I just... I want everything to be fixed... like... within the next 10 minutes.

God- I don't work like that.

Me- I know.

God- You've become too accustom to what I've given you.

Me- What do you mean?

God- You expect much of me but give me nothing. You have become selfish again, lost sight of where your passion and focus used to be. You're becoming luke warm, mediocre at best. Do you not remember what I've brought you from? I saved you from a darkness that you created, a darkness you were drowning in. Do you remember?

Me- Yes... It was horrible... I was horrible.

God- And when I brought you out, you begin to work. You, in my power in strength, began to turn things around. You put yourself behind others, you wanted to serve me, even became judicious and purposeful in daily walks with me, reading my word and speaking to me. You had convictions and direction in what being my child means and looks like, and you strived for excellence.

Me- I forgot... I miss that... I want to be on fire for you. I want that passion again. I want your wisdom and understanding and discipline. God I'm sorry.

God- Let's get back to that place, I'll give you what you ask for. You'll learn from my word and become sensitive to my spirit once again.

Okay so as corney a presentation this is, it's where I am. Over the past two days I've heard four incredible sermons, had some amazing prayer times, and some very productive Bible reading.

You know how freaking hot it is right now? Well it's like, when you go running in the morning, and it's still over 90 degrees, and when you get back, you're tired, hot and dehydrated but someone's left your favorite gatorade in the fridge, cranked up the AC, and prepped the bathroom for a shower.... no, actually it's WAY more intense than that but it's really good.

Maybe it's like having the best most refreshing drink available to you when you are the most thirsty.

I don't know, play with some imagery that works for you and get some time with Jesus today! :)

Problems, Packing, And Peace.

This past week has been such a roller coaster for me that my mind had a hard time grasping it as a whole.
My life right now is very busy... or rather, full of many different things, good and rather unpleasant.
This previous week God has shown me, and taught me SO much. I feel like I have grown, but as we all know, growing doesn't happen without some discomfort.

Some of the things in my life that I feel God is using as a growing opportunity for me is uncertainty in general.
We're moving this coming weekend to a house I've never seen in a neighborhood I'm not familiar with where I don't know how to get to work.
We're only staying there for 8 weeks until we move again to our new house where I will be until I get married. (Whenever that is.)
Secondly, there are some relationships in my life that have been less than smooth lately. I've had to remind myself that my facus and the reason for everything I do is Christ. Relationships aren't easy because people are sinful and we have to remember to look to Christ and examine ourselves as well as imitate Christ in how we relate to and treat others. This too has been a very difficult thing for me this week.
Work is another place where uncertainty lives. My schedule now consists of 30-40 hours a week and is fairly unpredictable. I often get phone calls from my boss early in the morning asking me if I'd like to come in early.
I never quite know how my day will go, who I will be working with and what mood they'll be in.
Lately I've come to realize that I work with only women (Except Brian, the co-owner with his wife) who are all working in a high stress, loud, and messy invironment, several of which could be having that horrible week in the month that makes them absolutely ridiculous to work with, and on top of that when anyone, child or worker, gets sick, you know there will soon be a wave of grumpy workers who don't feel well but can't afford to take time off.

So, we've talked of Packing, well, the process of moving, which includes packing, and we've gone over problems, working and relationship.
Now I want to discuss peace.
See, through these challenges and issues, I feel as though my faith has been challenged. I've had to preach the gospel to myself, remind myself that my worth and my life are in God and my purpose is for Him despite, where I live, what I do for a living, and who I'm with. But a lot of the peace God has granted me this week has been through the reminder that, while all that is true, it's okay for me to have a hard time, to struggle with difficult things, and to say that I don't like this and it's not fun! There's nothing wrong with that!
I've learned how to really pour my heart out to God, how to redirect my steps and complete focus (With His help of course.) and how to "Take every thought captive."
And through this VERY difficult and very LONG week, I feel like I have grown, and like much of the weight I was holding has been lifted.
I feel content, blessed, and at peace because I have a God who loves me, calls me his daughter, and loves me even when I'm angry, weary, ungrateful, or fall into sin.

I'm incredibly blessed and grateful for a Christ like family who is always here for me, always encouraging, who loves me and wants the best for me, and who cares enough to speak into my life.
I am so grateful that God has found a way to take my anxious way of thinking about life's challenges and turned it into an adventurous way of thinking. To see things as a new and ecxiting journey, a challenge to overcome, an obstacle waiting to be conquered not through my strength but the strength of Jesus Christ who saved me.
How cool is that?!

I pray that God would grant the same kind of peace and thought process to those around me and in similar circumstances.
If you're reading this, I pray this for you, and I pray that God would pour out many wonderful blessings upon your week.
Happy Sunday!

Spiritual Life

Lately I feel as though God is revealing to me more than He has over the course of my whole spiritual life, and maybe it's because I'm actually listening.
Maybe Christ has softened my heart where I'm actually able to feel and hear the Holy Spirit. It's been a really long time since I've felt that way, and yet, now I feel overwhelmed.
It seems like everyday I am convicted of so many things and am constantly reminded of how worthless and sinful I am.
Without Christ I am nothing and now that I'm really aware of my sinful thoughts, attitudes, and actions, I'm tempted to despair and fall into condemnation.
My flesh hates feeling convicted but my soul knows how good it is.
I know that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ, but everyday my prayer is to be an example of my savior and a light to the dark world I live in and everyday I feel as though I fail horribly.
There is so much about me that I want to be different, that I know should change. I know that I can't do it without Christ and I know that sanctification is progressive but sometimes I find myself before God in my prayer time, frustrated and confused, like: "God, you have the power, I have the desire, why don't you just change me?"

My work situation is very challenging. Everyday that I have to get up for work I fight negative thoughts and attitudes and have to try to bend my focus as much towards Christ as I know how but often times I fail or that focus is distracted by the tiniest little upsets in my day. I feel weak and unworthy of my savior. He has blessed me with so much and I should have a constant joy in my life simply because He calls me His but so often I find myself weary and upset just because the job that He's provided for me came with several challenges, or simply because the amazing relationship with such an incredible Godly man that He has blessed me with is difficult sometimes and has it's bumps in the road.
But still, I wouldn't change either of these things.
I love certain aspects about my job and am very happy with the pay check I get every other Friday and the relationship I'm in, ... I wouldn't trade for the world. Now that this man is in my life, I can't imagine life eithout him.

God is working on me in so many different ways. Growing me through difficulties, challenging me through conviction, reminding me to be with Him in constant prayer and studying His word.
I struggle to really grasp and keep in mind the realism of FULLY relying on God. To do that, I have to let go completely, acknowledge that I screw up when I'm in charge and that it's a gift to give God my whole life to guide and direct for His glory.

I am a selfish human being and often times forget that my purpose in life is to glorify my savior. Jesus, forgive me.
I know now that my worth is in Christ as is my purpose but I wish that I could keep that in front of all my other ways of thinking.
There are so many simple things that I forget or let myself get distracted from.
So many things that I drop the ball in and seem to fall on my face over.

God is still working in me, and one of the things He's teaching me is patience. I see the things in my life that are not like Christ and want it fixed quick and easy, right here, right now. But I've learned (And am still learning) that things happen in HIS time for a reason, and as difficult as it can be to wait for His time, it is better than my own.

Untitled and unfinished...

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy, when skies are grey,
You'll never know dear, how much I love you,
please don't take my sunshine away,
no please don't take my sunshine away.

When you hold me close to your heart,
when you wrap me up in your arms,
when I can look into your eyes,
And see the way they shine,
that's when I know, you are mine,
my sunshine.

When I take your hand,
When I say you're my man,
When we both feel secure,
And you feel adored,
that's when you know, I am yours,
I am yours.

STOP!!!.... Slow down to think on things...

So... I tend to be the kind of person who will live day to day, in the moment, out of ... well everything else.
It gets to the point sometimes where I can't even complete my own thoughts. Thus I'm inspired by Mr. A to post a "Random Thoughts" blog.
Thanks Mr. A!

I'm sick right now. And I hear I probably will be sick on and off for the next three months before my immune system gets used to being around 12 little children with runny noses, and coughs and sneezes that are never covored, 5 days a week. Time to put on my big girl panties.

We're moving! We are actually going through with it this time... has it REALLY set in? I don't think so.... I need to get better at keeping things spotless, I'm a forgetful person and not very on top of things when I'm sick... Remember the in the moment day to day statement a minute ago? ... yeah.... SORRY MOM!

I wish I knew how to chill out more. I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and stress and I'm not even sure where half of it is coming from.

My relationship with Christ is lacking... on my part of course. I'm losing motivation and desire... I feel like a bad Christian. I love to pray and be on with God... just don't like reading my Bible all the time... That needs work... starting tonight.

I want to have more discipline in every aspect of my life.

I want to learn how to save money! I mean REALLY save money.

I want to have more time for photography. I'm really hoping that will take off here pretty soon.

My work is trying to make me fat with all the kid food they feed me. It's time to start pushing away the plates.

Dr Pepper bottles are really cool toys for little kids if you fill them up with water, food coloring, and glitter!

I sleep more than I have in a very long time and am very god with sleep hygiene... why do I still feel tired? Why am I still struggling to sleep ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT?

I have an INCREDIBLE boyfriend.

I'm in love with him.

He's in love with me.

The L-bomb has officially been dropped.

40 hours a week is a lot different than I imagined it.

I can't wait for my health insurance to kick in.

By the time I have my own kids, I should have things down.

I'm going to enjoy being a wife and mother.

I love my mom... and the rest of my family.

I'm tired.

I need a shower.

I need to read my word and spend time with God.

Untitled

Shaking, shaking, shaking beneath our feet,
the earth is shaking, shaking beneath our feet.
Trembling, trembling, the world is trembling in fear.
Trembling, trembling, afraid of losing all that we hold dear.
Darkness, darkness, lurking behind corners,
Darkness is creeping down the streets.
Come home, come home, and lock all the doors,
Come in, stay in, don't leave me.
People get desperate, desperate without the Love,
the Love that we have.
People will get desperate and things will get bad.
Signs in every front yard, dad's at every job fair.
Life is gonna be be hard, and everyone will share,
in a piece of the misfortune that was served when man first fell.
The things we call unfortunate cannot compare with hell.
The hell of the pasts we may hold, the hell that may wait for some.
There's a hell that's bound to the lost man's soul, the hell that I've been rescued from.
This cannot compare with any hell I know of, but what comfort is that really?
This is still real, it's still here, and I can't say that it doesn't bother me.
My heart, it shakes, in fear of what's to come.
My heart, it breaks, for those who are worse off.
Perhaps things have to be dark for the world to see the light.
Perhaps everything must lose taste before salt is once again recognized.
Maybe the world must feel fear once again, to understand how small and helpless we all are.
Maybe God is pulling closer the world that walked so far.
Who can know heaven? Who can understand?
Who sees God's limits, and know all His plans?
Where have we placed our hope? As a planet, as a con tenant, as people.
Where do we go? When faced with trouble, hardship, and fear.
How do we endure the less pleasant pieces of life?
If our hearts our troubled and we get to the end of ourselves, to the last of our strength, will we recognise a power much bigger than our own?

Things I've Learned, or ARE Learning

I work in childcare. I am an assistant teacher in a class for 18-24 month olds and it teaches me quite a bit!

Quite a few of our kids like to learn by exploring. I've seen kids do things that they know will most likely hurt, or try something scary at least one time, they put lots of different things in their mouth to learn what it tastes like, and many other things of this sort.
This is what I would call exploretive learning.
Many of us learn by doing. We're what people call "Hands On"
Well, you guessed it, I happen to be one of these types of people. And I have definately been exploring and learning a lot in the past week or so.

Some things I've learned are:

- I don't handle a lot of change at one time as well as I would like.
- I'm more attatched to THINGS than I think maybe I should be.
- I'm suseptible to illness if caughed/sneezed on by children several times.
- I REALLY miss my man when he goes away.
- I can keep a house and care for a dog by myself fairly well. (Even a house that BOYS live in!)
- When I get really busy, tired, and or stressed... I don't spend as much time with God aas I should. (And under those circumstances I should be spending MORE time with God.)
- I'm more of a perfectionist than I realized and hate feeling like a mediocre worker/family member/girlfriend etc.
- My confidence is in Christ and Christ alone and I tend to be more ensecure and anxious when I'm not as strong spiritually.
- God's peace is the only thing that makes everything "All Better!"
- Relying on God isn't as difficult as I make it sometimes...(Other times it really is just hard.)
- God gave us special people to rely on and be there for when going through difficult time.
- I'm SUPPOSED to face hardship and sometimes just have to be patient.
- I'm not very patient.
- I can work a full time job pretty well! =)
- God gives us passions for a reason.
- When I'm tired of waiting for God I jump ahead and make a mess... this usually costs me money...
- God is bigger than the boogie man, selling a house, a new job, a new relationship, anxiety, stress, tiredness etc. FOR REAL

Valentine's Day 2009

I haven't been keeping up with my blog as well as I should be but life has been absolutely crazy these past few weeks.

Let's talk about today, Valentine's Day:
About a week ago I had a conversation with Ryan, (My one and only) and we discussed this holiday. I understood that Ryan had a hard time really grasping the idea of such a celebration. "We're only supposed to go all out in love and affection one day a year? I don't need a holiday to show you my love." He had a point. The holiday doesn't really have any biblical significance however and am a hopeless romantic and absolutely love Valentine's Day! I see it as more of a reminded to be thankful for the love that God has given us. The love of a father sending His son to die for our sins, the love that God has given us to give to Him and those around us, the love we receive from family, friends, and significant others. God is love, he created love, and gave it to us as a gift! Why not celebrate!?
To get to my point, Ryan and I viewed this day very differently, but I figured it didn't really matter this year anyways since he had planned a trip to Colorado with a friend since before we started our courtship. He wasn't even going to be here.

Ryan left on Wednesday afternoon and we've kept in touch ever so slightly with short phone calls and texts. (His phone's not getting great reception.)
This morning I got out of the shower to find a delivery had come for me.
Fresh flowers in the most gorgeous arrangement! The vase holding the pink and red flowers had a photo album wrapped around it. It was beautiful, thoughtful, and just for me! I have been talking about this gift all day!
The gift itself was sweet, but it's the fact that Ryan chose to do something on Valentine's Day because it was important to me, even though he didn't share the same view. What a guy! =)

Moving along to catch up...
I started my new full time job at Primrose on Friday! I love it! I really like working with the kids, my coworkers are sweet and enjoy work just as much as I do, the days go by quickly and I just love my job!
It is the first time I've worked 40 hours a week, and things are getting out of hand.
I've been praying for more direction in my life because I've noticed important aspects of my life are struggling.
I decided to ask God to help me reevaluate and the question that formed in my mind was: "What did I start for ME and what did I get into with Christ as my focus?"
My full time job feels right. When I work with kids in this amazing environment I feel like I have a career not just a job. I love what I do and I'm good at it, it feels natural and I can't get up every day, hold these kids in my arms, pick them up when they fall down, teach them life skills, etc. and not think about our awesome creator. My bosses are Christians and very interested in my life, the pay and benefits are just what I need right now and I see and feel God in every aspect of this adventure.
School... I took on this semester's load with the thought that I would pursue social work. I had two part time jobs that left me with a lot of free time and now prospects or clear direction for my future. Well, ALL of that has changed now! I not only have a prospect but an amazing boyfriend and now a full time job that very well could be my career. I don't want to spend the next 5 years in school and I don't want to be a social worker. I want to be a stay at home mom! So I find myself stressing out and struggling to meet deadlines do homework and e-mail professors when I barely have the energy just to keep my eyes open, and for what? I have no idea! God was never a part of my plans for school, I just got tired of waiting. But now I see one of my passions is taking form in a possible money making opportunity, (that being photography,) and that's something I could do even after marriage and children. I don't need a degree to work at Primrose, and I've proven that I don't need a degree to be a good photographer, so why am I killing myself trying to keep up with classes, work, a social life, and time for my creativity?
Short answer: I'm an idiot.
Come Monday I'm dropping the rest of my class load. I probably won't get much money back but at least I can stop paying into it and I'll have so much more time to breathe and enjoy life.
Just thinking about it is making me feel more relaxed.
I feel like God is opening doors and revealing more and more of my suture to me as I learn to let go and trust Him. However I am convicted that I've let my insanely over scheduled life get in the way of my personal relationship with Him, and that is NOT okay.
This week is all about reorganizing. Today I was reminded of what a blessing love is. I'm very thankful for the love that fills my life.
It seems there is an outpouring everywhere I go and only God can arrange such a lovely thing like that.
For the rest of 2009 I want my focus to be centered on Christ and all that He has for me, secondly I want my attention to be on my relationships, and thirdly, I want to work on my careers. Teacher/Caretaker and photographer, no school involved. =) Boy that makes me happy! I've never been a stellar student nor have I ever really enjoyed school. God knew that all along. I wonder how much time He spends laughing or shaking His head at our silly mistakes. :P LOL

Things are always going to be crazy at some level, life will never be in my control as I would have it, but God knows all and has it in His hand, therefore, despite whatever circumstance... LIFE IS GOOD!

Spiritualt Realms and Warfare

Visual people like myself don't seem to have a ability to skim over topics like spiritual warfare and spiritual realms.
What does that look like?
I've thought about it several times over and even though I'm sure I'm probably way far off, picturing what I'm going through in a "Screw tape Letters" type way has proved some what beneficial.
For instance...

I am aware that one of my greatest weaknesses is fully relying on God for acceptance, worth, and control. (Meaning, HE is in control INSTEAD of me.) I feel very tried and anxious when... oh I don't know... let's just say everything I'm used to and comfortable with gets thrown out the window... so what would a crazy circumstance like that look like?

Suddenly feeling like my schedule must change.
Suddenly not so sure about college direction.
New job and current/old job balance.
The house I grew up in and have lived in for the past 12 years being put on the market.
The house constantly going through changes.
My room being perfect in someone Else's expectations, and somehow not feeling like my little place anymore.
Feeling like I can't keep up in school.
My best behaved student being diagnosed with cancer at only 3yrs old,
Lack of sleep,
Worry for Dad's job
Credit card and phone bills due.
Debts that need paid off,
and not enough money to do it.

How about that? That looks like a good enough random list that might make a person feel a little anxious, right?

Okay so now we have:
~our character: Me
~the character's weaknesses: Control, Acceptance, Worth, and Lack of Faith
~and now we have the circumstance the character is in: (See the stress listed above)

Let's translate this into a visual version of spiritual warfare:

It's dark, cold, and quiet. Whispers are heard from every direction. I walk carefully forward, looking every which way, trying to be aware of anything that could hinder me. A sharp hissing is heard and red smoke comes up from the darkness in front of me, revealing a creature of hideousness.
"Turn around child," He says to me. "Save yourself time and agony. You CAN'T do this. You are a known failure, worthless in every way."
I stop for a moment and ponder. Mustering up my strength I push through the creature and it vanishes.
I keep walking in the blackness, placing one foot in front of the other, the only way I know to keep moving.
The whispering gets louder until I hear hissing in my ear. I turn to face... nothing. There's no one there but the hissing still comes from just over my shoulder.
"You've never succeeded in this before. What makes you think you can now?"
"I walk not by my own strength." I reply, still walking. The hiss continues,
"You have many more weaknesses than strengths, so much to get done and absolutely no control. Your room is not your own, you have no sanctuary. Your freedom has been stripped. Don't you know if you had one little thing to control all by yourself you would feel better."
"Even in my weaknesses God can be glorified. He will provide, He's in control so I don't have to be. My room is not my own, nothing is. God has given me all I have and can take it away at will. My freedom is in Christ not things. Control on this earth is meaningless, it will all pass away."
The hissing fades to a whisper again and my stride feels stronger. I walk faster.
A roar of fire flashes to my left and then to my right. Two more creatures to face.
"Come and follow me, turn from your path, I will make you beautiful and all the world will love you." I turn to my right and face the creature. Suddenly it's gorgeous, it smiles enticingly.
"Do not love the world or the things in the world..." I begin to recite.
"Stop!" The creature screams. "You know you desire beauty and acceptance. You are wretched, unloved, and denied!"
"Beauty is fleeting, acceptance from the world is not for God's children, and you are a liar. Away with you!" The creature vanishes and I feel even stronger. Then a tug from the left brings my attention to the other creature.
"Come with me and I will give you success. I will give you natural intelligence, and talents beyond your wildest dreams. You will be rich and worth much."
"Away with you!" I yell in defiance, confident in my stance. "My talents are God given, my purpose is in Him and my treasure is with Him in heaven."
The creature vanishes and here I am, back in my room... typing this blog... about to read my Bible, pray, and go to sleep.

Perhaps this blog is random, maybe slightly dangerous because of it's slightly dark content, but I feel like when I can visualize something, understand the enemy's strategy just a little bit more, I am more prepared for battle.

There's a reason so many preachers use stories and visual aides in their sermons. We think and respond differently to such things.
In the right dosage, and content, I think it's beneficial.
So take it for what it is, the weekend is already here and another week is about to start, take hold of something sturdy *cough* CHRIST *cough* and be prepared for anything!

The journies I've taken,
the roads I have traveled,
Mark my very being.
The love I'd forsaken,
The thoughts I unraveled,
Are still very much a part of me.

You took this weary heart,
This life I had given up on,
pulled me close to you and called me your own.
You saw me fall apart,
Knew the path I chose was wrong,
Still you showed me grace, took my hand and led me home.

That journey wasn't easy,
I had to reconcile all I had done,
But you never left, there by my side.
You took my guilt and cleansed me,
You changed who I'd become,
Your hand upon my shoulder you told me "You are mine."

Then life had a whole new meaning,
I saw the world anew.
And found you were so much more than I realized.
You poured on me your blessings,
You helped me know your truths.
You taught me how to seek, and showed me I would find.

I found comfort,
Finally felt that all was well,
Assured in your shelter, I was confident.
Now I'm pulling inward,
I feel like the waters have begun to swell,
I call out your name but you seem silent.

The ground is shaking beneath my feet,
All that I know is changing.
The control I gave up screams to me but there's nothing I can do.
I don't understand, I cannot see.
My mind, my thoughts are racing.
I try so hard but I can't seem to grasp just how to trust in you.

Hear my cries,
Lord speak to me,
Show me you are near.
You told me, "You're mine"
Lord reveal yourself to me,
speak so I can hear.

I can endure if it's your plan,
I can have faith if you show me.
The control belongs to you, you have the power.
I can hold on, just give me your hand.
I will trust you, just hold me.
I can let go, let you take control, You are my strong tower.

Lord give me your peace,
Lend me your strength,
Give me fath that does not fail.
God, you are my king,
Father, you keep me safe,
You are over all and in you I will prevail.

Thank you God,
How your love rains down,
How your mercy is reborn every day.
Thank you God,
That your righteousness is found,
That your justice forever will reign.

Blessed is the name of the Lord,
My father and comforter.
Blessed is the almighty king.
Blessed is He with His sword,
Greatest warrior, and my protector.
Blessed is the King above all things,
My omnipotent friend, full of holiness,
There is none Him.
Amen

God Speaks... Again

God- What are you doing?

Me- working on my lap top.

God- Working? Is that what you call what you're doing?

Me- ....

God- You didn't read my word yesterday. You haven't read today, you've spoken to me some this week but haven't really listened. You have homework to get done and you know you could be more productive than you choose to be.

Me- I cleaned my room today! Really well!

God- It should be clean like this more often. Do you not take pride in what I've given you? You are still learning and are getting better, I see good change in you but you can't stop now. I have many more plans for you. Time management is not a skill you have mastered yet. We need to work on that.

Me- I know...

God- Why are you struggling so much? You are distant and then convicted and remorseful but still seem to keep me at arm's length.

Me-...

God- You are not angry anymore.

Me- No...

God- Do you choose not to come to me with your troubles? You know seeking comfort elsewhere is dangerous and has led you into darkness. You don't want to be in that place again. I know what's troubling you. I know why you won't draw near to me but I want you to acknowledge it yourself, I want you to come to me.

Me- I'm scared

God- Yes, you are human and won't comprehend many things but I have always provided for you. Why are you scared now?

Me- I thought I was ready for all this but now I'm not so sure.

God- I will not take you where I have not prepared you to go.

Me- I don't like this.

God- ....

Me- Did you hear me? I DON'T LIKE THIS! I don't like that things always seem to get flipped upside down when I finally know what's going on and what I'm doing. I don't like not knowing what's gonna happen next week or next year. I don't like the vulnerability of having to trust so much. To trust you, to trust him, to trust my family, ... I DON'T LIKE NOT BEING IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING!

God- I know.

Me- Well...

God- That's not your job. Being in control is not for any human. It's for me, no one can do it better. Never once has anything been outside of my hands or my will, and never shall it be.

Me- I still don't like this. I'm still confused, and anxious.

God- I love you.

Me- What?

God- I love you. I died for you, I've experienced every difficult thing you've ever been through and ever will go through. I know how you feel, I know what it's like, and I love you, so much so that I paid for all of your sin and filthiness. I love you so much I endured more than you can possibly understand that day I died on a cross for you. Child, I love you.

Me- *sigh* I trust you.

One of My Many Blessings.... =)

A Summary of the Weekend of Jan 23-25

Me= Finishing up answering job ads, and working on school work.

God - Are you prioritizing like you should?

Me - Yes. I'm being a good student and am trying to be proactive about my job situation.

God - That's not what I meant. Where are you in your studies of my word? When was our last talk and what were you speaking of?

Me - ....
_________________________________________________

My Family - We are looking into selling the house and scaling down to make this financial situation work. Be praying with us.

Me - Okay, whatever is best for the family.
__________________________________________________

My Family and Close Friends - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIFFANY!

Me - Thank you! (There's something eerie about this celebration to me... it feels like a bad omen...)

Dinner with the Fam and Ryan, Ping-Pong tournaments, thoughtful and very nice gifts, and a good time had by all.
__________________________________________________

Ryan - Happy Birthday Babe. (Presenting me with a gift.)

Me - (Smiling almost beyond human capability.) Thank you! (It was a freaking camera!)

Ice-skating and lunch followed by a long and pleasant walk where good conversation was had, joking around took place and a special message now lays carved in a specific place at a certain neighborhood park.
Back to the house where stress is perceived, an attempt at ping-pong is made...

Ryan - You are so tense Babe, what's wrong?

Me - I'm just really stressed out. I don't have a job, I'm worried about school, anxious on so many levels for my family, and confused about my career.

Ryan - (Giving me a hug.) Let's pray about this. You need to let it go and give it to God.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear...

An amazing sermon was played on the radio in Ryan's truck on the way to our evening church service. What was it about? Worry and anxiety and not allowing ourselves to be weighed down by such things. Ryan reiterated his earlier point.
Church service was about Jacob and Esau and how even though both sides of the family schemed on their own behalves and outside of what God had told them, He turned it around so that it still happened just as He planned.
The service was playing on Romans 8:28 "God works all things together to those that love Him"

After Ryan and I said goodnight I spent some time alone, .. thinking. ... which was soon interrupted...

Me - I hate uncertainty... I hate not being able to do anything about what's going on... I hate that my family is so stressed out... I wish I had a job, I wish I were smarter... better in school.

God - Why are you so angry?

Me - I'm not!

God - Your negativity speaks otherwise. You "hate" you "wish" you seem very dissatisfied with what I've given you.

Me - But God, this is getting ridiculous. I don't understand what you're doing and I'm tired of people telling me it's gonna be okay. What if it's not!? It seems to be in your will to allow very difficult things to happen to your children. Besides that... my family has already been through a lot. Isn't there a quota or something? Cause I'm pretty sure we already met that.

God - Oh Ye of little faith.

Me - Hey!

God - Do you not realize that you are straying from me because of your anger? You don't trust me and therefore are allowing earthly things like school and work to distract you from me. Our relationship has been cold this past week because you do not like what you perceive to be my plans for you and your family, but you have failed to see all the many blessings I have gifted you with. I've been speaking to you but you've ignored me.

Me - ....
________________________________________________________-

Me - Ryan, I am such an idiot. I've been missing God this past week, I don't have enough faith and I'm completely stressed because I hate not having control over all these crazy situations in my life right now, and I know I shouldn't..

Ryan - Whoa, Tiffany, slow down. What's going on?

(I explained)

Ryan - There's not a whole lot I can tell you that you don't already know. You need to be in your word and spend time really praying to God. Relationships don't thrive without time and effort... You know, God is evident in your family. I can see it, many other people at church have seen it, and He's brought you through some really tough times. You know He's not gonna leave your family out to dry.

Me - I know, but I know that so often it seems like it's in His plan to let bad things happen, and besides that, there's still so much that hasn't settled, so much uncertainty that-

Ryan - That you have no control over. Babe, you know that God's plans, despite what they may entail are better than what we can come up with, and you know that we are to have faith in God and are even instructed to ask for what we are lacking, seek and we will find. I know you know these things, you just need to remember and acknowledge them... And, Tiffany, do you realize when you try to fix things on your own or when you dwell on the fact that there is uncertainty that you hate or things outside of your control that you're trying to take that control from God? I know you have gone through a lot to be able to lay down that control, you need to let it go again. We should be glad we're not in control, God does it better.
I'm not saying these things to hurt you or to condemn you in any way, I don't want you to beat yourself up over this, I say these things because I love you.
_____________________________________________________________________

Nothing else really stuck out.

To wrap it up...

Life is unpredictable and sometimes difficult, entailing a lot of changes and stress and even uncertainty and things outside our control....BUT... God is bigger, He knows what He's doing and is going to work all things together for the good.

I am errant. Full of mistakes and immaturity. I don't have as much faith as I feel I should, and I'm still learning about my weaknesses and tendencies....BUT...God is in control and will help me grow as His daughter and work out all the details.

I have one hell of a family and an amazing boyfriend. God has blessed me with so many things that are above and beyond what I ever could have dreamed for myself...AND...it is well with my soul.

Dear God, .....

Dear God,

I know you know more than me, you know better than I do. I know you've got plans that I don't really understand, but... Well... Are you sure this is the best way to go about things? I mean, I know you know what you're doing but... have you taken a look around? A good loot at me?
See, I try really hard to keep up with my prayer and Bible reading, and I feel like I've done pretty well. I've even been working REALLY hard to keep my attitude in check. But I think I should remind you of something...
I'm NOT like your servant, Job. And now I haven't lost my family, sheep, and servants... but I'm having a hard enough time not freaking out already!
Lord, I know this is all for a VERY good reason, but you know that I really don't do well under a lot of stress and preassure, especially when so much of life is up in the air and I have no control over it!
Now, I know... it's not my job to have control... but it does seem to be a difficult thing for me to grasp.
I know you've blessed me, and I'm trying to remember all of those blessings, but as my problems and anxiety get bigger and seem to take over my life that's getting harder to do.
I should be getting ready for work, studying, reading, job searching, etc. I know I should be proactive but you seem so quiet lately and I know you see this anxiety in me. Can't you give me SOMETHING? Anything really... just let me know a job is coming, for me AND my dad, let me know I'll pass these classes, or let me in on part of that big plan you have for my life!
I guess, you reallly do know better, you're in control, and I've just got to do my best to let go and let you do your job... but I'll tell you one thing... This is no fun!

Sincerely,
Your Stresss Ball of a Kidult...
Me

What Is Love?

I already know the Sunday School answer is found in 1 Corinthians 13...
"Love is patient, love is kind..."
Thanks, but that's not what I mean today.

Define love. Not love like how you love your mother, brother, sister, and father... love like... how you love your spouse, you significant other, or soon-to-be.
Tell me about that love.

My initial thought is that love is scary, (at first anyway) because new love is a risk. And when it creeps up on you it sort of makes you wanna freak out and scream "What the He...ck!?" ... but in a good way.
I guess the scary thing is... do they love you back? If no one's dropped the L-bomb(...and it may be too early to say such things at this point...) there's not a real easy way to know. And if they do happen to love you back, there's still a chance that your heart could break.... again.
Not that we don't have trustworthy people in our lives, but still... and here's a question... would love be as amazing as it is without some sort of risk?

So far, what I think love is from observation, a personal relationship, and human feelings and emotions, is as follows:

Love puts them before you.
You become more interested in their music, their interests, their birthday, and what you can do to make them smile than your own.

Love is thanking God for them every night after recounting the ways that you feel blessed just by knowing them.

Love is service without expectation.

Love is expression, emotion, affection.

Love is difficult conversations and hurtful things that are waded through together to achieve a positive and God honoring result.

Love is a constant learning process.

Love is laughter, play, fun, exciting.

Love is discovoring God's will between two people who are quickly falling for each other and trusting that God knows better, and has the perfect timeing for everything.

Love is letting go, learning not to try so hard, really getting to know, and completely trust a person.

These individual things don't describe love by themselves, but I think together it can be what love is... But what do I know? Maybe some, maybe more than I think I do...
What is love to you? Seriously! Give me some fruit here... just a few good definitions that describe love in your life.

Walking With Christ (He knows pretty much EVERYTHING!)

"...But His strength is sufficient and courage shines bright,
I'm assured because I know, He is the water of life..."
- From the song 'Water'

I went on a jog this morning with my ipod. I enjoy getting some exercise outside where I can see God's creation with music that proclaims the truth.
In my time this morning I felt an unusual reassurance. I feel as though God was telling me: "Look at all that you have, see all these gifts and blessings I have granted to you? Do not forget all that you have, no matter what life brings you, ALWAYS remember my love, and MY plans to prosper you for MY name's sake."
I smiled as I enjoyed my morning with God. (There's something really neat about spending some of your personal walk with Christ on an actual walk.)
When I got home I grabbed a towel and started to decide what to wear to my first day at my new nanny job. Before I got in the shower I sat down at my computer to check my e-mail, and there it was: My "Dear Tiffany Letter" ('Cause, you know, my name's not John.)
Unfortunately my boss had sent me an e-mail that relieved me of the duties I was getting ready to take on. Her husband was laid off and now not only can they not afford me, but they don't need me because he will be home to care for their daughter.
My first reaction was to respond to the concern and remorse that drenched the e-mail I received. Because I had just gotten the e-mail it didn't quite set in that I had budgeted around that first paycheck that I now won't be getting.
I was able to share the love of Christ with this woman and reassure her that I understood her situation, would be praying for their family and have confidence that my God will provide for us both.
I think it was in telling my parents about my news that it really set in. We prayed and I began my search for a new job. Writing this blog now, I have already contacted 4 possible job opportunities, and while there was the initial freak out and the temptation to succumb to anxiety and extreme stress, I couldn't get out of my mind what I felt God speak to me this morning.
See, God's this all powerful, all knowing guy, and I'm sure that our time this morning was in preparation for the rest of today.

God is Jehovah Jireh, the Great Provider, and in that, I place my hope, and by that, I am reassured that all will work together in His plan, and in His timing to the good of all and to glorify Him.

The economy is not in good shape right now, people are losing their jobs left and right, or dealing with pay cuts, shut downs, etc. The world is a scary place, but how much bigger does that make our almighty Father?

My prayer is for those in similar positions as myself, and in much worse, those who have family to support, for the many people all over the place who are going through difficult times, that we would look to Christ, put our faith in Him and remember that He is in control.

Be thankful for what work you have(talking to myself here too) never forget or belittle what God has blessed us with. We have so much that I'm sure we don't deserve and I can't help but think, what an awesome God we have!
Thanks you Jesus! (<- That may have been corny but it's true and heartfelt)

Have a marvelous week and a happy Monday!

Growing Pains

I've come to the point in my life where I've realized there is no typical growing up.
Everyone is different, and God grows His children in so many different ways.
The hard part is when you go through a growth spurt and some things in your life seem to change all of a sudden.

Let me get real basic in this blog:

I excepted Christ when I was about 7 or 8. I don't remember a whole lot of that experience but I understood that I was a bad kid. I got spankings everyday and I tried to be good, I wanted to please my parents, and out of frustration I came to the conclusion that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't be good.
My parents taught me that I couldn't be good without Jesus in my heart, and when I understood what being a Christian meant, I accepted Christ as my savior.
But growing up is never easy and never painless. Just like growing physically, growing spiritually, and personally has these dramatic spurts that cause a person pain.
I went through a lot of difficult things; Some I had no control over, and some that were self inflicted, but through that, God has helped me grow dramatically.

I believe that God places people in our lives for a purpose, and that everything happens for a reason, or at least that "God works all things together for the good of those that love Him" (Romans 8:28)
Sometimes we need the people God has given us in different ways, at specific times, but often times if we ground relationships in something that is temporary, we lose our footing when things change.

I have some friends that were very encouraging and helpful to be when my life was... well, basically a living hell. Now granted, I caused much of my own affliction, but still these friends were important to my life. Well, without realizing it the relationship we had ended up being focused and grounded in my miserable train wreck of existence, and their desire to help, and encourage me.
Now, by the grace of God and nothing short of a miracle, I am a completely different person and in a totally different place in life! I'm happy, healthy, completely engulfed in the love I have for my family, surrounded by their love, and walking daily with my precious savior, in the assurance that I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time.

Well, that's a completely different picture from before. And along with that change of scenery, there's this new relationship in my life. I'll be honest it's not your typical romance.... IT'S SO MUCH BETTER!
We aren't following the world's depiction of relationships and dating.
After this man has been in our church and in our home for small group for about a year and a half, he went to my dad and asked to pursue a courtship. My dad gave his blessing and this man came to me. Fast-Forward about 3 weeks and we are both amazed and beyond blessed at what God has shown and given us. Our relationship has stayed Christ centered, our goal is to Glorify God, and we both have the desire to be in this relationship for the purpose of knowing if we are for each other in the covenant of marriage.
This whole thing seems a lofty concept for some to grasp, but not for me. I have been shown the amazing power of Christ first hand and I know in my heart that God is bigger than dating, he's bigger than time, mistakes, failures, and fairy tales.

I'm sad that these friends can't see this, that they don't really know how to be my friend in good times, that they can't be happy for me and trust that I am in God's will and in His hands.
My relationship with these friends is changing, in some aspects completely ending, in others, simply reevaluating and changing our foundation.
It's painful to have to grow so much faster than my friends, to realize that God's so much bigger than me, so much bigger than young adult "logic" while these friends seem to be drowning in their frustration with me, and "concern" in where my life is headed.

Despite these uncomfortable growing pains, I remain confident in Christ. I know I am in a good place, and even if my heart aches with the possible end of this relationship, I will stand strong with a smile on my face being so grateful for where God has placed me.
I'm so blessed to have such a family, such a God, and such a man!

Today's Bible reading is in Job, I felt like that was God's humorous way of saying: "Tiffany, buck up, smile, and be grateful for the many blessings I've given you, you have nothing to grieve over, not like my servant Job. Stand strong." At least... that's what I heard :o)

I'm still VERY happy and know I don't deserve what God has given me. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Jeremiah tells me "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you."
I'm good, all is well, and God is in control. (Good thing, cause I've learned that I totally and completely SUCK at controlling my life. LOL)

How to Keep From Embarrassing the Heck out of Yourself in a New Relationship...

Step 1: Realize, and accept the fact that this task is virtually impossible. The only thing you can do is lessen your embarrassment by being aware of a few things and learning to laugh at yourself.

step 2: Learn to take everything with a grain of salt and gain insight from embarrassing moments to keep from putting yourself in similar situations a second time.

Now, let's look at scenarios....

Your relationship begins with your "establishment date" the simple coffee date where he states his intentions and you establish the relationship.
He will most likely tell you why he wants to pursue you and he may have one of the best reasons with some of the most amazing little pieces of what becomes the story of you, and what he thinks of you and you're soon-to-be relationship.
WARNING: This kind of story tends to have a shock factor and will often times catch you off guard. Don't let it get the best of you or you'll respond with a pretty ridiculous word.
Good Response: (smile) "I think that's one of the best ways a relationship can begin. I'm very excited."
Bad Response(Embarrassment level 5): (With an unreadable facial expression and after an uncomfortably long pause.) "That's Fascinating!"

Scenario #2

You've gone out a few times and have seen each other often enough that you know hold hands when walking an sitting. The relationship is moving at a comfortable speed and things seem to be going well. What is a more typical date than a movie?
Let's say you decide to see a movie neither of you knows much about...(WARNING: VERY BAD IDEA!) You find your seats and the movie begins. 15 minutes in the main character gets himself into a potentially VERY INAPPROPRIATE position. Your date offers you an escape by saying there's no pressure to stay.
Good Response: "Okay, let's go," (Smiling pleasantly to relieve disappointment in the movie.)
BAD Response: (Being naive Embarrassment Level 9) "It's okay, He won't really do anything .... "(Shock at movie scene::: This is where the date cuts in saying that the movie is stupid and you can both leave.) DON'T BE NAIVE MOVIES CAN ALWAYS BE HORRIBLE!

Scenario #3

House dates are a great idea. Your new significant other gets a chance to interact with your family and feel comfortable in your home. A great way to have fun with both your date and your family is to play a game.
Phase 10 is a card game best played in a group. Before playing games like this, think through game terms and make sure you think before you speak in EVERY possible circumstance!
In phase 10 you have to create a sequence of cards to reach your proper phase. A straight (Numbers in counting order) is called a run.
A certain number of the same card is referred to as a set.
When trying to figure out where everyone is in the game, and what phase you're all on, avoid any accidental play on words.
EXAMPLE-
Good Question: "Is everyone passed Phase 5?"
BAD Question(Embarrassment level 10): "We all have the runs right?"

If you happen to fail and say all the wrong things, you still have a chance to redeem yourself if you're in a relationship with a good person.
And if anything you can use the excuse that you were "Getting a feel for how he would respond to different things." :o) It may not be true but you do learn a lot about a person when you embarrass yourself.

Lucky for me, I have one of the most incredible gentlemen God placed on this earth. LOL