Me= Finishing up answering job ads, and working on school work.
God - Are you prioritizing like you should?
Me - Yes. I'm being a good student and am trying to be proactive about my job situation.
God - That's not what I meant. Where are you in your studies of my word? When was our last talk and what were you speaking of?
Me - ....
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My Family - We are looking into selling the house and scaling down to make this financial situation work. Be praying with us.
Me - Okay, whatever is best for the family.
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My Family and Close Friends - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIFFANY!
Me - Thank you! (There's something eerie about this celebration to me... it feels like a bad omen...)
Dinner with the Fam and Ryan, Ping-Pong tournaments, thoughtful and very nice gifts, and a good time had by all.
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Ryan - Happy Birthday Babe. (Presenting me with a gift.)
Me - (Smiling almost beyond human capability.) Thank you! (It was a freaking camera!)
Ice-skating and lunch followed by a long and pleasant walk where good conversation was had, joking around took place and a special message now lays carved in a specific place at a certain neighborhood park.
Back to the house where stress is perceived, an attempt at ping-pong is made...
Ryan - You are so tense Babe, what's wrong?
Me - I'm just really stressed out. I don't have a job, I'm worried about school, anxious on so many levels for my family, and confused about my career.
Ryan - (Giving me a hug.) Let's pray about this. You need to let it go and give it to God.
Not exactly what I wanted to hear...
An amazing sermon was played on the radio in Ryan's truck on the way to our evening church service. What was it about? Worry and anxiety and not allowing ourselves to be weighed down by such things. Ryan reiterated his earlier point.
Church service was about Jacob and Esau and how even though both sides of the family schemed on their own behalves and outside of what God had told them, He turned it around so that it still happened just as He planned.
The service was playing on Romans 8:28 "God works all things together to those that love Him"
After Ryan and I said goodnight I spent some time alone, .. thinking. ... which was soon interrupted...
Me - I hate uncertainty... I hate not being able to do anything about what's going on... I hate that my family is so stressed out... I wish I had a job, I wish I were smarter... better in school.
God - Why are you so angry?
Me - I'm not!
God - Your negativity speaks otherwise. You "hate" you "wish" you seem very dissatisfied with what I've given you.
Me - But God, this is getting ridiculous. I don't understand what you're doing and I'm tired of people telling me it's gonna be okay. What if it's not!? It seems to be in your will to allow very difficult things to happen to your children. Besides that... my family has already been through a lot. Isn't there a quota or something? Cause I'm pretty sure we already met that.
God - Oh Ye of little faith.
Me - Hey!
God - Do you not realize that you are straying from me because of your anger? You don't trust me and therefore are allowing earthly things like school and work to distract you from me. Our relationship has been cold this past week because you do not like what you perceive to be my plans for you and your family, but you have failed to see all the many blessings I have gifted you with. I've been speaking to you but you've ignored me.
Me - ....
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Me - Ryan, I am such an idiot. I've been missing God this past week, I don't have enough faith and I'm completely stressed because I hate not having control over all these crazy situations in my life right now, and I know I shouldn't..
Ryan - Whoa, Tiffany, slow down. What's going on?
(I explained)
Ryan - There's not a whole lot I can tell you that you don't already know. You need to be in your word and spend time really praying to God. Relationships don't thrive without time and effort... You know, God is evident in your family. I can see it, many other people at church have seen it, and He's brought you through some really tough times. You know He's not gonna leave your family out to dry.
Me - I know, but I know that so often it seems like it's in His plan to let bad things happen, and besides that, there's still so much that hasn't settled, so much uncertainty that-
Ryan - That you have no control over. Babe, you know that God's plans, despite what they may entail are better than what we can come up with, and you know that we are to have faith in God and are even instructed to ask for what we are lacking, seek and we will find. I know you know these things, you just need to remember and acknowledge them... And, Tiffany, do you realize when you try to fix things on your own or when you dwell on the fact that there is uncertainty that you hate or things outside of your control that you're trying to take that control from God? I know you have gone through a lot to be able to lay down that control, you need to let it go again. We should be glad we're not in control, God does it better.
I'm not saying these things to hurt you or to condemn you in any way, I don't want you to beat yourself up over this, I say these things because I love you.
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Nothing else really stuck out.
To wrap it up...
Life is unpredictable and sometimes difficult, entailing a lot of changes and stress and even uncertainty and things outside our control....BUT... God is bigger, He knows what He's doing and is going to work all things together for the good.
I am errant. Full of mistakes and immaturity. I don't have as much faith as I feel I should, and I'm still learning about my weaknesses and tendencies....BUT...God is in control and will help me grow as His daughter and work out all the details.
I have one hell of a family and an amazing boyfriend. God has blessed me with so many things that are above and beyond what I ever could have dreamed for myself...AND...it is well with my soul.
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