Just Some Thoughts...

I've been off of my blog for a long time. I did some catching up with some of my fellow bloggers and it did me some good.
I can't not laugh when browsing through Mr A's posts. He's good for my heart.

So things in my life have been up and down lately.
I'm easily distracted, but no thank you I don't need a pill or an ADD label, I just need to focus.

To be honest the most common feeling I have right now is a sense of being torn. Or stretched.
I'm engaged, I'm very happy and looking forward to wedding day and every day to follow. But I'm sad, I'm dissapointed. I feel like crying when I think about how different, and how much better things would be right now IF...
If I had established better relationships,
If I had just worked on some relationships,
If I had stayed focused on Christ,
If I hadn't done that thing, or made those choices,
If I hadn't been who I was.
My life is full of mistakes and immaturity, and I know I can be naive. Life doesn't work without consequence and I think I just lose track of how memorable some of our actions can be to other people, other people affected by them.
And yet again I find myself in an inbetween. The already but not yet stage.
I've discovored I'm not very good at balancing things evenly.
I am learning how to be engaged, and it's not easy. In antisipation of getting married I tend to want to jump into things but I don't like not spending good time with my family.
And I want my fiance to be a part of my family but if things don't fall into place I can't force it. (It's like a puzzle peice.) And now as I'm seeing our future together, being one (like one puzzle peice) I'm trying to figure out where and how we refit into our families and communities etc.
I'm thinking about where we're going to live, how we're going to live, who's going to be a big part of our lives, what friends will we have what family will we be close to...

We talk a lot, ask a lot of questions and are trying to figure things out, but in the process of discussing how we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, things get complicated. We don't always understand each other right away and it's not always fun or easy. And all relationships take work and of course when you start thinking about living with another person things come up that wouldn't have before and you learn through that process.

I guess I just can't help but wish things were different. And I don't mean to sound ungreatful. I love my fiance more than I ever thought I could love a person and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. But I pray for several things on a regular basis and am having a hard time seeing God's plan in all of it.
God why isn't my sister's fiance here?
Why doesn't my brother have a different job?
Why isn't there more security in my dad's job?
I ask for wisdom and understanding on a DAILY basis but just keep seeing myself fall on my face over the simplist things.
I pray for financial blessing and wisdom, for preperation and overall just Christ-likeness and a God-centered life for me and Ryan and I can't help but feel nervous about it. I know it's not going to be easy, I don't really want it to be but I would like a little assurance, and I have faith. I think everything's going to be fine, I just didn't have the eyes to see things as realistically as I do now, and that's good because I'm thinking and praying and seeking and reading and doing all that I know to do!

My hearts desire is to be a child of God that pleases the father. A biblical wife, virtuous woman, and whole hearted follower of Christ.

I feel like a little girl playing dress up. I know I have a lot more learning and maturing to do, I still have a ways to grow, but sometimes I just wish that when God's hand seems far he would just show it to me in some small way. Remind me that everything really is okay. I know it is, I believe God is in control and has a plan for me and Ryan, for my brother and sister, and parents. I don't always understand it but ... it's there.