It's been a long time since I blogged. I feel like I've been learning a lot! And now things are slowing down a bit so I have time to stop and take it all in.
In the past month or two a lot has happened:
I lost my job,
I started school,
I got engaged,
I found a job,
and I finished school.

I learned a lot about photography and the human eyes and brain. I've learned a lot about relationships and my spiritual walk with Christ.
I'm continuing to learn and relearn new things every day which is something I need to keep in mind. I'm always learning, whether I realize it or not.

One of the most powerful ways for me to learn something is the least enjoyable way.
Conviction. I learn a lot about myself and my God when I feel an overwheling conviction. It puts me back in my place, humbles my heart once again, and reminds me who I am and why I'm here and how great and mighty our god is.

My most recent conviction is this:
Theology and Study. This has SEVERAL different aspects to it. I was at church just yesterday evening and heard the first of a new sermon series called 20 questions. Each sermon addresses a doctrine as a question and by answering.
Yesterday's sermon was: Why Study Theology?
I started to tune out automatically because when I think theology I think old stuffy men, giant unreadable texts, argumentative people and concepts I can't comprehend.
It's daunting really and not at all interesting to me in that way. It feels like the part of school I'd be destined to struggle with.
But the word Theology was redefined as "Knowing God and thinking his thoughts after him." This is a MUCH better picture in my head. I don't want to know books or other people's opinions on difficult and inapplicable topics. I want to know my savior, my heavenly father, and have a good understanding of all that he is and does and will continue to do. However there is still this huge block, this "Study" thing, this "understanding" aspect to it all.
I'm gonna be totalloy honest, it's REALLY difficult for me to read much of the Bible. It's hard for me to grasp the point or the purpose in a lot of passages or figure out how to apply it to my everyday life. I often times come away feeling stupid or inadequate. I don't want to be one of those Christians Paul talks about who have been saved so long that they should be teachers but can still only handle milk. I give up too easily. I feel defeated when I don't understand something and stupid for having to ask and I get frustrated because of those feelings and get to the point where I really just don't even want to read my Bible! But that's not right, I know that's not right. I'm never going to learn or comprehend things if I don't give it the time and effort it needs. Maybe I need a study Bible, some references, and a study ethic. I need to learn how to study, I mean really study my Bible. Not just read it and check it off the list not even retaining what I read, I mean reading and KNOWING God's word.
I pray for wisdom, discernment, and understanding nearly every day but don't do anything to get there. I'm not training myself or teaching myself any of these things or even really making the effort and that needs to change.
We are to have a real relationship with our heavenly father, and just like any relationship, it won't get deep and intimate if you don't get to know each other. God already knows all there is to know about me. But have I really taken the time to get to know him? Have I devoted enough time to prayer and study to really know him, to become sensitive to the Holy Spirit, to know when he's speaking into my life and how to live as a light unto the world, to go and make disciples, be a true witness?
I don't think I have. And this is my conviction. I should be doing all of these things confidently. I should know MUCH more than I do. I have had access to the Bible since I was able to read and there are people risking their lives just to get their hands on one and read it.
How selfish and self centered I've realized I am.
Giving up on such important things without even thinking about it. Why? Because it's too hard. Because it's uncomfortable. Because it makes ME feel stupid.
What I child. And to think we have such a patient merciful God, watching over us, guiding and waiting for us to see what life is really about.
Not me, not my feelings or desires. But Him. His will, and His kigdom.
I think it was John who said: I must decrease so he may increase. (Or something like that.)