Spiritual Life

Lately I feel as though God is revealing to me more than He has over the course of my whole spiritual life, and maybe it's because I'm actually listening.
Maybe Christ has softened my heart where I'm actually able to feel and hear the Holy Spirit. It's been a really long time since I've felt that way, and yet, now I feel overwhelmed.
It seems like everyday I am convicted of so many things and am constantly reminded of how worthless and sinful I am.
Without Christ I am nothing and now that I'm really aware of my sinful thoughts, attitudes, and actions, I'm tempted to despair and fall into condemnation.
My flesh hates feeling convicted but my soul knows how good it is.
I know that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ, but everyday my prayer is to be an example of my savior and a light to the dark world I live in and everyday I feel as though I fail horribly.
There is so much about me that I want to be different, that I know should change. I know that I can't do it without Christ and I know that sanctification is progressive but sometimes I find myself before God in my prayer time, frustrated and confused, like: "God, you have the power, I have the desire, why don't you just change me?"

My work situation is very challenging. Everyday that I have to get up for work I fight negative thoughts and attitudes and have to try to bend my focus as much towards Christ as I know how but often times I fail or that focus is distracted by the tiniest little upsets in my day. I feel weak and unworthy of my savior. He has blessed me with so much and I should have a constant joy in my life simply because He calls me His but so often I find myself weary and upset just because the job that He's provided for me came with several challenges, or simply because the amazing relationship with such an incredible Godly man that He has blessed me with is difficult sometimes and has it's bumps in the road.
But still, I wouldn't change either of these things.
I love certain aspects about my job and am very happy with the pay check I get every other Friday and the relationship I'm in, ... I wouldn't trade for the world. Now that this man is in my life, I can't imagine life eithout him.

God is working on me in so many different ways. Growing me through difficulties, challenging me through conviction, reminding me to be with Him in constant prayer and studying His word.
I struggle to really grasp and keep in mind the realism of FULLY relying on God. To do that, I have to let go completely, acknowledge that I screw up when I'm in charge and that it's a gift to give God my whole life to guide and direct for His glory.

I am a selfish human being and often times forget that my purpose in life is to glorify my savior. Jesus, forgive me.
I know now that my worth is in Christ as is my purpose but I wish that I could keep that in front of all my other ways of thinking.
There are so many simple things that I forget or let myself get distracted from.
So many things that I drop the ball in and seem to fall on my face over.

God is still working in me, and one of the things He's teaching me is patience. I see the things in my life that are not like Christ and want it fixed quick and easy, right here, right now. But I've learned (And am still learning) that things happen in HIS time for a reason, and as difficult as it can be to wait for His time, it is better than my own.