You are supposed to be a month filled with joy and peace and glad tidings! Unfortunately, I feel like you have failed to live up to said standard ... In my life at least... Or maybe it's just me, maybe there is something wrong with me.
And then I think not only on your month but this whole past year! And that's your fault too... I'm stuck assessing highlights and low lights.
Deciding to start a family :)
1st Anniversary :)
Galveston Vacation :)
Searching for a Church Home (and still not belonging) :(
Joe and Sara announce pregnancy : /
Horrible nanny job :(
Not so great Starbucks job : /
Bethany and George announce pregnancy : /
Begin Foster Application Process :)
First Placement; JJ and Big C : /
Big C goes home : /
Thanksgiving! :)
PCOS diagnosis :(
Second Foster Placement; Baby J :)
Baby J goes to Aunt :(
December and still not pregnant :,(
Last Thanksgiving Ryan and I sat down over breakfast and made a list of goals we wanted to accomplish in 2011. My number one goal that Ryan agreed with me on was to be gregnant by the end of the year... I'm afraid that's not going to happen... And for some reason, it being the end of a year makes it feel 20 times more devastating than anay other month we found out I still wasn't pregnant...
I am a Christian, I know God loves me, I know that He has the perfect timing for us, but I'm no fake, none of that helps right now! He may have the perfect timing but I don't like it! I want my timing! I'm tired of waiting and getting all sweet and loving with a newborn and on the same day getting him taken from me and finding out we are not pregnant... And just days before Christmas!?
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
I Am Master; Not Victim
"We are either masters or victims of our attitudes. It is a matter of personal choice. Who we today is the result of choices we made yesterday. Tomorrow, we will become what we choose today. Change means to choose to change." - John Maxwell
This quote is my battle cry this week!
It's been a while since I last blogged because I can't release very much info about our foster children online but we do have one foster baby right now and he is a joy! I found out that a second possible placement of two adorable little girls went to a different family so it may just be J and I for a little while. He has a court date this Friday and that should help us know how long we might get to have the little guy.
I was really bummed to find out about not getting the girls and placements have really slowed down as we get closer to the holidays but I'm mastering my emotions and attitude even on this minor level.
On a not so minor level I got some heavy news on Friday before we went to Houston and it's taken the whole weekend to process and get on top of the whole mastering my attitude and emotions rather than be victim to circumstances.
I have PCOS. This is another bump in the road to having our own little ones. It basically means my hormone levels are all screwed up which cause some really unattractive issues such as acne and weight gain as well as complicates trying to become pregnant.
These are the things that were really freaking me out and bringing me down to a victim mentality.
However, here is what I choose to concentrate on:
1.) struggling with my weight for almost two years now was not just me! I saw 2 doctors for weight issues and they both looked right over this! I knew something wasn't right!
2.) at least now we have a diagnosis for our fertility issues and can work on a better game plan.
3.) if this diagnosis was continuously overlooked and therefore left untreated it could lead to diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and certain cancers.
I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow and will hopefully leave with a great plan of how we are going to conquer this.
I think the hardest thing for me right now is changing my diet. I've always done low cal, low fat diets to lose weight but because of this condition those diets don't work and my doctor wants me in a high protein, low carb diet but I also need to add plenty of fiber and cut out most sugars... That sounds great and healthy in theory but what does that look like in my kitchen? Literally! I don't know what to eat and the only thing I'm sure not to eat is anything bread like or that has heavy carbs listed on the package! I'm hoping my doctor can help get me started and lead me to some good literature to better understand how to live on a whole new food plan.
All in all I feel like, as difficult as some days, weeks, and even months can be, I do have a God who loves me, and is with me through it all.
This quote is my battle cry this week!
It's been a while since I last blogged because I can't release very much info about our foster children online but we do have one foster baby right now and he is a joy! I found out that a second possible placement of two adorable little girls went to a different family so it may just be J and I for a little while. He has a court date this Friday and that should help us know how long we might get to have the little guy.
I was really bummed to find out about not getting the girls and placements have really slowed down as we get closer to the holidays but I'm mastering my emotions and attitude even on this minor level.
On a not so minor level I got some heavy news on Friday before we went to Houston and it's taken the whole weekend to process and get on top of the whole mastering my attitude and emotions rather than be victim to circumstances.
I have PCOS. This is another bump in the road to having our own little ones. It basically means my hormone levels are all screwed up which cause some really unattractive issues such as acne and weight gain as well as complicates trying to become pregnant.
These are the things that were really freaking me out and bringing me down to a victim mentality.
However, here is what I choose to concentrate on:
1.) struggling with my weight for almost two years now was not just me! I saw 2 doctors for weight issues and they both looked right over this! I knew something wasn't right!
2.) at least now we have a diagnosis for our fertility issues and can work on a better game plan.
3.) if this diagnosis was continuously overlooked and therefore left untreated it could lead to diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and certain cancers.
I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow and will hopefully leave with a great plan of how we are going to conquer this.
I think the hardest thing for me right now is changing my diet. I've always done low cal, low fat diets to lose weight but because of this condition those diets don't work and my doctor wants me in a high protein, low carb diet but I also need to add plenty of fiber and cut out most sugars... That sounds great and healthy in theory but what does that look like in my kitchen? Literally! I don't know what to eat and the only thing I'm sure not to eat is anything bread like or that has heavy carbs listed on the package! I'm hoping my doctor can help get me started and lead me to some good literature to better understand how to live on a whole new food plan.
All in all I feel like, as difficult as some days, weeks, and even months can be, I do have a God who loves me, and is with me through it all.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Here We Go!!!
I think it's about time for another update! And what an update I have!!!
As of about 9am Wednesday morning, WE ARE LICENSED FOSTER PARENTS!!!!
What a rush! I got the text and called Ryan and we marveled for a while about "this is it! It's starting to feel real! We could actually get kiddie now!" it was such a sweet and exhilarating conversation! And of course now I'm always worried about where my phone is, how much battery life it has, and how loud the ringer is! Lol. Every time it rings my heart does flips and I get all excited! Which is probably why it doesn't ring very often. Both Ryan and our intake worker from STARRY have taken more to texting so as not to get me worked up. I am now texting Ryan rather than calling him for the same reason.
Another exciting thing... I no longer work at Starbucks!
Though there are certain perks and people I will miss, it feels so good to be at home and get things done like scrubbing out my refrigerator before new groceries get put away, spending more time on the menu and grocery list and trying new recipes my husband is interested because I have the time for slow cooked meals now! I love being able to clean out the car, pain bunk beds, move furniture, keep the house clean on a regular basis, be available to hang out with my sisters etc. Being a housewife (and soon a stay at home mom!) is awesome!!!
As I prepare my house for all the new and exciting things about to come our way I find that I am more excited and impatient for us to get placed! I know having foster babies will change the dynamic of our holidays but I think God has given both Ryan and I the perfect families who can accept those changes with open arms. I just love the idea of going out to buy brand new and adorable Thanksgiving outfits (especially if we get a little baby!) and helping toddler/elementary aged children understand what Thanksgiving is about and what all we have to be Thankful for, and how Ryan and I are so thankful that they are with us!
I would love to have a little girl about 5 to get all dressed up with and take her to the Nutcracker in Houston with Ryan's family, I doubt any precious little girl we would receive will have seen such a thing.
I get SO excited when I think about buying TOYS! Lol and when I imagine the energy and excitement young ones have when opening presents on Christmas!
I get excited when I think about the possibility of having children old enough to do Advent with Jotham's Journey just like I did when I was younger!
I have to wonder if all my many years working in child care was not to prepare me for being a foster mom at 22. I can't wait! I am beyond ecstatic and that makes me laugh because at the start of this journey when we were only just praying about fostering, I had no desire to! And now I can't get our precious ones soon enough! God is amazing!
I just found out recently that my new nurse practitioner that is working with me now is about to foster for adopt a little girl into their family. There is something so reassuring about having healthcare providers who believe in the same God and are called to similar things as I am. I've had many God Knows conversations in her office and I love it!
I am finally seeing big things at work and it is encouraging! I am praying for even bigger things to come over the next couple of weeks! My God can do it!!!
Happy Friday
As of about 9am Wednesday morning, WE ARE LICENSED FOSTER PARENTS!!!!
What a rush! I got the text and called Ryan and we marveled for a while about "this is it! It's starting to feel real! We could actually get kiddie now!" it was such a sweet and exhilarating conversation! And of course now I'm always worried about where my phone is, how much battery life it has, and how loud the ringer is! Lol. Every time it rings my heart does flips and I get all excited! Which is probably why it doesn't ring very often. Both Ryan and our intake worker from STARRY have taken more to texting so as not to get me worked up. I am now texting Ryan rather than calling him for the same reason.
Another exciting thing... I no longer work at Starbucks!
Though there are certain perks and people I will miss, it feels so good to be at home and get things done like scrubbing out my refrigerator before new groceries get put away, spending more time on the menu and grocery list and trying new recipes my husband is interested because I have the time for slow cooked meals now! I love being able to clean out the car, pain bunk beds, move furniture, keep the house clean on a regular basis, be available to hang out with my sisters etc. Being a housewife (and soon a stay at home mom!) is awesome!!!
As I prepare my house for all the new and exciting things about to come our way I find that I am more excited and impatient for us to get placed! I know having foster babies will change the dynamic of our holidays but I think God has given both Ryan and I the perfect families who can accept those changes with open arms. I just love the idea of going out to buy brand new and adorable Thanksgiving outfits (especially if we get a little baby!) and helping toddler/elementary aged children understand what Thanksgiving is about and what all we have to be Thankful for, and how Ryan and I are so thankful that they are with us!
I would love to have a little girl about 5 to get all dressed up with and take her to the Nutcracker in Houston with Ryan's family, I doubt any precious little girl we would receive will have seen such a thing.
I get SO excited when I think about buying TOYS! Lol and when I imagine the energy and excitement young ones have when opening presents on Christmas!
I get excited when I think about the possibility of having children old enough to do Advent with Jotham's Journey just like I did when I was younger!
I have to wonder if all my many years working in child care was not to prepare me for being a foster mom at 22. I can't wait! I am beyond ecstatic and that makes me laugh because at the start of this journey when we were only just praying about fostering, I had no desire to! And now I can't get our precious ones soon enough! God is amazing!
I just found out recently that my new nurse practitioner that is working with me now is about to foster for adopt a little girl into their family. There is something so reassuring about having healthcare providers who believe in the same God and are called to similar things as I am. I've had many God Knows conversations in her office and I love it!
I am finally seeing big things at work and it is encouraging! I am praying for even bigger things to come over the next couple of weeks! My God can do it!!!
Happy Friday
Monday, October 31, 2011
Progress
Something I have come to understand is, no matter my situation, if there is forward progress I feel more hopeful! Anytime your in a negative situation and you can't move forward at all, that situation has more weight to it and it's harder to have hope.
Well, let me share my happy forward progress!
First off I left my previous OBGYN because she was cold and insensitive. I decided that the way things were looking, I really wanted a Christian doctor. So I got online and did some research and came across a Christian doctor whose name is one Ryan and I have chosen for our future baby boy. The name actually means Christ bearer.
So I called the office and made an appointment with the nurse practitioner. When I met her she asked how I heard about the practice and I told her I searched for a Christian Doctor online. She got very excited and the whole visit was comfortable and safe. I didn't feel judged for being there because if my age, I didn't feel looked down upon, I felt encouraged and hopeful. My nurse practitioner's name is Kelly, so Kelly ran some blood tests and helped me set up an appointment for a procedure that is both diagnostic and just helpful to my circumstance, and she changed my current medication.
So, I had the procedure today and follow up with Kelly on Thursday! I am very excited and pleased with our plan, and progress! And I am hoping for big things in the near future!
Another area we are making forward progress on is our foster care! Tomorrow I will conduct a walk through and health inspection of our house with Starry and on Wednesday Ryan and I will finish our home study which is the last requirement before getting licensed. We are told that we will be licensed the week of November 7th which is next week!
We are doing our last minute house preparations today and tomorrow, which includes painting and putting together a bunk bed!
And in preparing for the months ahead and doing our projected budgets we decided it was fine for me to put in my notice at work, and today I did just that! :) I'm so ready to be done with my job and get to focus on being at home with kids, teaching, tutoring, feeding and loving, I think I was made for such things.
Forward progress makes such a huge difference, and for our progress, I am very grateful!
Well, let me share my happy forward progress!
First off I left my previous OBGYN because she was cold and insensitive. I decided that the way things were looking, I really wanted a Christian doctor. So I got online and did some research and came across a Christian doctor whose name is one Ryan and I have chosen for our future baby boy. The name actually means Christ bearer.
So I called the office and made an appointment with the nurse practitioner. When I met her she asked how I heard about the practice and I told her I searched for a Christian Doctor online. She got very excited and the whole visit was comfortable and safe. I didn't feel judged for being there because if my age, I didn't feel looked down upon, I felt encouraged and hopeful. My nurse practitioner's name is Kelly, so Kelly ran some blood tests and helped me set up an appointment for a procedure that is both diagnostic and just helpful to my circumstance, and she changed my current medication.
So, I had the procedure today and follow up with Kelly on Thursday! I am very excited and pleased with our plan, and progress! And I am hoping for big things in the near future!
Another area we are making forward progress on is our foster care! Tomorrow I will conduct a walk through and health inspection of our house with Starry and on Wednesday Ryan and I will finish our home study which is the last requirement before getting licensed. We are told that we will be licensed the week of November 7th which is next week!
We are doing our last minute house preparations today and tomorrow, which includes painting and putting together a bunk bed!
And in preparing for the months ahead and doing our projected budgets we decided it was fine for me to put in my notice at work, and today I did just that! :) I'm so ready to be done with my job and get to focus on being at home with kids, teaching, tutoring, feeding and loving, I think I was made for such things.
Forward progress makes such a huge difference, and for our progress, I am very grateful!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Discovering the Little Things
I've been discovering things by happenstance lately. One of the biggest being how incredibly blessed I am to have my husband and just how much I love him. A weekend a part was just almost too much for me!
Another thing I have discovered is just how much I have changed, and how happy I am about that! I am more confident, and fiery, willing to stand up for myself and stick to my beliefs, convictions and feelings. I have become more articulate in the ability to analyze myself better and explain it clearly to another person. And yes I may still struggle with anxiety and tend to be a more emotional person than others but I'm much better at realizing it and having more control over those weaknesses, and being able to rely more on God than myself and I believe myself to be wiser than I was a few years ago, which is not to say that I consider myself wise in general, just wiser and more responsible in comparison with my younger self.
I'm not to person I used to be and I thank God for that!
There is a song by Reliant K (a Christian band) that states perfectly "who I am hates who I've been." what a beautiful phrase that reflects the work of God in the lives of people who have not always been who they are today.
Ryan and I get to share in this and it makes us very grateful to have a God who is merciful and whom I believe loves using His power of transformation in His children. I think it's really good for me to revisit every now and then the memories of who I used to be in order to remember what great things God has done for me and how much I've changed. It's sort of like a recharge, it gives me extra motivation to climb higher, and travel farther and farther away from my old self.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says "if anyone be in Christ, they are a new creation, the old has passed away behold the new has come!"
I think as time passes we tend to forget that we are new and Christ and even when a great and obvious change has taken place like in mine and Ryan's lives, we don't ever settle while we are here on earth! Ever onward! Pursuing to become more and more like Christ through His power, glorifying Him in all things and ministering to others.
I hope I am one of those Christians who is sensitive to the need of the moment and knows how to build up like what Ephesians talks about. Not everyone understands that the same way...
I am very grateful for my family. My family is my support group, my friends, my spiritual encouragement, my prayer warriors, and pretty much all that I need after Christ. I'm so grateful for a husband who is a strong spiritual leader and wonderful encouraged who daily learns better how to encourage and love me according to my needs. I'm so grateful for his family now my family. For a mother in law who prays diligently and keeps up with everything going on in our lives even though she lives in another state.
I'm grateful for parents who nurtured and cultivated such important and positive things in me, and who still know how to be awesome parents and spiritual encouragers to myself and my husband while still allowing us to be the leaders of our own little family. I'm thankful for brothers and sisters and parents who pray for each other and love on each other in ways that our world sees as uncommon. I'm thankful for the close bonds I have in all parts of my family units!
Life may not always look like how I want it to be, and some days it feels like the end of the world but when I can pull myself out of the difficulties that bring me down, I tend to see: I am blessed.
Another thing I have discovered is just how much I have changed, and how happy I am about that! I am more confident, and fiery, willing to stand up for myself and stick to my beliefs, convictions and feelings. I have become more articulate in the ability to analyze myself better and explain it clearly to another person. And yes I may still struggle with anxiety and tend to be a more emotional person than others but I'm much better at realizing it and having more control over those weaknesses, and being able to rely more on God than myself and I believe myself to be wiser than I was a few years ago, which is not to say that I consider myself wise in general, just wiser and more responsible in comparison with my younger self.
I'm not to person I used to be and I thank God for that!
There is a song by Reliant K (a Christian band) that states perfectly "who I am hates who I've been." what a beautiful phrase that reflects the work of God in the lives of people who have not always been who they are today.
Ryan and I get to share in this and it makes us very grateful to have a God who is merciful and whom I believe loves using His power of transformation in His children. I think it's really good for me to revisit every now and then the memories of who I used to be in order to remember what great things God has done for me and how much I've changed. It's sort of like a recharge, it gives me extra motivation to climb higher, and travel farther and farther away from my old self.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says "if anyone be in Christ, they are a new creation, the old has passed away behold the new has come!"
I think as time passes we tend to forget that we are new and Christ and even when a great and obvious change has taken place like in mine and Ryan's lives, we don't ever settle while we are here on earth! Ever onward! Pursuing to become more and more like Christ through His power, glorifying Him in all things and ministering to others.
I hope I am one of those Christians who is sensitive to the need of the moment and knows how to build up like what Ephesians talks about. Not everyone understands that the same way...
I am very grateful for my family. My family is my support group, my friends, my spiritual encouragement, my prayer warriors, and pretty much all that I need after Christ. I'm so grateful for a husband who is a strong spiritual leader and wonderful encouraged who daily learns better how to encourage and love me according to my needs. I'm so grateful for his family now my family. For a mother in law who prays diligently and keeps up with everything going on in our lives even though she lives in another state.
I'm grateful for parents who nurtured and cultivated such important and positive things in me, and who still know how to be awesome parents and spiritual encouragers to myself and my husband while still allowing us to be the leaders of our own little family. I'm thankful for brothers and sisters and parents who pray for each other and love on each other in ways that our world sees as uncommon. I'm thankful for the close bonds I have in all parts of my family units!
Life may not always look like how I want it to be, and some days it feels like the end of the world but when I can pull myself out of the difficulties that bring me down, I tend to see: I am blessed.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Adjustments
I was thinking, just now, about how life contains millions of adjustments. From the beginning we learn to adjust and adapt. The first adjustment, life outside of mom (let's leave it at that!) babies cry a lot! But let's think about this, everything is louder, colder, harsher and generally more intense. Nourishment doesn't happen the same way, we have diapers and clothes to deal with and people messing with us constantly. Poor babies!
But, one of the more pleasant adjustments is physical touch. I have often seen sleeping babies in the arms of someone who loves them and they tend to reach their tiny hand out and rest it gently on the chest/collarbone area somewhere near the heart. What an amazing natural instinct!
So in thinking about adjustments I have come to realize that there is a rather large list of adjustments I am really not enjoying or am not looking forward to. So bare with me while the "Waaahh-ambulance" drives up for a few minutes:
My Job which tends to entail...
Mean people
Constant management and coworker changes
Everyone (including coworkers who have no authority over me) telling me what to do what not to do and precisely how to do it.
Waking up at the 3, 4, and 5 o'clock hours in the morning
Raging headaches that come from lack of sleep and constant caffeine adjustments
Feeling exhausted pretty much all the time
Financial adjustments which are a really good and healthy for us but not necessarily easy
This means always knowing where all of our money is, coming, and going
It means not ever spending money on anything that doesn't have a specific place in our budget
Which means several budget meetings a week and lots of math.
Family adjustments:
Ryan and I being stressed out more often and constantly than normal
On the search for a church home (again/still)
Not having a real great support group in the form of close friends yet
Holidays are still an adjustment going back and forth between each others families
This years holidays are going to be a huge adjustment and I was shocked to realize last night, I'm not as prepared for it as I thought I was.
I'm praying we will have little foster babies at Christmas but weather we do or not, there is a good possibility we will have a new little niece, and a very pregnant sister.
I hope I am not misunderstood here, I carry no resentment or bitterness over these happy little bundles of joy, just sadness, confusion and a little jealousy. It's hard to imagine us with foster kids in that situation because being a visual thinker, I have nothing to base it on. And my hope is that if we are placed by Christmas, the way I feel not about the situation will not be the way I feel then.
This last adjustment is probably my greatest struggle at the moment, and I think I may have just tried to push it away by being so focused on where I am not and getting all of our foster care paperwork and tasks in order. But unfortunately all that has done is put off the confrontation I must have with my feelings.
Now to be honest I have always struggled with where my true worth comes from. Not consciously but without realizing that's what it was. I grew up in a loving Christian home so I know my worth is in Christ, but to steal a phrase from my Mom "What does that look like in my kitchen?"
What I have been struggling with lately is why a seemingly healthy 22 year old girl who happens to be 1 of 6 children cannot have a baby. And there are days where it doesn't matter and I know God is in charge and everything is ok, but then there are days that my situation seems to strip me of all femininity, value, beauty and worth. The greatest difference in Ryans and mine roles in our home just diminished. I know in my head that it's silly but my feelings and emotions don't always grasp that. The one thing God gave only to women and not men, I don't seem to have. That makes me feel ugly to my very core.
But I started to think recently, if I can't have this specific kind of feminine beauty I should be really pretty, and in a haunting way, the mirror laughed at me. I'm not that either. In the past two years I have gained almost 30 pounds and currently weigh more than I ever have. My Dr told me my weight was not the cause of our fertility issues and that I apparently wasn't as overweight as I insist I am.
What does she know? If I can't be pregnant I should not be fat!
And in thinking about it I think I got this way because of poor adjustment!
Stress, lack of sleep, bad eating habits, medications to adjust my body, and then lack of those medications quite suddenly, marriage changes a lot too, apparently most women gain weight when they get married...
Anyway, enough with the pity party I'm sending the "Waaah-ambulance" away now.
Here are the adjustments I am looking forward to, the Pro list if you will:
A regular work out routine
More time to spend on planning and cooking healthy food
Not having a job
Being placed with our first foster babies
Getting more organized
Keeping a cleaner more organized home (I'm halfway there)
Teaching preschool
Becoming a cheerleader for our foster kids
Turning myself into more of a planner
Writing more consistently.
Being pregnant (whenever that happens)
Trusting God without as much anxiety (that's gonna take some work)
There are Pros to every Cons list, sometimes it just takes writing it down to see it.
But, one of the more pleasant adjustments is physical touch. I have often seen sleeping babies in the arms of someone who loves them and they tend to reach their tiny hand out and rest it gently on the chest/collarbone area somewhere near the heart. What an amazing natural instinct!
So in thinking about adjustments I have come to realize that there is a rather large list of adjustments I am really not enjoying or am not looking forward to. So bare with me while the "Waaahh-ambulance" drives up for a few minutes:
My Job which tends to entail...
Mean people
Constant management and coworker changes
Everyone (including coworkers who have no authority over me) telling me what to do what not to do and precisely how to do it.
Waking up at the 3, 4, and 5 o'clock hours in the morning
Raging headaches that come from lack of sleep and constant caffeine adjustments
Feeling exhausted pretty much all the time
Financial adjustments which are a really good and healthy for us but not necessarily easy
This means always knowing where all of our money is, coming, and going
It means not ever spending money on anything that doesn't have a specific place in our budget
Which means several budget meetings a week and lots of math.
Family adjustments:
Ryan and I being stressed out more often and constantly than normal
On the search for a church home (again/still)
Not having a real great support group in the form of close friends yet
Holidays are still an adjustment going back and forth between each others families
This years holidays are going to be a huge adjustment and I was shocked to realize last night, I'm not as prepared for it as I thought I was.
I'm praying we will have little foster babies at Christmas but weather we do or not, there is a good possibility we will have a new little niece, and a very pregnant sister.
I hope I am not misunderstood here, I carry no resentment or bitterness over these happy little bundles of joy, just sadness, confusion and a little jealousy. It's hard to imagine us with foster kids in that situation because being a visual thinker, I have nothing to base it on. And my hope is that if we are placed by Christmas, the way I feel not about the situation will not be the way I feel then.
This last adjustment is probably my greatest struggle at the moment, and I think I may have just tried to push it away by being so focused on where I am not and getting all of our foster care paperwork and tasks in order. But unfortunately all that has done is put off the confrontation I must have with my feelings.
Now to be honest I have always struggled with where my true worth comes from. Not consciously but without realizing that's what it was. I grew up in a loving Christian home so I know my worth is in Christ, but to steal a phrase from my Mom "What does that look like in my kitchen?"
What I have been struggling with lately is why a seemingly healthy 22 year old girl who happens to be 1 of 6 children cannot have a baby. And there are days where it doesn't matter and I know God is in charge and everything is ok, but then there are days that my situation seems to strip me of all femininity, value, beauty and worth. The greatest difference in Ryans and mine roles in our home just diminished. I know in my head that it's silly but my feelings and emotions don't always grasp that. The one thing God gave only to women and not men, I don't seem to have. That makes me feel ugly to my very core.
But I started to think recently, if I can't have this specific kind of feminine beauty I should be really pretty, and in a haunting way, the mirror laughed at me. I'm not that either. In the past two years I have gained almost 30 pounds and currently weigh more than I ever have. My Dr told me my weight was not the cause of our fertility issues and that I apparently wasn't as overweight as I insist I am.
What does she know? If I can't be pregnant I should not be fat!
And in thinking about it I think I got this way because of poor adjustment!
Stress, lack of sleep, bad eating habits, medications to adjust my body, and then lack of those medications quite suddenly, marriage changes a lot too, apparently most women gain weight when they get married...
Anyway, enough with the pity party I'm sending the "Waaah-ambulance" away now.
Here are the adjustments I am looking forward to, the Pro list if you will:
A regular work out routine
More time to spend on planning and cooking healthy food
Not having a job
Being placed with our first foster babies
Getting more organized
Keeping a cleaner more organized home (I'm halfway there)
Teaching preschool
Becoming a cheerleader for our foster kids
Turning myself into more of a planner
Writing more consistently.
Being pregnant (whenever that happens)
Trusting God without as much anxiety (that's gonna take some work)
There are Pros to every Cons list, sometimes it just takes writing it down to see it.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thoughts...
The seasons are finally changing. Autumn is my favorite season and yet the most quiet, reflective, and nostalgic. These are not the things on my mind when I think about Autumn being my favorite season. The things I do reflect on are the colors; red orange yellow brown. It is my favorite color grouping. I also think about new beginnings, probably related to school as I was growing up. I think about peaceful music, cool weather floating in through open windows and a clean home. Also products of my growing up.
But now that the clouds have finally brought some much needed rain and the season feels as though it has finally arrived and I am overwhelmed by memories and nostalgia which is not necessarily a bad thing it's just very strange to remember years not that long ago but that seem so distant and far away. Life changes and goes by so quickly.
Something I heard in a sermon today is how so many Christians live life as though they are driving a car without any destination in mind, aimless, purposeless.
I don't want to be that way, at all! In fact this weather has actually helped pull me out of life's routine so that I can reflect, and that's a very good thing. Upon reflection I have rediscovered goals that have fallen to the way side because of business, fatigue, and forgetfulness.
I have mentioned some future goals in a blog not so long ago so I won't repeat any of that, these are more short term goals.
I want to finish novels I've started, and be brave enough to send them to publishers.
I want to get back into music, singing it, writing it, learning it. We have a beautiful old piano in our living room that needs some love but I see family music lessons taking place in our living room. Ryan and I have been wanting to learn to play but now we see beautiful foster children laughing at us as we try to learn with them.
I want to work on getting outside more now that there is not an immediate threat of heat related health issues. I want to work out more.
I think we will join the Y with a family membership and all go together several nights a week, it's also a great way to get foster children into a free sports league and give them the encouragement and cheering that every kid should have when pursuing something they love.
I want to spend more time being reflective and asking important questions. I want my thoughts and my rest time to be more purposeful. And I want to encourage such thinking and questions in children who stay in our home.
I want to have an on hand curriculum for preschoolers we home, and a good family bible time activity in mind that works for most ages.
I want a purpose driven life.
But now that the clouds have finally brought some much needed rain and the season feels as though it has finally arrived and I am overwhelmed by memories and nostalgia which is not necessarily a bad thing it's just very strange to remember years not that long ago but that seem so distant and far away. Life changes and goes by so quickly.
Something I heard in a sermon today is how so many Christians live life as though they are driving a car without any destination in mind, aimless, purposeless.
I don't want to be that way, at all! In fact this weather has actually helped pull me out of life's routine so that I can reflect, and that's a very good thing. Upon reflection I have rediscovered goals that have fallen to the way side because of business, fatigue, and forgetfulness.
I have mentioned some future goals in a blog not so long ago so I won't repeat any of that, these are more short term goals.
I want to finish novels I've started, and be brave enough to send them to publishers.
I want to get back into music, singing it, writing it, learning it. We have a beautiful old piano in our living room that needs some love but I see family music lessons taking place in our living room. Ryan and I have been wanting to learn to play but now we see beautiful foster children laughing at us as we try to learn with them.
I want to work on getting outside more now that there is not an immediate threat of heat related health issues. I want to work out more.
I think we will join the Y with a family membership and all go together several nights a week, it's also a great way to get foster children into a free sports league and give them the encouragement and cheering that every kid should have when pursuing something they love.
I want to spend more time being reflective and asking important questions. I want my thoughts and my rest time to be more purposeful. And I want to encourage such thinking and questions in children who stay in our home.
I want to have an on hand curriculum for preschoolers we home, and a good family bible time activity in mind that works for most ages.
I want a purpose driven life.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
"As for Me and My House; We Will Serve The Lord!"
I'm trying to decide the best way to start this blog, and how to phrase what's bubbling up inside of me.
To begin simply; My sweet husband and I were blessed by a nice man, who comes into my work during my morning shifts. He knows my family and met my husband recently and asked if we had seen Courageous. I told him not yet but that we planned to and he handed me some money. (Thinking this was his payment for his coffee I took it.) He stopped me from putting it in the register and said that it was for Ryan and I to go see the movie. I thanked him but tried to give him the money back and he wouldn't take it. Movie dates aren't exactly in the budget very often so I certainly felt blessed and we did what we were told to do with the money and went to see Courageous this evening. (The most powerful movie I have ever seen.)
We have seen pretty much every Christian/inspirational movie there is but this does not compare. I'm not going to say anything about the movie that you can't already see in previews, it's about men. Strong courageous godly men. Good husbands and good fathers. It's about the importance of their roles in the life of the generations that follow after them. It's a powerful movie because of the state of MY generation. And by MY generation, I mean all the early 20somethings out there.
The statistics of what becomes of children who either had an absent father or... well, not a very good one, are sad to say the least.
What this movie provoked in me was a heart for the young and stupid people out there who have become a statistic because of their dads. A heart for the next generation, young children, who are growing up without dads right now; and it gave me an overwhelming sense of gratefulness for the father and the home that I grew up with.
A father teaches boys what being a man looks like (good or bad) and a father teaches girls their self worth and confidence (good or bad) without a good influence these important teachings fall to the way side and we are left with broken generations.
Ryan and I are inspired to try to exemplify what the Bible teaches about being parents, and are grateful that we have some good examples to pull from.
Today at work I served a woman who I noticed had a Konos Curriculum book as well as a familiar looking book on Castles. Excitedly I told her "I love Konos! My mom did that with us when we were homeschooling and it was my favorite thing. We even used that book and made an awesome castle out of boxes and had a medieval feast and everything. It was awesome."
She smiled at me and we discussed the curriculum for a while before she asked me: "so were you homeschooled all 12 years?"
"3rd grade through graduation." I told her. Her response cracked me up!
"And you're not weird at all!!! See, people think if I do it all the way my kids will be weird."
I laughed and told her some homeschoolers are but there are ways around it. We chatted for a while and I told her I plan on Homeschooling my kids.
I became very grateful for my wise and organized Mama! (Whom I will probably have several phone conversations and meetings with when I get to homeschooling my kids!)
Another thing that happened at work today was a conversation with a co-worker who has turned away from Christ. We were talking about mental issues in the area of addictions and mental disorders like bipolar, depression, extreme anxiety etc. Genetics and family tree came up and he said: "My kids are already pretty much screwed based on that." (He doesn't have kids yet.)
Very excitedly I went on to tell him how that wasn't true! And how even though people may have more of a genetic draw or leaning to mental problems doesn't mean they end up the same way as passed relatives or generations. I gave him the awesome example of both of my parents genetic make-up of depressive mental illness, alcoholism, broken homes etc. and how the genes were certainly stacked against them and their kids two-fold but that God is bigger than all that and with their trust and focus on Him they just decided 'The Buck Stops Here!' And it pretty much did!
Now that is not to say that there are no struggles (I think about invisible rope that may pull on one of us a bit here and there.) But because we have a strong and loving family and an even stronger and more loving God, we get through those struggles (And are stronger than the invisible ropes that tug every once in a while)
I am so blessed by my parents and siblings both by their examples, their love, support, encouragement and wisdom. I am lucky and blessed!
And as Ryan and I move forward in our own journey to raising a family (No matter what that may look like) We have decided that "As for me and my house WE will serve the Lord"
To begin simply; My sweet husband and I were blessed by a nice man, who comes into my work during my morning shifts. He knows my family and met my husband recently and asked if we had seen Courageous. I told him not yet but that we planned to and he handed me some money. (Thinking this was his payment for his coffee I took it.) He stopped me from putting it in the register and said that it was for Ryan and I to go see the movie. I thanked him but tried to give him the money back and he wouldn't take it. Movie dates aren't exactly in the budget very often so I certainly felt blessed and we did what we were told to do with the money and went to see Courageous this evening. (The most powerful movie I have ever seen.)
We have seen pretty much every Christian/inspirational movie there is but this does not compare. I'm not going to say anything about the movie that you can't already see in previews, it's about men. Strong courageous godly men. Good husbands and good fathers. It's about the importance of their roles in the life of the generations that follow after them. It's a powerful movie because of the state of MY generation. And by MY generation, I mean all the early 20somethings out there.
The statistics of what becomes of children who either had an absent father or... well, not a very good one, are sad to say the least.
What this movie provoked in me was a heart for the young and stupid people out there who have become a statistic because of their dads. A heart for the next generation, young children, who are growing up without dads right now; and it gave me an overwhelming sense of gratefulness for the father and the home that I grew up with.
A father teaches boys what being a man looks like (good or bad) and a father teaches girls their self worth and confidence (good or bad) without a good influence these important teachings fall to the way side and we are left with broken generations.
Ryan and I are inspired to try to exemplify what the Bible teaches about being parents, and are grateful that we have some good examples to pull from.
Today at work I served a woman who I noticed had a Konos Curriculum book as well as a familiar looking book on Castles. Excitedly I told her "I love Konos! My mom did that with us when we were homeschooling and it was my favorite thing. We even used that book and made an awesome castle out of boxes and had a medieval feast and everything. It was awesome."
She smiled at me and we discussed the curriculum for a while before she asked me: "so were you homeschooled all 12 years?"
"3rd grade through graduation." I told her. Her response cracked me up!
"And you're not weird at all!!! See, people think if I do it all the way my kids will be weird."
I laughed and told her some homeschoolers are but there are ways around it. We chatted for a while and I told her I plan on Homeschooling my kids.
I became very grateful for my wise and organized Mama! (Whom I will probably have several phone conversations and meetings with when I get to homeschooling my kids!)
Another thing that happened at work today was a conversation with a co-worker who has turned away from Christ. We were talking about mental issues in the area of addictions and mental disorders like bipolar, depression, extreme anxiety etc. Genetics and family tree came up and he said: "My kids are already pretty much screwed based on that." (He doesn't have kids yet.)
Very excitedly I went on to tell him how that wasn't true! And how even though people may have more of a genetic draw or leaning to mental problems doesn't mean they end up the same way as passed relatives or generations. I gave him the awesome example of both of my parents genetic make-up of depressive mental illness, alcoholism, broken homes etc. and how the genes were certainly stacked against them and their kids two-fold but that God is bigger than all that and with their trust and focus on Him they just decided 'The Buck Stops Here!' And it pretty much did!
Now that is not to say that there are no struggles (I think about invisible rope that may pull on one of us a bit here and there.) But because we have a strong and loving family and an even stronger and more loving God, we get through those struggles (And are stronger than the invisible ropes that tug every once in a while)
I am so blessed by my parents and siblings both by their examples, their love, support, encouragement and wisdom. I am lucky and blessed!
And as Ryan and I move forward in our own journey to raising a family (No matter what that may look like) We have decided that "As for me and my house WE will serve the Lord"
Sunday, October 2, 2011
ADD Blog Style
I have a lot of things I think I want to blog about and they aren't really related, just all on my mind... Thus my title.
I am a person often battling my emotions, and this week my husband has looked me over several times and asked "what's wrong?" what my face must have been showing I can only guess but answering his ongoing question this week has been kind of difficult. I don't really know how to pinpoint what I feel or why when I seem overwhelmed. A coping strategy of mine is to keep busy and look all the way forward to the next big exciting thing in life, which tends to leave me lost in the present. Lost and confused.
I think some of the things that get me down lately are waiting impatiently for God's timing in several areas of life, an unsettling feeling of not having a specific kind of home/family I think my husband and I both need and long for. We have great families, but are still working on those forever friendships that start at the beginning of our own family.
I am unsatisfied with myself and yet seem too lazy and undisciplined to stick to a game plan long enough to make any real changes.
I think what it all comes down to is having a healthy, bright, image of what I want our life to look like and not really getting there... Yet.
But in recognizing how much of my emotional frustration is something I or we (my husband and I) have control over, I've decided to start making a list of goals to attain in an attempt to do my part in getting to that ideal image of life I'd like my family to have. We are on the right paths in a lot of ways.
Lately we have been really busy even in our "spare" time, and this is very normal for most people in America but I hate it! We are reading a really neat book together called "Weird" and so far it's really good. It talks about America's need to be busy to achieve success and how, if that's normal, let's be weird! I totally agree and I remember my parents working really hard when I was growing up to keep my family from being too busy and to spend most dinner times together at the table. This is something we have decided to adopt starting now, before kids, which tend to bring sports and all sorts of extra curricular activities into the mix. I mean, there is nothing wrong with soccer until it takes over your life, and all things in moderation right?
That's how I feel about it anyway
Another way I choose to be weird is my devotion to my husband/family and home.
I work right now but I don't enjoy it and I plan to be at home as soon as I possibly can. I never really wanted a career (gasp! I know,) I never got a college degree (a shame... Not!) and I do not consider that a loss AT ALL!!! My husband and I are firm in our conviction of our children getting me more than 3 hours in the evening (between pick up from daycare and bedtime)
I know this is not everyone's conviction and it's certainly not the norm but I refuse to let anyone belittle or talk down to me because of this calling I know God has given me! I do not need to have a college degree or successful business career to make a difference in the world or other people's lives!
While we are talking about being weird here is another way my husband and I will choose to be weird. We want to home school our children. We are not sure how long or exactly what curriculum we will use but we definitely want to make sure our children have a firm foundation of Christ to build their lives upon.
Now I have seen two ugly extreme opinions on this matter and I want to make quite clear that I stand with neither. One extreme is a very ignorant, closed minded way of thinking, that homeschooling is the only way, it is the way of life, and public schools are some sort of child prison.... Oh my gosh don't even get me started on cult like homeschoolers! That is certainly not our view and our children may end up in public schools when they are older and maybe want to be salt and light in the world! We will get there when we get there. The other side of this opinion that we obviously don't hold is that homeschooling is some type of neglect or sad excuse for education and socialization, while that can be true of lazy moms who try homeschooling halfheartedly, that was never true of my mom and will never be true of myself. My homeschool experience did not include lounging around in pjs reading books on the sofa. We had to be up by a specific time, dressed and ready to begin a very structured and scheduled day of school just like most other kids and props to my mom for doing so!
I may have somehow ended up on a soap box... I didn't even know that's what they looked like! .... I'll step down now...
Another thing I think about wanting my life to look like is Ryan and I being caring, compassionate, gentle, and loving. The process of becoming foster parents is really helping me think about my life as it would be viewed by a child, maybe a hurting child, lost, sad, and searching for answers. What would they take away from observing and interacting with me?
The more I think of this the more I let it and encourage it to shape mine and Ryan's life. Would we drive this way with foster children in the car? Would we say these words where little ears could hear? Would we use this tone or volume where a scared and insecure child might overhear? Would we take them to this place, allow them to hear this teaching? Everything now has a different context and it's challenging my pants off! ... In a good way! I am suddenly so aware of weaknesses and lack of discipline and I'm grateful to be seeing it now in preparation for big things rather than in the midst of them.
I've been thinking about our future foster adventures like shepherding because it is so prominent in the Bible, and because during a quiet time of mine while Ryan and I were still seeking God's direction as it related to foster care I believe He gave me this verse;
"Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. "(1 Peter 5:2-4 NIV)
The flock that will be under our care are children, and no matter how difficult or sweet they may be they are ours to shepherd while they are with us and the way we want to strive to do this is Biblically, with love and compassion and understanding what they have been through, being patient and sensitive quick to listen and slow to speak. Isn't that what true pastoring is about? Loving the flock, caring for them on their level of understanding, patiently helping them attain their needs.
This is SO important and close to my heart because I don't believe there are as many Christ Followers doing this in the world as their should be! And to be clear I'm not talking about foster care! I'm just talking about people in the world, saved or not. The Bible tells us that we will be (should be) known as Christians by our love! Not our judgment or free advice and opinions! Just love people! And keep your opinions under your tongue until 1.) you are asked for them and 2.) can give them with a pure and loving heart!
That's how I feel about that, anyway.
Woah where did this soap box come from?! ... Oops
Well, I guess I've gotten out what was on my mind and heart, I have some more scripture to read and an evening with my wonderful husband ahead of me!
I am a person often battling my emotions, and this week my husband has looked me over several times and asked "what's wrong?" what my face must have been showing I can only guess but answering his ongoing question this week has been kind of difficult. I don't really know how to pinpoint what I feel or why when I seem overwhelmed. A coping strategy of mine is to keep busy and look all the way forward to the next big exciting thing in life, which tends to leave me lost in the present. Lost and confused.
I think some of the things that get me down lately are waiting impatiently for God's timing in several areas of life, an unsettling feeling of not having a specific kind of home/family I think my husband and I both need and long for. We have great families, but are still working on those forever friendships that start at the beginning of our own family.
I am unsatisfied with myself and yet seem too lazy and undisciplined to stick to a game plan long enough to make any real changes.
I think what it all comes down to is having a healthy, bright, image of what I want our life to look like and not really getting there... Yet.
But in recognizing how much of my emotional frustration is something I or we (my husband and I) have control over, I've decided to start making a list of goals to attain in an attempt to do my part in getting to that ideal image of life I'd like my family to have. We are on the right paths in a lot of ways.
Lately we have been really busy even in our "spare" time, and this is very normal for most people in America but I hate it! We are reading a really neat book together called "Weird" and so far it's really good. It talks about America's need to be busy to achieve success and how, if that's normal, let's be weird! I totally agree and I remember my parents working really hard when I was growing up to keep my family from being too busy and to spend most dinner times together at the table. This is something we have decided to adopt starting now, before kids, which tend to bring sports and all sorts of extra curricular activities into the mix. I mean, there is nothing wrong with soccer until it takes over your life, and all things in moderation right?
That's how I feel about it anyway
Another way I choose to be weird is my devotion to my husband/family and home.
I work right now but I don't enjoy it and I plan to be at home as soon as I possibly can. I never really wanted a career (gasp! I know,) I never got a college degree (a shame... Not!) and I do not consider that a loss AT ALL!!! My husband and I are firm in our conviction of our children getting me more than 3 hours in the evening (between pick up from daycare and bedtime)
I know this is not everyone's conviction and it's certainly not the norm but I refuse to let anyone belittle or talk down to me because of this calling I know God has given me! I do not need to have a college degree or successful business career to make a difference in the world or other people's lives!
While we are talking about being weird here is another way my husband and I will choose to be weird. We want to home school our children. We are not sure how long or exactly what curriculum we will use but we definitely want to make sure our children have a firm foundation of Christ to build their lives upon.
Now I have seen two ugly extreme opinions on this matter and I want to make quite clear that I stand with neither. One extreme is a very ignorant, closed minded way of thinking, that homeschooling is the only way, it is the way of life, and public schools are some sort of child prison.... Oh my gosh don't even get me started on cult like homeschoolers! That is certainly not our view and our children may end up in public schools when they are older and maybe want to be salt and light in the world! We will get there when we get there. The other side of this opinion that we obviously don't hold is that homeschooling is some type of neglect or sad excuse for education and socialization, while that can be true of lazy moms who try homeschooling halfheartedly, that was never true of my mom and will never be true of myself. My homeschool experience did not include lounging around in pjs reading books on the sofa. We had to be up by a specific time, dressed and ready to begin a very structured and scheduled day of school just like most other kids and props to my mom for doing so!
I may have somehow ended up on a soap box... I didn't even know that's what they looked like! .... I'll step down now...
Another thing I think about wanting my life to look like is Ryan and I being caring, compassionate, gentle, and loving. The process of becoming foster parents is really helping me think about my life as it would be viewed by a child, maybe a hurting child, lost, sad, and searching for answers. What would they take away from observing and interacting with me?
The more I think of this the more I let it and encourage it to shape mine and Ryan's life. Would we drive this way with foster children in the car? Would we say these words where little ears could hear? Would we use this tone or volume where a scared and insecure child might overhear? Would we take them to this place, allow them to hear this teaching? Everything now has a different context and it's challenging my pants off! ... In a good way! I am suddenly so aware of weaknesses and lack of discipline and I'm grateful to be seeing it now in preparation for big things rather than in the midst of them.
I've been thinking about our future foster adventures like shepherding because it is so prominent in the Bible, and because during a quiet time of mine while Ryan and I were still seeking God's direction as it related to foster care I believe He gave me this verse;
"Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. "(1 Peter 5:2-4 NIV)
The flock that will be under our care are children, and no matter how difficult or sweet they may be they are ours to shepherd while they are with us and the way we want to strive to do this is Biblically, with love and compassion and understanding what they have been through, being patient and sensitive quick to listen and slow to speak. Isn't that what true pastoring is about? Loving the flock, caring for them on their level of understanding, patiently helping them attain their needs.
This is SO important and close to my heart because I don't believe there are as many Christ Followers doing this in the world as their should be! And to be clear I'm not talking about foster care! I'm just talking about people in the world, saved or not. The Bible tells us that we will be (should be) known as Christians by our love! Not our judgment or free advice and opinions! Just love people! And keep your opinions under your tongue until 1.) you are asked for them and 2.) can give them with a pure and loving heart!
That's how I feel about that, anyway.
Woah where did this soap box come from?! ... Oops
Well, I guess I've gotten out what was on my mind and heart, I have some more scripture to read and an evening with my wonderful husband ahead of me!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Update
Yesterday we went to a behavior/child psychology class as a part of our Foster Care process. It was incredibly sad, moving, encouraging and insightful.
The statistics of developmental and behavioral problems that are directly related to disfunction in the home are astounding! And the amount of damage that can be done to a child in the first year of their life... Appalling.
See, a baby under 1 year old has very basic needs; food, sleep, cleanliness, and love. When a baby is neglected they stop crying for what they need. They won't cry when they are hungry and they don't learn that someone will care for them. This and even yelling and arguing on a regular basis in the home causes the brain to give off adrenaline and dopamine, the fight or flight chemicals.
When a baby experiences these chemicals the whole brain is focused on it and therefore causes all kinds of developmental delays!
Physical touch is extremely important to babies under a year old! The lack of physical touch itself causes developmental and emotional delays and problems.
This really spoke to me as my love language is physical touch. It really made me want to go back and tell Starry we would be happy to have babies! Just so I could meet those needs that impact the rest of their lives!
We studied scenarios that have actually taken place in foster homes, one of the most common is hiding food in bedrooms and stealing money. This isn't really about being defiant or acting out, it's about security to these kids because they don't know when they are going to be fed next or if they will come across a traumatic event that will make them want to run away from home with nothing but the clothes on their backs and whatever cash they can get in their pockets.
How sad is that? And these are really more of the minor situations we discussed. I won't go into detail about some of the more risqué issues we had to go over but let me just say, a lot of these kids end up with issues because of a lack of boundaries and scenery protection and have seen way more than their young eyes should have, giving them a confused and distorted view of sertain aspects of life.
I am feeling more and more like we are in the right place right now. And am beginning to see clear images of life in our home with foster children and how we might make big positive differences in the lives of these precious children through the power and direction God is giving us!
The statistics of developmental and behavioral problems that are directly related to disfunction in the home are astounding! And the amount of damage that can be done to a child in the first year of their life... Appalling.
See, a baby under 1 year old has very basic needs; food, sleep, cleanliness, and love. When a baby is neglected they stop crying for what they need. They won't cry when they are hungry and they don't learn that someone will care for them. This and even yelling and arguing on a regular basis in the home causes the brain to give off adrenaline and dopamine, the fight or flight chemicals.
When a baby experiences these chemicals the whole brain is focused on it and therefore causes all kinds of developmental delays!
Physical touch is extremely important to babies under a year old! The lack of physical touch itself causes developmental and emotional delays and problems.
This really spoke to me as my love language is physical touch. It really made me want to go back and tell Starry we would be happy to have babies! Just so I could meet those needs that impact the rest of their lives!
We studied scenarios that have actually taken place in foster homes, one of the most common is hiding food in bedrooms and stealing money. This isn't really about being defiant or acting out, it's about security to these kids because they don't know when they are going to be fed next or if they will come across a traumatic event that will make them want to run away from home with nothing but the clothes on their backs and whatever cash they can get in their pockets.
How sad is that? And these are really more of the minor situations we discussed. I won't go into detail about some of the more risqué issues we had to go over but let me just say, a lot of these kids end up with issues because of a lack of boundaries and scenery protection and have seen way more than their young eyes should have, giving them a confused and distorted view of sertain aspects of life.
I am feeling more and more like we are in the right place right now. And am beginning to see clear images of life in our home with foster children and how we might make big positive differences in the lives of these precious children through the power and direction God is giving us!
Friday, September 23, 2011
A Comfortable Room for Kids
While trying not to allow myself to get to far ahead emotionally with our Foster Care process I do want to be prepared so I have decided how I want to outfit our extra bedroom in preparation to receiving children.
I went with something gender neutral and something I can use to help further little one's education.
This is the bed we want (It allows us to keep our current full size mattress.)
The bed is from Walmart and can be seperated into two beds if desired. Lots of use can come from it.
This is the bedding I've chosen from Ikea!
And of course I'll be bringing in color with the window treatments and sheet sets for the bed and accessories around the room. I found a twin sheet set that is bright orange at Walmart and bought it because it was on super clearance! I may do the bottom bunk in lime green or something.
Here are some pillows with colors I'd use and I would just buy some inexpensive fabric and make them myself!
And then some decor for the walls I think would be fun are this poster print and mirror, both from ikea and both sporting some fun and happy lime green colors! :)
So this is just a little of what I have in mind. I want to bring in some red and sky blue as well and get enough variety in color that any gender would be comfortable in the room. And I'm all about the bright colors because I think they help provide a "Happy Feel" to the space which would be so important to foster children!
I'm getting very excited about our process. My background check came through with a copy of my FBI finger prints from a previous position in child care so I don't have to get my finger prints done again which is great.
I finished the online Foster Medical training yesterday, we have an 8hr behavioral training tomorrow morning, and another training a week from Monday as well as CPR/First aid scheduled for this Thursday!
We are on a roll snowballing all of the things we need to get done to be placed.
We finish up our TB tests and get the paperwork tomorrow as well so we could easily be done with everything required of us by mid October, leaving only the home visits before we get placed.
So our plan to foster children for Christmas may work out after all! =)
I went with something gender neutral and something I can use to help further little one's education.
This is the bed we want (It allows us to keep our current full size mattress.)
The bed is from Walmart and can be seperated into two beds if desired. Lots of use can come from it.
This is the bedding I've chosen from Ikea!
And of course I'll be bringing in color with the window treatments and sheet sets for the bed and accessories around the room. I found a twin sheet set that is bright orange at Walmart and bought it because it was on super clearance! I may do the bottom bunk in lime green or something.
Here are some pillows with colors I'd use and I would just buy some inexpensive fabric and make them myself!
And then some decor for the walls I think would be fun are this poster print and mirror, both from ikea and both sporting some fun and happy lime green colors! :)
So this is just a little of what I have in mind. I want to bring in some red and sky blue as well and get enough variety in color that any gender would be comfortable in the room. And I'm all about the bright colors because I think they help provide a "Happy Feel" to the space which would be so important to foster children!
I'm getting very excited about our process. My background check came through with a copy of my FBI finger prints from a previous position in child care so I don't have to get my finger prints done again which is great.
I finished the online Foster Medical training yesterday, we have an 8hr behavioral training tomorrow morning, and another training a week from Monday as well as CPR/First aid scheduled for this Thursday!
We are on a roll snowballing all of the things we need to get done to be placed.
We finish up our TB tests and get the paperwork tomorrow as well so we could easily be done with everything required of us by mid October, leaving only the home visits before we get placed.
So our plan to foster children for Christmas may work out after all! =)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
What a Whirl Wind!
Well, Ryan and I met with Starry yesterday afternoon and in my opinion it went exceedingly well! We were told that as far as our extensive application and first meeting went, there was no indication that we should have any trouble being placed.
We were given a check list and a new packet of paperwork to take home and work on. Our check list is more than half way finished!
over the next few weeks we will be going to classes/training, getting our home health and fire ready and inspected, going over policies and procedures to sign and a whole lot of important little things. We were told that the length of our applications process is really up to us in the sense that, it is dependent on when we can get everything done. From there we will have two home visits and the paperwork from those has a 6 week time limit so we COULD have children at Christmas!
We will see, it's got a lot to do with when they receive children as well, but I'm still excited! I've gotten a lot done today and Ryan and I may get to check off TB tests and CPR and First Aid training tonight!
God is good! There are so many unknowns in life right now and yet I feel blessed with a sense of peace and confidence in God's mighty plans.
We were given a check list and a new packet of paperwork to take home and work on. Our check list is more than half way finished!
over the next few weeks we will be going to classes/training, getting our home health and fire ready and inspected, going over policies and procedures to sign and a whole lot of important little things. We were told that the length of our applications process is really up to us in the sense that, it is dependent on when we can get everything done. From there we will have two home visits and the paperwork from those has a 6 week time limit so we COULD have children at Christmas!
We will see, it's got a lot to do with when they receive children as well, but I'm still excited! I've gotten a lot done today and Ryan and I may get to check off TB tests and CPR and First Aid training tonight!
God is good! There are so many unknowns in life right now and yet I feel blessed with a sense of peace and confidence in God's mighty plans.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Honestly Me
Well, yet again it's been a good long while since I've blogged, but I figured my readers were few and probably already know what's going on with me anyway.
I'm not sure who all reads this, especially because I haven't updated in a long while, so I just figure I'm gonna document what God is doing in our lives. (myself and my sweet husband, Ryan)
So this is us, our journey as we seek to follow hard after Christ even when we don't understand His will or timing.
This is the honest me, true stories of life.
I guess what's on my mind most as write this is the current struggle/excitement in our lives and it's been going on for several months now but under wraps. And lately I have felt that I'd rather have more prayer than a private/exclusive part of life.
So here it is: This week we are meeting with Starry, a Children At Heart program for foster care. This is something Ryan and I have discussed on and off from the very first few months of our marriage. It went from theory to future to seeking God's will and timing, to scheduling an orientation meeting and filling out a 21 page application.
Now in recent months this has been more of a prayer walk and we believe that God has spoken to us through scripture and prayer that this is what He has for us right now. We don't even know if we will be accepted as foster parents but if we aren't we will know God just wanted us to act on His calling and be willing to serve where he leads. If we are accepted we will undergo 30 hours of training, several interviews and inspections and then be placed with our first foster children and we will be delighted! But I have to admit we haven't always felt that way and even now we are a little anxious about the possible future but know that God will equip us for what He has called us to.
In recent months I have been closed off to the idea of taking care of "other people's kids" and I believe this was do to the combination of too many years in childcare professions with very difficult situations and the fact that I am unable to get pregnant at this point in time.
The road to trying for biological children has been trying and emotional and has provoked me to ask a lot of questions; including "God, what are you doing? Why aren't you granting us children now when that's what I have felt my calling is ever since I was a little girl? What do You want me to do now, while I wait for my babies?"
Though it had to include a complete change of heart, (which God provided in full as I find myself completely thrilled and beyond excited browsing for bunk beds and kid stuff for future foster children,) I feel like God has answered these questions with the leading we feel to foster children.
In discussing this with Ryan we think it might be possible that we are struggling to have children right now because given our plan and our timing and our biological children, foster care never would have emerged from the "theoretical" position it was in when we first got married.
We don't know for sure but we do feel confident that at least being willing and ready and taking the first steps in becoming foster parents is what God is asking from us right now. What comes after is completely in God's hands, as is all of our life, including when we will get to have our biological babies.
This journey has definitely taught me a lot and continues to do so. I have learned and am constantly learning that God doesn't orchestrate life according to what I want but according to His will and purpose which the Bible says is 'perfect'. I am constantly reminded of my natural selfish, jealous, sinful nature and of God's gracious, loving, all-knowing will.
I know He's in charge and I know He loves Ryan and myself and knows what's best for us better than we do and some days that's all the comfort I need, but other days, even in the midst of my joy and excitement at the idea of having foster children for Christmas, I sink into the sorrow of longing for a pregnancy.
At my very core, I am simply human which means I have human emotions that range from ecstatic joy to deep sorrow and for whatever reason, God designed me that way and in the midst of either emotion I will cling to Him and the blessings He's given me in the comfort and encouragement of His word, and family. Both mine and Ryan's.
We are blessed.
And we are both extremely excited about our meeting with Starry this Wednesday! Starry works directly with the Texas Baptist Children's Home where I have enjoyed precious moments volunteering and working with the children there.
Here's to a new week, full of potential and possibilities. I am praying for amazingly huge things this week, not just for myself and Ryan but for my precious family members whom we love so much, that magnificent blessings would reign... And rain, this week! :)
Well, yet again it's been a good long while since I've blogged, but I figured my readers were few and probably already know what's going on with me anyway.
I'm not sure who all reads this, especially because I haven't updated in a long while, so I just figure I'm gonna document what God is doing in our lives. (myself and my sweet husband, Ryan)
So this is us, our journey as we seek to follow hard after Christ even when we don't understand His will or timing.
This is the honest me, true stories of life.
I guess what's on my mind most as write this is the current struggle/excitement in our lives and it's been going on for several months now but under wraps. And lately I have felt that I'd rather have more prayer than a private/exclusive part of life.
So here it is: This week we are meeting with Starry, a Children At Heart program for foster care. This is something Ryan and I have discussed on and off from the very first few months of our marriage. It went from theory to future to seeking God's will and timing, to scheduling an orientation meeting and filling out a 21 page application.
Now in recent months this has been more of a prayer walk and we believe that God has spoken to us through scripture and prayer that this is what He has for us right now. We don't even know if we will be accepted as foster parents but if we aren't we will know God just wanted us to act on His calling and be willing to serve where he leads. If we are accepted we will undergo 30 hours of training, several interviews and inspections and then be placed with our first foster children and we will be delighted! But I have to admit we haven't always felt that way and even now we are a little anxious about the possible future but know that God will equip us for what He has called us to.
In recent months I have been closed off to the idea of taking care of "other people's kids" and I believe this was do to the combination of too many years in childcare professions with very difficult situations and the fact that I am unable to get pregnant at this point in time.
The road to trying for biological children has been trying and emotional and has provoked me to ask a lot of questions; including "God, what are you doing? Why aren't you granting us children now when that's what I have felt my calling is ever since I was a little girl? What do You want me to do now, while I wait for my babies?"
Though it had to include a complete change of heart, (which God provided in full as I find myself completely thrilled and beyond excited browsing for bunk beds and kid stuff for future foster children,) I feel like God has answered these questions with the leading we feel to foster children.
In discussing this with Ryan we think it might be possible that we are struggling to have children right now because given our plan and our timing and our biological children, foster care never would have emerged from the "theoretical" position it was in when we first got married.
We don't know for sure but we do feel confident that at least being willing and ready and taking the first steps in becoming foster parents is what God is asking from us right now. What comes after is completely in God's hands, as is all of our life, including when we will get to have our biological babies.
This journey has definitely taught me a lot and continues to do so. I have learned and am constantly learning that God doesn't orchestrate life according to what I want but according to His will and purpose which the Bible says is 'perfect'. I am constantly reminded of my natural selfish, jealous, sinful nature and of God's gracious, loving, all-knowing will.
I know He's in charge and I know He loves Ryan and myself and knows what's best for us better than we do and some days that's all the comfort I need, but other days, even in the midst of my joy and excitement at the idea of having foster children for Christmas, I sink into the sorrow of longing for a pregnancy.
At my very core, I am simply human which means I have human emotions that range from ecstatic joy to deep sorrow and for whatever reason, God designed me that way and in the midst of either emotion I will cling to Him and the blessings He's given me in the comfort and encouragement of His word, and family. Both mine and Ryan's.
We are blessed.
And we are both extremely excited about our meeting with Starry this Wednesday! Starry works directly with the Texas Baptist Children's Home where I have enjoyed precious moments volunteering and working with the children there.
Here's to a new week, full of potential and possibilities. I am praying for amazingly huge things this week, not just for myself and Ryan but for my precious family members whom we love so much, that magnificent blessings would reign... And rain, this week! :)
Monday, April 18, 2011
Back To Blogging
Well, I stopped blogging here shortly after I got my official Photography website. But all I can blog there is photography stuff and that's not always what's on my mind, so I'm back. =)
Lately I have been wrestling with some good questions about where I am in life and have been challenged with the idea that I was made for such a time as this. Where I am in life, what I do day to day and the people I know; it's all a part of God's plan and I need to take the bull by the horns so to speak and run with it.
The little kids at our church sang the most adorable song this past Sunday and believe it or not, it really challenged me. I had to go look it up and I think it's worth sharing!
THE BUTTERFLY SONG
(If I Were a Butterfly)
Words and Music by Brian M. Howard
If I were a butterfly
I'd thank you Lord for giving me wings
If I were a robin in a tree
I'd thank you Lord that I could sing
If I were a fish in the sea
I'd wiggle my tail and I'd giggle with glee
But I just thank you Father for making me, me
CHORUS
For you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me, me
If I were an elephant
I'd thank you Lord by raising my trunk
If I were a kangaroo
You know I'd hop right up to you
If I were an octopus
I'd thank you Lord for my fine looks
But I just thank you Father for making me, me
If I were a wiggly worm
I'd thank you Lord that I could squirm
If I were a fuzzy, wuzzy bear
I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair
If I were a crocodile
I'd thank you Lord for my great smile
But I just thank you Father for
making me, me
Copyright © Mission Hills Music
www.ButterflySong.com
All rights reserved. (BMI)
International copyright secured.
Isn't that awesome!? I'm going to teach my kids this song one day. =)
It got me thinking about where I am in life in every single aspect, and to try and think about it all from the perspective of: God made me for such a time as this; where should I be spending my time? How might God use me and/or the talents HE gave me?
One of the things that has been brought to my attention over the past several months is my passion for singing and maybe songwriting is a part of it too.
It wasn't too long ago that my mom and I sat in my living room discussing the posibilities behind the reason God gave me a singing voice and how it might relate to church and worship music.
Several weeks ago a sweet lady at church named Penny turned to me after the service and said:
"I can always tell when you and Ryan are sitting behind us because you have such a pretty voice."
This was one of those perfectly timed, compliments that just made my morning. It got me thinking about music again and maybe where I should be involved in music.
Just yesterday after our church service, a man I did not recognize turned to me and said:
"You should be up there, you have a beautiful singing voice." I was taken off guard because a lot can happen in several weeks and I had already forgotten Penny's compliment.
This got me thinking, either I am singing way too loud during worship or God is using people in our church to talk to me. And as no one in my family growing up, or my husband has confronted me about over zealous singing, I'm wondering if I'm supposed to be involved in leading worship?
This is the hard part. See this is where time commitment comes in. And our church has TWO services and so I'd have to....
That brings me to another interesting challenge. Our sermon on Sunday was about Service in the eyes of God. He doesn't need us! He can do whatever He wants with whomever He wants. He uses us to help us. Yes we serve His kingdom for His purpose and in doing so we may minister to other people but what challenged me most about the Sermon was everywhere I might put a "Have to" the speaker put a "get to" We get to serve our God! And He blesses us and teaches us through serving Him.
I'm going back and foreth between youth group volunteer service and Worship Service. I'm not even sure the Worship ministry needs singers! And if they don't than, I'm not really sure what God wants me to do with that, we will wait and see.
And if there is a way to do both, maybe I'll do both. =)
I just love how God can take a difficult time in life and turn it into an exciting adventure of what might come next.
Thanks God, you rock!
Lately I have been wrestling with some good questions about where I am in life and have been challenged with the idea that I was made for such a time as this. Where I am in life, what I do day to day and the people I know; it's all a part of God's plan and I need to take the bull by the horns so to speak and run with it.
The little kids at our church sang the most adorable song this past Sunday and believe it or not, it really challenged me. I had to go look it up and I think it's worth sharing!
THE BUTTERFLY SONG
(If I Were a Butterfly)
Words and Music by Brian M. Howard
If I were a butterfly
I'd thank you Lord for giving me wings
If I were a robin in a tree
I'd thank you Lord that I could sing
If I were a fish in the sea
I'd wiggle my tail and I'd giggle with glee
But I just thank you Father for making me, me
CHORUS
For you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile
You gave me Jesus and you made me your child
And I just thank you Father for making me, me
If I were an elephant
I'd thank you Lord by raising my trunk
If I were a kangaroo
You know I'd hop right up to you
If I were an octopus
I'd thank you Lord for my fine looks
But I just thank you Father for making me, me
If I were a wiggly worm
I'd thank you Lord that I could squirm
If I were a fuzzy, wuzzy bear
I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair
If I were a crocodile
I'd thank you Lord for my great smile
But I just thank you Father for
making me, me
Copyright © Mission Hills Music
www.ButterflySong.com
All rights reserved. (BMI)
International copyright secured.
Isn't that awesome!? I'm going to teach my kids this song one day. =)
It got me thinking about where I am in life in every single aspect, and to try and think about it all from the perspective of: God made me for such a time as this; where should I be spending my time? How might God use me and/or the talents HE gave me?
One of the things that has been brought to my attention over the past several months is my passion for singing and maybe songwriting is a part of it too.
It wasn't too long ago that my mom and I sat in my living room discussing the posibilities behind the reason God gave me a singing voice and how it might relate to church and worship music.
Several weeks ago a sweet lady at church named Penny turned to me after the service and said:
"I can always tell when you and Ryan are sitting behind us because you have such a pretty voice."
This was one of those perfectly timed, compliments that just made my morning. It got me thinking about music again and maybe where I should be involved in music.
Just yesterday after our church service, a man I did not recognize turned to me and said:
"You should be up there, you have a beautiful singing voice." I was taken off guard because a lot can happen in several weeks and I had already forgotten Penny's compliment.
This got me thinking, either I am singing way too loud during worship or God is using people in our church to talk to me. And as no one in my family growing up, or my husband has confronted me about over zealous singing, I'm wondering if I'm supposed to be involved in leading worship?
This is the hard part. See this is where time commitment comes in. And our church has TWO services and so I'd have to....
That brings me to another interesting challenge. Our sermon on Sunday was about Service in the eyes of God. He doesn't need us! He can do whatever He wants with whomever He wants. He uses us to help us. Yes we serve His kingdom for His purpose and in doing so we may minister to other people but what challenged me most about the Sermon was everywhere I might put a "Have to" the speaker put a "get to" We get to serve our God! And He blesses us and teaches us through serving Him.
I'm going back and foreth between youth group volunteer service and Worship Service. I'm not even sure the Worship ministry needs singers! And if they don't than, I'm not really sure what God wants me to do with that, we will wait and see.
And if there is a way to do both, maybe I'll do both. =)
I just love how God can take a difficult time in life and turn it into an exciting adventure of what might come next.
Thanks God, you rock!
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