ADD Blog Style

I have a lot of things I think I want to blog about and they aren't really related, just all on my mind... Thus my title.

I am a person often battling my emotions, and this week my husband has looked me over several times and asked "what's wrong?" what my face must have been showing I can only guess but answering his ongoing question this week has been kind of difficult. I don't really know how to pinpoint what I feel or why when I seem overwhelmed. A coping strategy of mine is to keep busy and look all the way forward to the next big exciting thing in life, which tends to leave me lost in the present. Lost and confused.
I think some of the things that get me down lately are waiting impatiently for God's timing in several areas of life, an unsettling feeling of not having a specific kind of home/family I think my husband and I both need and long for. We have great families, but are still working on those forever friendships that start at the beginning of our own family.
I am unsatisfied with myself and yet seem too lazy and undisciplined to stick to a game plan long enough to make any real changes.
I think what it all comes down to is having a healthy, bright, image of what I want our life to look like and not really getting there... Yet.
But in recognizing how much of my emotional frustration is something I or we (my husband and I) have control over, I've decided to start making a list of goals to attain in an attempt to do my part in getting to that ideal image of life I'd like my family to have. We are on the right paths in a lot of ways.

Lately we have been really busy even in our "spare" time, and this is very normal for most people in America but I hate it! We are reading a really neat book together called "Weird" and so far it's really good. It talks about America's need to be busy to achieve success and how, if that's normal, let's be weird! I totally agree and I remember my parents working really hard when I was growing up to keep my family from being too busy and to spend most dinner times together at the table. This is something we have decided to adopt starting now, before kids, which tend to bring sports and all sorts of extra curricular activities into the mix. I mean, there is nothing wrong with soccer until it takes over your life, and all things in moderation right?
That's how I feel about it anyway

Another way I choose to be weird is my devotion to my husband/family and home.
I work right now but I don't enjoy it and I plan to be at home as soon as I possibly can. I never really wanted a career (gasp! I know,) I never got a college degree (a shame... Not!) and I do not consider that a loss AT ALL!!! My husband and I are firm in our conviction of our children getting me more than 3 hours in the evening (between pick up from daycare and bedtime)
I know this is not everyone's conviction and it's certainly not the norm but I refuse to let anyone belittle or talk down to me because of this calling I know God has given me! I do not need to have a college degree or successful business career to make a difference in the world or other people's lives!

While we are talking about being weird here is another way my husband and I will choose to be weird. We want to home school our children. We are not sure how long or exactly what curriculum we will use but we definitely want to make sure our children have a firm foundation of Christ to build their lives upon.
Now I have seen two ugly extreme opinions on this matter and I want to make quite clear that I stand with neither. One extreme is a very ignorant, closed minded way of thinking, that homeschooling is the only way, it is the way of life, and public schools are some sort of child prison.... Oh my gosh don't even get me started on cult like homeschoolers! That is certainly not our view and our children may end up in public schools when they are older and maybe want to be salt and light in the world! We will get there when we get there. The other side of this opinion that we obviously don't hold is that homeschooling is some type of neglect or sad excuse for education and socialization, while that can be true of lazy moms who try homeschooling halfheartedly, that was never true of my mom and will never be true of myself. My homeschool experience did not include lounging around in pjs reading books on the sofa. We had to be up by a specific time, dressed and ready to begin a very structured and scheduled day of school just like most other kids and props to my mom for doing so!
I may have somehow ended up on a soap box... I didn't even know that's what they looked like! .... I'll step down now...

Another thing I think about wanting my life to look like is Ryan and I being caring, compassionate, gentle, and loving. The process of becoming foster parents is really helping me think about my life as it would be viewed by a child, maybe a hurting child, lost, sad, and searching for answers. What would they take away from observing and interacting with me?
The more I think of this the more I let it and encourage it to shape mine and Ryan's life. Would we drive this way with foster children in the car? Would we say these words where little ears could hear? Would we use this tone or volume where a scared and insecure child might overhear? Would we take them to this place, allow them to hear this teaching? Everything now has a different context and it's challenging my pants off! ... In a good way! I am suddenly so aware of weaknesses and lack of discipline and I'm grateful to be seeing it now in preparation for big things rather than in the midst of them.
I've been thinking about our future foster adventures like shepherding because it is so prominent in the Bible, and because during a quiet time of mine while Ryan and I were still seeking God's direction as it related to foster care I believe He gave me this verse;
"Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. "(1 Peter 5:2-4 NIV)
The flock that will be under our care are children, and no matter how difficult or sweet they may be they are ours to shepherd while they are with us and the way we want to strive to do this is Biblically, with love and compassion and understanding what they have been through, being patient and sensitive quick to listen and slow to speak. Isn't that what true pastoring is about? Loving the flock, caring for them on their level of understanding, patiently helping them attain their needs.
This is SO important and close to my heart because I don't believe there are as many Christ Followers doing this in the world as their should be! And to be clear I'm not talking about foster care! I'm just talking about people in the world, saved or not. The Bible tells us that we will be (should be) known as Christians by our love! Not our judgment or free advice and opinions! Just love people! And keep your opinions under your tongue until 1.) you are asked for them and 2.) can give them with a pure and loving heart!
That's how I feel about that, anyway.
Woah where did this soap box come from?! ... Oops

Well, I guess I've gotten out what was on my mind and heart, I have some more scripture to read and an evening with my wonderful husband ahead of me!