Adjustments

I was thinking, just now, about how life contains millions of adjustments. From the beginning we learn to adjust and adapt. The first adjustment, life outside of mom (let's leave it at that!) babies cry a lot! But let's think about this, everything is louder, colder, harsher and generally more intense. Nourishment doesn't happen the same way, we have diapers and clothes to deal with and people messing with us constantly. Poor babies!
But, one of the more pleasant adjustments is physical touch. I have often seen sleeping babies in the arms of someone who loves them and they tend to reach their tiny hand out and rest it gently on the chest/collarbone area somewhere near the heart. What an amazing natural instinct!

So in thinking about adjustments I have come to realize that there is a rather large list of adjustments I am really not enjoying or am not looking forward to. So bare with me while the "Waaahh-ambulance" drives up for a few minutes:

My Job which tends to entail...
Mean people
Constant management and coworker changes
Everyone (including coworkers who have no authority over me) telling me what to do what not to do and precisely how to do it.
Waking up at the 3, 4, and 5 o'clock hours in the morning
Raging headaches that come from lack of sleep and constant caffeine adjustments
Feeling exhausted pretty much all the time

Financial adjustments which are a really good and healthy for us but not necessarily easy
This means always knowing where all of our money is, coming, and going
It means not ever spending money on anything that doesn't have a specific place in our budget
Which means several budget meetings a week and lots of math.

Family adjustments:
Ryan and I being stressed out more often and constantly than normal
On the search for a church home (again/still)
Not having a real great support group in the form of close friends yet
Holidays are still an adjustment going back and forth between each others families
This years holidays are going to be a huge adjustment and I was shocked to realize last night, I'm not as prepared for it as I thought I was.
I'm praying we will have little foster babies at Christmas but weather we do or not, there is a good possibility we will have a new little niece, and a very pregnant sister.
I hope I am not misunderstood here, I carry no resentment or bitterness over these happy little bundles of joy, just sadness, confusion and a little jealousy. It's hard to imagine us with foster kids in that situation because being a visual thinker, I have nothing to base it on. And my hope is that if we are placed by Christmas, the way I feel not about the situation will not be the way I feel then.

This last adjustment is probably my greatest struggle at the moment, and I think I may have just tried to push it away by being so focused on where I am not and getting all of our foster care paperwork and tasks in order. But unfortunately all that has done is put off the confrontation I must have with my feelings.
Now to be honest I have always struggled with where my true worth comes from. Not consciously but without realizing that's what it was. I grew up in a loving Christian home so I know my worth is in Christ, but to steal a phrase from my Mom "What does that look like in my kitchen?"
What I have been struggling with lately is why a seemingly healthy 22 year old girl who happens to be 1 of 6 children cannot have a baby. And there are days where it doesn't matter and I know God is in charge and everything is ok, but then there are days that my situation seems to strip me of all femininity, value, beauty and worth. The greatest difference in Ryans and mine roles in our home just diminished. I know in my head that it's silly but my feelings and emotions don't always grasp that. The one thing God gave only to women and not men, I don't seem to have. That makes me feel ugly to my very core.
But I started to think recently, if I can't have this specific kind of feminine beauty I should be really pretty, and in a haunting way, the mirror laughed at me. I'm not that either. In the past two years I have gained almost 30 pounds and currently weigh more than I ever have. My Dr told me my weight was not the cause of our fertility issues and that I apparently wasn't as overweight as I insist I am.
What does she know? If I can't be pregnant I should not be fat!
And in thinking about it I think I got this way because of poor adjustment!
Stress, lack of sleep, bad eating habits, medications to adjust my body, and then lack of those medications quite suddenly, marriage changes a lot too, apparently most women gain weight when they get married...

Anyway, enough with the pity party I'm sending the "Waaah-ambulance" away now.
Here are the adjustments I am looking forward to, the Pro list if you will:

A regular work out routine
More time to spend on planning and cooking healthy food
Not having a job
Being placed with our first foster babies
Getting more organized
Keeping a cleaner more organized home (I'm halfway there)
Teaching preschool
Becoming a cheerleader for our foster kids
Turning myself into more of a planner
Writing more consistently.
Being pregnant (whenever that happens)
Trusting God without as much anxiety (that's gonna take some work)

There are Pros to every Cons list, sometimes it just takes writing it down to see it.