Honestly Me

Well, yet again it's been a good long while since I've blogged, but I figured my readers were few and probably already know what's going on with me anyway.
   I'm not sure who all reads this, especially because I haven't updated in a long while, so I just figure I'm gonna document what God is doing in our lives. (myself and my sweet husband, Ryan) 
So this is us, our journey as we seek to follow hard after Christ even when we don't understand His will or timing.
This is the honest me, true stories of life.

I guess what's on my mind most as write this is the current struggle/excitement in our lives and it's been going on for several months now but under wraps. And lately I have felt that I'd rather have more prayer than a private/exclusive part of life.

So here it is: This week we are meeting with Starry, a Children At Heart program for foster care. This is something Ryan and I have discussed on and off from the very first few months of our marriage. It went from theory to future to seeking God's will and timing, to scheduling an orientation meeting and filling out a 21 page application.
Now in recent months this has been more of a prayer walk and we believe that God has spoken to us through scripture and prayer that this is what He has for us right now. We don't even know if we will be accepted as foster parents but if we aren't we will know God just wanted us to act on His calling and be willing to serve where he leads. If we are accepted we will undergo 30 hours of training, several interviews and inspections and then be placed with our first foster children and we will be delighted! But I have to admit we haven't always felt that way and even now we are a little anxious about the possible future but know that God will equip us for what He has called us to.
In recent months I have been closed off to the idea of taking care of "other people's kids" and I believe this was do to the combination of too many years in childcare professions with very difficult situations and the fact that I am unable to get pregnant at this point in time.
The road to trying for biological children has been trying and emotional and has provoked me to ask a lot of questions; including "God, what are you doing? Why aren't you granting us children now when that's what I have felt my calling is ever since I was a little girl? What do You want me to do now, while I wait for my babies?"
Though it had to include a complete change of heart, (which God provided in full as I find myself completely thrilled and beyond excited browsing for bunk beds and kid stuff for future foster children,) I feel like God has answered these questions with the leading we feel to foster children.
In discussing this with Ryan we think it might be possible that we are struggling to have children right now because given our plan and our timing and our biological children, foster care never would have emerged from the "theoretical" position it was in when we first got married.
We don't know for sure but we do feel confident that at least being willing and ready and taking the first steps in becoming foster parents is what God is asking from us right now. What comes after is completely in God's hands, as is all of our life, including when we will get to have our biological babies.
This journey has definitely taught me a lot and continues to do so. I have learned and am constantly learning that God doesn't orchestrate life according to what I want but according to His will and purpose which the Bible says is 'perfect'. I am constantly reminded of my natural selfish, jealous, sinful nature and of God's gracious, loving, all-knowing will. 
I know He's in charge and I know He loves Ryan and myself and knows what's best for us better than we do and some days that's all the comfort I need, but other days, even in the midst of my joy and excitement at the idea of having foster children for Christmas, I sink into the sorrow of longing for a pregnancy.
At my very core, I am simply human which means I have human emotions that range from ecstatic joy to deep sorrow and for whatever reason, God designed me that way and in the midst of either emotion I will cling to Him and the blessings He's given me in the comfort and encouragement of His word, and family. Both mine and Ryan's.
We are blessed.

And we are both extremely excited about our meeting with Starry this Wednesday! Starry works directly with the Texas Baptist Children's Home where I have enjoyed precious moments volunteering and working with the children there.

Here's to a new week, full of potential and possibilities. I am praying for amazingly huge things this week, not just for myself and Ryan but for my precious family members whom we love so much, that magnificent blessings would reign... And rain, this week!  :)