God Speaks... Again

God- What are you doing?

Me- working on my lap top.

God- Working? Is that what you call what you're doing?

Me- ....

God- You didn't read my word yesterday. You haven't read today, you've spoken to me some this week but haven't really listened. You have homework to get done and you know you could be more productive than you choose to be.

Me- I cleaned my room today! Really well!

God- It should be clean like this more often. Do you not take pride in what I've given you? You are still learning and are getting better, I see good change in you but you can't stop now. I have many more plans for you. Time management is not a skill you have mastered yet. We need to work on that.

Me- I know...

God- Why are you struggling so much? You are distant and then convicted and remorseful but still seem to keep me at arm's length.

Me-...

God- You are not angry anymore.

Me- No...

God- Do you choose not to come to me with your troubles? You know seeking comfort elsewhere is dangerous and has led you into darkness. You don't want to be in that place again. I know what's troubling you. I know why you won't draw near to me but I want you to acknowledge it yourself, I want you to come to me.

Me- I'm scared

God- Yes, you are human and won't comprehend many things but I have always provided for you. Why are you scared now?

Me- I thought I was ready for all this but now I'm not so sure.

God- I will not take you where I have not prepared you to go.

Me- I don't like this.

God- ....

Me- Did you hear me? I DON'T LIKE THIS! I don't like that things always seem to get flipped upside down when I finally know what's going on and what I'm doing. I don't like not knowing what's gonna happen next week or next year. I don't like the vulnerability of having to trust so much. To trust you, to trust him, to trust my family, ... I DON'T LIKE NOT BEING IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING!

God- I know.

Me- Well...

God- That's not your job. Being in control is not for any human. It's for me, no one can do it better. Never once has anything been outside of my hands or my will, and never shall it be.

Me- I still don't like this. I'm still confused, and anxious.

God- I love you.

Me- What?

God- I love you. I died for you, I've experienced every difficult thing you've ever been through and ever will go through. I know how you feel, I know what it's like, and I love you, so much so that I paid for all of your sin and filthiness. I love you so much I endured more than you can possibly understand that day I died on a cross for you. Child, I love you.

Me- *sigh* I trust you.

One of My Many Blessings.... =)

A Summary of the Weekend of Jan 23-25

Me= Finishing up answering job ads, and working on school work.

God - Are you prioritizing like you should?

Me - Yes. I'm being a good student and am trying to be proactive about my job situation.

God - That's not what I meant. Where are you in your studies of my word? When was our last talk and what were you speaking of?

Me - ....
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My Family - We are looking into selling the house and scaling down to make this financial situation work. Be praying with us.

Me - Okay, whatever is best for the family.
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My Family and Close Friends - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIFFANY!

Me - Thank you! (There's something eerie about this celebration to me... it feels like a bad omen...)

Dinner with the Fam and Ryan, Ping-Pong tournaments, thoughtful and very nice gifts, and a good time had by all.
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Ryan - Happy Birthday Babe. (Presenting me with a gift.)

Me - (Smiling almost beyond human capability.) Thank you! (It was a freaking camera!)

Ice-skating and lunch followed by a long and pleasant walk where good conversation was had, joking around took place and a special message now lays carved in a specific place at a certain neighborhood park.
Back to the house where stress is perceived, an attempt at ping-pong is made...

Ryan - You are so tense Babe, what's wrong?

Me - I'm just really stressed out. I don't have a job, I'm worried about school, anxious on so many levels for my family, and confused about my career.

Ryan - (Giving me a hug.) Let's pray about this. You need to let it go and give it to God.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear...

An amazing sermon was played on the radio in Ryan's truck on the way to our evening church service. What was it about? Worry and anxiety and not allowing ourselves to be weighed down by such things. Ryan reiterated his earlier point.
Church service was about Jacob and Esau and how even though both sides of the family schemed on their own behalves and outside of what God had told them, He turned it around so that it still happened just as He planned.
The service was playing on Romans 8:28 "God works all things together to those that love Him"

After Ryan and I said goodnight I spent some time alone, .. thinking. ... which was soon interrupted...

Me - I hate uncertainty... I hate not being able to do anything about what's going on... I hate that my family is so stressed out... I wish I had a job, I wish I were smarter... better in school.

God - Why are you so angry?

Me - I'm not!

God - Your negativity speaks otherwise. You "hate" you "wish" you seem very dissatisfied with what I've given you.

Me - But God, this is getting ridiculous. I don't understand what you're doing and I'm tired of people telling me it's gonna be okay. What if it's not!? It seems to be in your will to allow very difficult things to happen to your children. Besides that... my family has already been through a lot. Isn't there a quota or something? Cause I'm pretty sure we already met that.

God - Oh Ye of little faith.

Me - Hey!

God - Do you not realize that you are straying from me because of your anger? You don't trust me and therefore are allowing earthly things like school and work to distract you from me. Our relationship has been cold this past week because you do not like what you perceive to be my plans for you and your family, but you have failed to see all the many blessings I have gifted you with. I've been speaking to you but you've ignored me.

Me - ....
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Me - Ryan, I am such an idiot. I've been missing God this past week, I don't have enough faith and I'm completely stressed because I hate not having control over all these crazy situations in my life right now, and I know I shouldn't..

Ryan - Whoa, Tiffany, slow down. What's going on?

(I explained)

Ryan - There's not a whole lot I can tell you that you don't already know. You need to be in your word and spend time really praying to God. Relationships don't thrive without time and effort... You know, God is evident in your family. I can see it, many other people at church have seen it, and He's brought you through some really tough times. You know He's not gonna leave your family out to dry.

Me - I know, but I know that so often it seems like it's in His plan to let bad things happen, and besides that, there's still so much that hasn't settled, so much uncertainty that-

Ryan - That you have no control over. Babe, you know that God's plans, despite what they may entail are better than what we can come up with, and you know that we are to have faith in God and are even instructed to ask for what we are lacking, seek and we will find. I know you know these things, you just need to remember and acknowledge them... And, Tiffany, do you realize when you try to fix things on your own or when you dwell on the fact that there is uncertainty that you hate or things outside of your control that you're trying to take that control from God? I know you have gone through a lot to be able to lay down that control, you need to let it go again. We should be glad we're not in control, God does it better.
I'm not saying these things to hurt you or to condemn you in any way, I don't want you to beat yourself up over this, I say these things because I love you.
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Nothing else really stuck out.

To wrap it up...

Life is unpredictable and sometimes difficult, entailing a lot of changes and stress and even uncertainty and things outside our control....BUT... God is bigger, He knows what He's doing and is going to work all things together for the good.

I am errant. Full of mistakes and immaturity. I don't have as much faith as I feel I should, and I'm still learning about my weaknesses and tendencies....BUT...God is in control and will help me grow as His daughter and work out all the details.

I have one hell of a family and an amazing boyfriend. God has blessed me with so many things that are above and beyond what I ever could have dreamed for myself...AND...it is well with my soul.

Dear God, .....

Dear God,

I know you know more than me, you know better than I do. I know you've got plans that I don't really understand, but... Well... Are you sure this is the best way to go about things? I mean, I know you know what you're doing but... have you taken a look around? A good loot at me?
See, I try really hard to keep up with my prayer and Bible reading, and I feel like I've done pretty well. I've even been working REALLY hard to keep my attitude in check. But I think I should remind you of something...
I'm NOT like your servant, Job. And now I haven't lost my family, sheep, and servants... but I'm having a hard enough time not freaking out already!
Lord, I know this is all for a VERY good reason, but you know that I really don't do well under a lot of stress and preassure, especially when so much of life is up in the air and I have no control over it!
Now, I know... it's not my job to have control... but it does seem to be a difficult thing for me to grasp.
I know you've blessed me, and I'm trying to remember all of those blessings, but as my problems and anxiety get bigger and seem to take over my life that's getting harder to do.
I should be getting ready for work, studying, reading, job searching, etc. I know I should be proactive but you seem so quiet lately and I know you see this anxiety in me. Can't you give me SOMETHING? Anything really... just let me know a job is coming, for me AND my dad, let me know I'll pass these classes, or let me in on part of that big plan you have for my life!
I guess, you reallly do know better, you're in control, and I've just got to do my best to let go and let you do your job... but I'll tell you one thing... This is no fun!

Sincerely,
Your Stresss Ball of a Kidult...
Me

What Is Love?

I already know the Sunday School answer is found in 1 Corinthians 13...
"Love is patient, love is kind..."
Thanks, but that's not what I mean today.

Define love. Not love like how you love your mother, brother, sister, and father... love like... how you love your spouse, you significant other, or soon-to-be.
Tell me about that love.

My initial thought is that love is scary, (at first anyway) because new love is a risk. And when it creeps up on you it sort of makes you wanna freak out and scream "What the He...ck!?" ... but in a good way.
I guess the scary thing is... do they love you back? If no one's dropped the L-bomb(...and it may be too early to say such things at this point...) there's not a real easy way to know. And if they do happen to love you back, there's still a chance that your heart could break.... again.
Not that we don't have trustworthy people in our lives, but still... and here's a question... would love be as amazing as it is without some sort of risk?

So far, what I think love is from observation, a personal relationship, and human feelings and emotions, is as follows:

Love puts them before you.
You become more interested in their music, their interests, their birthday, and what you can do to make them smile than your own.

Love is thanking God for them every night after recounting the ways that you feel blessed just by knowing them.

Love is service without expectation.

Love is expression, emotion, affection.

Love is difficult conversations and hurtful things that are waded through together to achieve a positive and God honoring result.

Love is a constant learning process.

Love is laughter, play, fun, exciting.

Love is discovoring God's will between two people who are quickly falling for each other and trusting that God knows better, and has the perfect timeing for everything.

Love is letting go, learning not to try so hard, really getting to know, and completely trust a person.

These individual things don't describe love by themselves, but I think together it can be what love is... But what do I know? Maybe some, maybe more than I think I do...
What is love to you? Seriously! Give me some fruit here... just a few good definitions that describe love in your life.

Walking With Christ (He knows pretty much EVERYTHING!)

"...But His strength is sufficient and courage shines bright,
I'm assured because I know, He is the water of life..."
- From the song 'Water'

I went on a jog this morning with my ipod. I enjoy getting some exercise outside where I can see God's creation with music that proclaims the truth.
In my time this morning I felt an unusual reassurance. I feel as though God was telling me: "Look at all that you have, see all these gifts and blessings I have granted to you? Do not forget all that you have, no matter what life brings you, ALWAYS remember my love, and MY plans to prosper you for MY name's sake."
I smiled as I enjoyed my morning with God. (There's something really neat about spending some of your personal walk with Christ on an actual walk.)
When I got home I grabbed a towel and started to decide what to wear to my first day at my new nanny job. Before I got in the shower I sat down at my computer to check my e-mail, and there it was: My "Dear Tiffany Letter" ('Cause, you know, my name's not John.)
Unfortunately my boss had sent me an e-mail that relieved me of the duties I was getting ready to take on. Her husband was laid off and now not only can they not afford me, but they don't need me because he will be home to care for their daughter.
My first reaction was to respond to the concern and remorse that drenched the e-mail I received. Because I had just gotten the e-mail it didn't quite set in that I had budgeted around that first paycheck that I now won't be getting.
I was able to share the love of Christ with this woman and reassure her that I understood her situation, would be praying for their family and have confidence that my God will provide for us both.
I think it was in telling my parents about my news that it really set in. We prayed and I began my search for a new job. Writing this blog now, I have already contacted 4 possible job opportunities, and while there was the initial freak out and the temptation to succumb to anxiety and extreme stress, I couldn't get out of my mind what I felt God speak to me this morning.
See, God's this all powerful, all knowing guy, and I'm sure that our time this morning was in preparation for the rest of today.

God is Jehovah Jireh, the Great Provider, and in that, I place my hope, and by that, I am reassured that all will work together in His plan, and in His timing to the good of all and to glorify Him.

The economy is not in good shape right now, people are losing their jobs left and right, or dealing with pay cuts, shut downs, etc. The world is a scary place, but how much bigger does that make our almighty Father?

My prayer is for those in similar positions as myself, and in much worse, those who have family to support, for the many people all over the place who are going through difficult times, that we would look to Christ, put our faith in Him and remember that He is in control.

Be thankful for what work you have(talking to myself here too) never forget or belittle what God has blessed us with. We have so much that I'm sure we don't deserve and I can't help but think, what an awesome God we have!
Thanks you Jesus! (<- That may have been corny but it's true and heartfelt)

Have a marvelous week and a happy Monday!

Growing Pains

I've come to the point in my life where I've realized there is no typical growing up.
Everyone is different, and God grows His children in so many different ways.
The hard part is when you go through a growth spurt and some things in your life seem to change all of a sudden.

Let me get real basic in this blog:

I excepted Christ when I was about 7 or 8. I don't remember a whole lot of that experience but I understood that I was a bad kid. I got spankings everyday and I tried to be good, I wanted to please my parents, and out of frustration I came to the conclusion that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't be good.
My parents taught me that I couldn't be good without Jesus in my heart, and when I understood what being a Christian meant, I accepted Christ as my savior.
But growing up is never easy and never painless. Just like growing physically, growing spiritually, and personally has these dramatic spurts that cause a person pain.
I went through a lot of difficult things; Some I had no control over, and some that were self inflicted, but through that, God has helped me grow dramatically.

I believe that God places people in our lives for a purpose, and that everything happens for a reason, or at least that "God works all things together for the good of those that love Him" (Romans 8:28)
Sometimes we need the people God has given us in different ways, at specific times, but often times if we ground relationships in something that is temporary, we lose our footing when things change.

I have some friends that were very encouraging and helpful to be when my life was... well, basically a living hell. Now granted, I caused much of my own affliction, but still these friends were important to my life. Well, without realizing it the relationship we had ended up being focused and grounded in my miserable train wreck of existence, and their desire to help, and encourage me.
Now, by the grace of God and nothing short of a miracle, I am a completely different person and in a totally different place in life! I'm happy, healthy, completely engulfed in the love I have for my family, surrounded by their love, and walking daily with my precious savior, in the assurance that I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time.

Well, that's a completely different picture from before. And along with that change of scenery, there's this new relationship in my life. I'll be honest it's not your typical romance.... IT'S SO MUCH BETTER!
We aren't following the world's depiction of relationships and dating.
After this man has been in our church and in our home for small group for about a year and a half, he went to my dad and asked to pursue a courtship. My dad gave his blessing and this man came to me. Fast-Forward about 3 weeks and we are both amazed and beyond blessed at what God has shown and given us. Our relationship has stayed Christ centered, our goal is to Glorify God, and we both have the desire to be in this relationship for the purpose of knowing if we are for each other in the covenant of marriage.
This whole thing seems a lofty concept for some to grasp, but not for me. I have been shown the amazing power of Christ first hand and I know in my heart that God is bigger than dating, he's bigger than time, mistakes, failures, and fairy tales.

I'm sad that these friends can't see this, that they don't really know how to be my friend in good times, that they can't be happy for me and trust that I am in God's will and in His hands.
My relationship with these friends is changing, in some aspects completely ending, in others, simply reevaluating and changing our foundation.
It's painful to have to grow so much faster than my friends, to realize that God's so much bigger than me, so much bigger than young adult "logic" while these friends seem to be drowning in their frustration with me, and "concern" in where my life is headed.

Despite these uncomfortable growing pains, I remain confident in Christ. I know I am in a good place, and even if my heart aches with the possible end of this relationship, I will stand strong with a smile on my face being so grateful for where God has placed me.
I'm so blessed to have such a family, such a God, and such a man!

Today's Bible reading is in Job, I felt like that was God's humorous way of saying: "Tiffany, buck up, smile, and be grateful for the many blessings I've given you, you have nothing to grieve over, not like my servant Job. Stand strong." At least... that's what I heard :o)

I'm still VERY happy and know I don't deserve what God has given me. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Jeremiah tells me "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you."
I'm good, all is well, and God is in control. (Good thing, cause I've learned that I totally and completely SUCK at controlling my life. LOL)

How to Keep From Embarrassing the Heck out of Yourself in a New Relationship...

Step 1: Realize, and accept the fact that this task is virtually impossible. The only thing you can do is lessen your embarrassment by being aware of a few things and learning to laugh at yourself.

step 2: Learn to take everything with a grain of salt and gain insight from embarrassing moments to keep from putting yourself in similar situations a second time.

Now, let's look at scenarios....

Your relationship begins with your "establishment date" the simple coffee date where he states his intentions and you establish the relationship.
He will most likely tell you why he wants to pursue you and he may have one of the best reasons with some of the most amazing little pieces of what becomes the story of you, and what he thinks of you and you're soon-to-be relationship.
WARNING: This kind of story tends to have a shock factor and will often times catch you off guard. Don't let it get the best of you or you'll respond with a pretty ridiculous word.
Good Response: (smile) "I think that's one of the best ways a relationship can begin. I'm very excited."
Bad Response(Embarrassment level 5): (With an unreadable facial expression and after an uncomfortably long pause.) "That's Fascinating!"

Scenario #2

You've gone out a few times and have seen each other often enough that you know hold hands when walking an sitting. The relationship is moving at a comfortable speed and things seem to be going well. What is a more typical date than a movie?
Let's say you decide to see a movie neither of you knows much about...(WARNING: VERY BAD IDEA!) You find your seats and the movie begins. 15 minutes in the main character gets himself into a potentially VERY INAPPROPRIATE position. Your date offers you an escape by saying there's no pressure to stay.
Good Response: "Okay, let's go," (Smiling pleasantly to relieve disappointment in the movie.)
BAD Response: (Being naive Embarrassment Level 9) "It's okay, He won't really do anything .... "(Shock at movie scene::: This is where the date cuts in saying that the movie is stupid and you can both leave.) DON'T BE NAIVE MOVIES CAN ALWAYS BE HORRIBLE!

Scenario #3

House dates are a great idea. Your new significant other gets a chance to interact with your family and feel comfortable in your home. A great way to have fun with both your date and your family is to play a game.
Phase 10 is a card game best played in a group. Before playing games like this, think through game terms and make sure you think before you speak in EVERY possible circumstance!
In phase 10 you have to create a sequence of cards to reach your proper phase. A straight (Numbers in counting order) is called a run.
A certain number of the same card is referred to as a set.
When trying to figure out where everyone is in the game, and what phase you're all on, avoid any accidental play on words.
EXAMPLE-
Good Question: "Is everyone passed Phase 5?"
BAD Question(Embarrassment level 10): "We all have the runs right?"

If you happen to fail and say all the wrong things, you still have a chance to redeem yourself if you're in a relationship with a good person.
And if anything you can use the excuse that you were "Getting a feel for how he would respond to different things." :o) It may not be true but you do learn a lot about a person when you embarrass yourself.

Lucky for me, I have one of the most incredible gentlemen God placed on this earth. LOL