Am I Impatient, or just a dreamer? =)

So lately one of the things that occupies my mind more frequently is the thought of being a mom and putting together a house.
This is something my husband and I talk about frequently and my sister and I send pictures and thoughts about via e-mail fairly often. LOL
Maybe it's just that time in a girl's life. =)
BUT since we're talking about it!... let me share!

One of the things that is the most difficult to find is a good solid boy's baby room. I'm SO not into the stupid baby sports or animal themes. I want something modern and soothing and I think I have found it! (BTW Beth, Ryan didn't like the Pirates either because they're a symbol of evil and he doesn't want anything like that associated with our future son. LOL, I get it but its just funny he and G or so similar.)

Okay so my lovely artistic mom (Who will be known as Gigi) is going to paint something similar to this on the wall


I don't like the blue in that room just the idea of the tree on the wall and I like the tan background and the darker brown of the tree.
I'm thinking something LIKE this for the bedding:


And I like the darker wood sleigh style cribs. Something like this:


I also like to dream about our lovely (and at this point non-existant) 4 bedroom house in Leander. =) I enjoy looking at listings and getting an idea of what I like.

So that's a lot of what's been on my mind. That and trying to live a healthier life and lose the ten or so pounds I've gained since marriage. LOL. That's a constant battle. Anyway, that's all for now.
Drop me a comment!

Random Thoughts and Catching Up

Facebook: This is getting more and more frustrating. I wanted to start over, delete my account and begin again with my new e-mail address keeping in touch only with the people I actually see on a fairly regular basis. But Facebook won't let me!!! It keeps telling me that there is something I'm the only owner to that I need to delete before closing my account. What the heck are you talking about! (So dumb!)

Schlitterbahn: Awesomeness! However, I'm not as young as I once was and just don't bounce back like I used to. LOL (Talk about tired Tuesday.)

My Husband: I am so in love with him!!! I'm still very blessed at how he dealt with my job situation. Thinking you have a job just to be turned down for the fourth time in a row was just too devastating. So what does he do? "Baby let's look at our budget, run the numbers and see if we can't get you out childcare." And we did. I was able to leave my job and don't plan on getting another one in Childcare ever again. I want to be a Mom, and taking care of other people's kids after 6 years or so is just too much for me!

Our New Car: I STILL love this awesome thing. I LOVE that i don't have to dig for my keys anymore. Love the gas savings, and LOVE the safety ratings it has for when we put babies in the back seat. (No this isn't happening anytime too soon but we like to think ahead.)

Our New Church: Getting involved in the Children's Worship ministry with my Husband has been a lot of fun... and if I end up getting paid for it, that would be AWESOME!!! I also might get a paid internship with our church this summer which would also be AWESOME!!!

The Near Future: I am always nervous when I think about this September and Ryan's Union Interview. I pray every night that God will start Him as a 3rd year instead of a first. It is probably my biggest prayer request right now.
See if Ryan starts as a 3rd year he will get at least a 3 dollar raise as well as other benefits and have 2 years less school to accomplish!!! This would mean us getting into a house and starting a family sooner than if he starts at the beginning.

I'm also already looking forward to the Holiday season. This year will be fabulous and I love family holidays.

That's all for now, I need to go make spaghetti for my hubby!

Waxing.... (There's shouldn't be STUBBLE!)

Okay so I am just DAYS away from my wedding and so today was my special salon day. And because I will be going to Costa Rica after my wedding I thought a leg wax was in order. I pictured my legs beautifully smooth and perfect.
I sat through an hour of waxing and payed about 75 dollars and what do I get? NOT SMOOTH legs! I feel STUBBLE!!! If I wanted stubble I would have shaved! I put myself through a month of hairiness (GROSS!) so that my hair was long enough to pull out of my skin! When you pull hair out there should be no stubble! When you shave that's understandable but I was gross and hairy for a whole MONTH, spend 70 bucks and an hour for this procedure just to leave and stroke my legs and find out... "WHAT THE HECK THERE'S STUBBLE!" I just don't understand! How do you rip hair out and leave stubble! Is this normal? Will it go away tomorrow? Is it maybe just a skin thing that relaxes after a day? It better be because this is RIDICULOUS! If I spent all that time with yucky hair, money, and patience for a wax and STILL have to shave I'm gonna be a pretty ticked off bride.
How DARE they leave STUBBLE!
Really? I want my celebrity legs!!!
=(
Yes that's a sad face over leg hair... maybe it's juvenile but it's my wedding and I'll pout over leg hair if I want to!
=(

Crushed Under Clutter/Spilling the Speghetti

Ever get to the point in life where you are so overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions, goals, to do's, etc that you almost just can't even function?

I feel that way right now.
In an attempt to share each other's convictions/passions and get more involved in the church my fiance and I committed to WAY to many things.
Though some of them are temporary they are equally if not more draining than the long term service commitments.
We are:
Doing upward pictures,
Serving in AWANA's
taking a life institute class
taking a financial peace class
serving in the choir
and are already currently a part of a small group.
What the heck were we thinking?
On top of that we both have jobs that can be fairly unpredictable, families who are going through difficult times on both sides, and premarital counseling and wedding planning.
Each one of these things requires time, thought, emotion, and spiritual attention. This passed week I have felt convicted ... or rather attacked.
I feel as though every time I take a step I'n being yelled at or beaten up in a spiritual manner. (I know this sounds very charismatic, lion roaring mystical Christan-like but I'm simply referring to spiritual warfare.)
I feel spiritually attacked and reminded of sin, past present and future. I feel pressed and hurt and filthy, alone in the midst of people who love me, and unloveable even around the person who's about to take me as his wife.
This is that ever dreaded place in life where your head tells you what it knows to be true but your heart denies it because of those pesky things humans have called feelings.
This is where we're supposed to tell satan to shove off, stand our ground, and look to Christ. Where the waters rage, the seas roar and hope and light seem to have disappeared although we know better than to trust what we feel.
This is one of those places in life that just... really stinks.
Questions arise that shake the foundation. Am I really saved? How do I know? Why do I feel this way? Am I where I should be? What do I change? Where is God?
Life is so messy, emotions are so fragile, and people are so errant.
What would the world be like without a God who sent a perfect ransom for our sins?
I don't even dare to imagine.

Wisdom

Proverbs says wisdom begins with understanding, but where does understanding begin? James says that if we ask for wisdom we will recieve it.
How do you know if you have it? I guess if you don't know you don't have it, or maybe if you think you're wise you really aren't?
I don't know.
All I know is that I need wisdom and I need direction from God.
What do I do? I ask on a regular basis, seek it in the Bible, but don't feel as though I have any answers yet.
I guess waiting on the Lord is where Patience begins.

Dear God,

I don't think anyone reads this anymore. Not that I can blame them, I wouldn't.
Lord, I don't even know where to begin.
Often times when I pray, I pray the same basic prayer. I thank you for the blessings you've given me, I ask for your blessings, I ask that you'd get George over here, give Justin a new and amazing job, I ask for your rest anf relief over my parents, I ask for your grace and wisdom and understanding in my relationships, and other little requests as I am aware of them.
Sometimes I pray just because I know I need to, or because I'm PLANNING on reading your word and feel like I should pray before opening it. Lately I don't ever get to that part. I don't want to read. I want to be like Jesus but I don't want to read your scriptures, the "how to" book for my goals.
I started thinking about this more... Why don't I want to read? I want to WANT to read... Because, I get so sick and tired of just being patient and trying to do everything right! I'm not hearing you! Where are you?
I'm so angry! I know you love your children and I know you have plans for us and are above all things. I don't care if we are chosen or free, if bad things happen because of sin or because of your greater plan, it doesn't matter, you're "sovereign" and I don't even always know what that means but I know there is nothing outside of your power! So why? Why do I feel as though you aren't listening? I know you're there. I know you're watching my brother cling to what he knows is true and look to you as he struggles with the frustrations of his job and the lack of change in his career. He's not he only one praying, we're lifting him up to you so why don't you do something? I know you see my sister's agony, I know you see her heart and our pain for her suituation, I know you are hearing the hundreds of prayers that people are praying just to get George here and make her feel whole again. I know you watch my mom tearfully read out loud her words to my dad wishing she could do something. I know you see my parents pray and read your word everyday. Asking for your guidance and wisdom, and I know you see me struggling to know where I'm supposed to be at any given moment as it relates to one person or another.
Why aren't you doing anything God? What the hell?! I don't feel like this on a regular basis but things are crazy. I feel so lonely. Am I really always doing something wrong or is that Satan trying to hit me while I'm down? Am I really a rock of offense to everyone? Or is that I lie that is beginning to feel like the truth?
Lord I am crying out to you in all honesty, no "this is how I should pray" no thought to specific words or how they might be taken.
You know my heart. You know my desires and I know you understand our human emotions and the self control we struggle to have over them.
I just don't understand.
Maybe it's a bad week. Maybe I'm just naive, or maybe I really am just an idiot and need to figure out how to get my act together, If that's the case I really need your help.
God I don't want to feel so seperated anymore. I don't want to feel like I only add hurt or dissapointment to people's lives. That's not in keeping with your son's example of life.
Father I am so sick of this! I just want to be done! I can't say the right thing, do the right thing, be there at the right time, ...
I don't even know what I'm doing on a day to day basis.
I wish I could fix everything for everyone. I wish I could be the exact opposite of what it feels like I am.
I don't want to be the one they put up with or only see every now and then. I don't want to be ... God do you hear me?
You know my heart.
Help me not to be angry, or bitter.
Give me ears to hear and eyes to see, a heart like yours and a mind to recieve.
Give my the discipline and dilligence to do hard things, right things, ever when I don't want to.
Father remind me of your love and mercy.
Give me faith and trust.
Make me more like your son.

In Jesus' Name
Amen

Preparing for Marriage

If you are married or looking into marriage please respond.

What is preparing for marriage? What works? Is premarital prep and counseling really about reading books and answering questions?
Honestly I like going through questions with my fiance. It kinda feels like a game!
How do we feel about this that and the other, who takes out the trash, turns off the lights, decorates the house, does the yard (once there is one.) These are great questions! Things you don't want to be surprised by once living together.
But I find myself with a list of books to read that keeps getting longer as people give their input. I don't mind reading, in fact, my job gives me plenty of time to do so but a lot of these books, I'd like to do WITH Ryan and he doesn't have the same availability.
I'm reading my word and thinking constantly about my roll as wife.
I think about how I'm going to cook, shop, do laundry, decorate our living space, respond to Ryan under all possible circumstances.
We've talked about the important stuff, we are CURRENTLY working on finances and discussing where and how we will live in a way that is wise and God-honoring.
But I somehow feel... unprepared.
I feel lonely... I think I'm selfish...
I've never EVER wished to be an only child! I can't imagine life any differently, BUT, when I think about some of the silly times I've had just me and mom and the questions I've been able to ask and the things I've found out...(YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE....) Sometimes when I come home I selfishly expect no one else to be there, for her to be in a happy mood, and for us to be able to talk.
But, I have several brother's and sisters, my mom has a lot on her plate, and sometimes I don't even have anything to talk about, I just feel more prepared to be a wife when I talk to my mommy... That sounds dumb but really it's because she is such a good wife I think I just want her to rub off on me.

In my dream world this is how it works:
Ryan's schedule is predictable and so our planning is so much easier.
I get off work and head home, open the door put my things away and sit down with my mom.
At that point we discuss some wedding planning and then it's class time. We talk about menu planning, grocery shopping, recipes, chores, fun things to do that don't cost money, how to stay on top of a budget, what to think about when planning honeymoon, family planning, etc.
In my dream world my mom does all the work... that's horribly selfish.
I never know when Ryan's going to be home or if he has something planned on the days I see him, I've kind of just learned to adjust to his schedule and I think I'll be better at it once we're married but we're still engaged and I still want time with my family and balancing things out, figuring out what I want and what I need to do to make it happen is hard.
Life is messy, I've never been naturally neat... me and life... make BIG messes.

Here's what I've learned. God places people and resourses in our lives at the right time for very good reasons. How and if we use them is up to us... sometimes the time in which we have these resourses is limited and we don't realize how long we've had them until we almost can't have them anymore... or maybe that's just me... wouldn't be surprised.

Finding a perfect Godly balance to living life isn't easy.
Relating to everyone in a Christ like manner despite how we feel or are treated or what the situation is... whatever... just isn't easy.
I'm human, I get mad, I feel hurt, I don't wanna be just as nice to my friend who's being difficult and harsh, as I do to my friend who's just sweet and easy to get along with.
That doesn't mean I don't love them equally. Or that I shouldn't treat them both with the same amount of love and grace.
God calls us to do hard things... I don't always get it but I'm sure there's some reason for it. ;)

How does one prepare for marriage? Where is the balance between the almost and the not yet. Almost everyone I know who's married went from living on their own to living with their spouse. And that's cool but I want a good picture of living at home and spending time with your family while still giving ample time to preparing with Mr. Fiance.
I want both parties to feel like they're getting enough of my love and attention and I want to feel like I'm getting enough of both parties without offending one or the other or both in the process.

God, you're a perfect God. Neat, organized, all knowing... why messy life? Really? Cant you clean it up and make it a bit simpler?
Or at least just show me how to navigate it.

Married? How's it going? What are the top 3 things you've learned since being married? What was the best thing you did to prepare?
What advice can you give me?