Some Lists

BOOKS I'M READING(or about to read)

-Living the Cross Centered Life
-Reforming Marriage (Part of premarital counseling.)
-Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover
-Love and Respect
-The Five Love Languages
-The Excellent Wife
-Preparing for Marriage
-So You Wanna Be Like Christ
-Costa Rica Vacationing

THINGS I'M GOING TO DO WITH MONEY (When I get it.)

-Pay off my credit card (and cancel it.)
-Buy some of the above books
-Register for my churches Women's retreat
-Buy some wedding music from itunes (gradually.)
-Revamp my wardrobe (Gradually, I have crappy clothes AND SHOES =(
-Work on a special project for my college bound friend (a shadow box)
-Start buying gifts for my special attendants (gradually.)

THINGS I'M DOING THIS WEEK (Lord Willing)

-Reading carefully and thouroughly through James and 1&2 Peter (My favorite books of the Bible and easily applicable to life. Lots of meat.)
-Spending good quality time in Prayer and quiet time w/ my savior
-Spending good (unplanned) quality time with my family
-Looking at and researching wedding venues and such things
-Working with and going on walks with Teige (the baby I care for)
-Swing Dancing w/ my fiance and small group
-Getting my oil changed (blah!)
-Getting a copy of my birth certificate (proving more difficult than expected)
-Studying and preparing with my fiance, and just having a good time.
-Personal Reading

Just Some Thoughts...

I've been off of my blog for a long time. I did some catching up with some of my fellow bloggers and it did me some good.
I can't not laugh when browsing through Mr A's posts. He's good for my heart.

So things in my life have been up and down lately.
I'm easily distracted, but no thank you I don't need a pill or an ADD label, I just need to focus.

To be honest the most common feeling I have right now is a sense of being torn. Or stretched.
I'm engaged, I'm very happy and looking forward to wedding day and every day to follow. But I'm sad, I'm dissapointed. I feel like crying when I think about how different, and how much better things would be right now IF...
If I had established better relationships,
If I had just worked on some relationships,
If I had stayed focused on Christ,
If I hadn't done that thing, or made those choices,
If I hadn't been who I was.
My life is full of mistakes and immaturity, and I know I can be naive. Life doesn't work without consequence and I think I just lose track of how memorable some of our actions can be to other people, other people affected by them.
And yet again I find myself in an inbetween. The already but not yet stage.
I've discovored I'm not very good at balancing things evenly.
I am learning how to be engaged, and it's not easy. In antisipation of getting married I tend to want to jump into things but I don't like not spending good time with my family.
And I want my fiance to be a part of my family but if things don't fall into place I can't force it. (It's like a puzzle peice.) And now as I'm seeing our future together, being one (like one puzzle peice) I'm trying to figure out where and how we refit into our families and communities etc.
I'm thinking about where we're going to live, how we're going to live, who's going to be a big part of our lives, what friends will we have what family will we be close to...

We talk a lot, ask a lot of questions and are trying to figure things out, but in the process of discussing how we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, things get complicated. We don't always understand each other right away and it's not always fun or easy. And all relationships take work and of course when you start thinking about living with another person things come up that wouldn't have before and you learn through that process.

I guess I just can't help but wish things were different. And I don't mean to sound ungreatful. I love my fiance more than I ever thought I could love a person and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. But I pray for several things on a regular basis and am having a hard time seeing God's plan in all of it.
God why isn't my sister's fiance here?
Why doesn't my brother have a different job?
Why isn't there more security in my dad's job?
I ask for wisdom and understanding on a DAILY basis but just keep seeing myself fall on my face over the simplist things.
I pray for financial blessing and wisdom, for preperation and overall just Christ-likeness and a God-centered life for me and Ryan and I can't help but feel nervous about it. I know it's not going to be easy, I don't really want it to be but I would like a little assurance, and I have faith. I think everything's going to be fine, I just didn't have the eyes to see things as realistically as I do now, and that's good because I'm thinking and praying and seeking and reading and doing all that I know to do!

My hearts desire is to be a child of God that pleases the father. A biblical wife, virtuous woman, and whole hearted follower of Christ.

I feel like a little girl playing dress up. I know I have a lot more learning and maturing to do, I still have a ways to grow, but sometimes I just wish that when God's hand seems far he would just show it to me in some small way. Remind me that everything really is okay. I know it is, I believe God is in control and has a plan for me and Ryan, for my brother and sister, and parents. I don't always understand it but ... it's there.

This Is Where I Am

I am currently at work, (The baby is sleeping.)
I am currently working for a women who asks a lot of questions about my life and I hope and pray that what I speak and how I live is honorable to Christ.
I am currently in a place where, for the past several weeks I was praying and asking for Gos just to speak to me. It had been quiet, my readings and most (not all) the sermons I heard still left me hungry and thirsty and now...
I am currently in a place where I am hearing so much, seeing so much that needs to be changed its incredible but it's rough because it's so much that it's all jumbled up and I need to think it out and figure out what to do first and how to go about making my life more like Christ's
But still, I am currently in a place where I can hear.
I am currently in a place where I can feel conviction,
I am suddenly more aware of all the things I was working on and just forgot about or let go of along the way.
I am... currently relying on God to show me how I should live.
And I pray that my focus and my will stays right here, completely devoted to my savior.



YOU ARE

on my knees in your presence, I call out your name
Father, please see my effort, I need your grace.
I have the desire to follow you comepletely,
But I'm lacking the strength to let go of everything.

But father you are, all that I need,
Father you are, my strength when I'm weak.
You are life, you are hope,
You are joy, You're my home,
and I'm giving you all that I am

I'll let go of my plans and my selfish desires
Father, you're what I want, come and kindle this fire.
I'm giving you all of me, every insecurity,
I want you to define me, and for the whole world to see
I am yours, I am yours

father you are, all that I need,
father you are, my strength when I'm weak
You are life, you are hope,
You are joy, you're my home,
and I'm giving you all I am

I'll let go of my greed and my thoughts full of vanity
'Cause father you're all I need and you are true beauty
Make me humble & gentle with a heart just like yours
Break my pride, make me less so that you become more.
I need you more, I need you more.

Father you are, all that I need
Father you are, my strength when I'm weak.
You are life, you are hope
you are joy, you're my home,
and I'm giving you all that I am
Help me give you all that I am
Help me live with all that I am,
only for you.

It's been a long time since I blogged. I feel like I've been learning a lot! And now things are slowing down a bit so I have time to stop and take it all in.
In the past month or two a lot has happened:
I lost my job,
I started school,
I got engaged,
I found a job,
and I finished school.

I learned a lot about photography and the human eyes and brain. I've learned a lot about relationships and my spiritual walk with Christ.
I'm continuing to learn and relearn new things every day which is something I need to keep in mind. I'm always learning, whether I realize it or not.

One of the most powerful ways for me to learn something is the least enjoyable way.
Conviction. I learn a lot about myself and my God when I feel an overwheling conviction. It puts me back in my place, humbles my heart once again, and reminds me who I am and why I'm here and how great and mighty our god is.

My most recent conviction is this:
Theology and Study. This has SEVERAL different aspects to it. I was at church just yesterday evening and heard the first of a new sermon series called 20 questions. Each sermon addresses a doctrine as a question and by answering.
Yesterday's sermon was: Why Study Theology?
I started to tune out automatically because when I think theology I think old stuffy men, giant unreadable texts, argumentative people and concepts I can't comprehend.
It's daunting really and not at all interesting to me in that way. It feels like the part of school I'd be destined to struggle with.
But the word Theology was redefined as "Knowing God and thinking his thoughts after him." This is a MUCH better picture in my head. I don't want to know books or other people's opinions on difficult and inapplicable topics. I want to know my savior, my heavenly father, and have a good understanding of all that he is and does and will continue to do. However there is still this huge block, this "Study" thing, this "understanding" aspect to it all.
I'm gonna be totalloy honest, it's REALLY difficult for me to read much of the Bible. It's hard for me to grasp the point or the purpose in a lot of passages or figure out how to apply it to my everyday life. I often times come away feeling stupid or inadequate. I don't want to be one of those Christians Paul talks about who have been saved so long that they should be teachers but can still only handle milk. I give up too easily. I feel defeated when I don't understand something and stupid for having to ask and I get frustrated because of those feelings and get to the point where I really just don't even want to read my Bible! But that's not right, I know that's not right. I'm never going to learn or comprehend things if I don't give it the time and effort it needs. Maybe I need a study Bible, some references, and a study ethic. I need to learn how to study, I mean really study my Bible. Not just read it and check it off the list not even retaining what I read, I mean reading and KNOWING God's word.
I pray for wisdom, discernment, and understanding nearly every day but don't do anything to get there. I'm not training myself or teaching myself any of these things or even really making the effort and that needs to change.
We are to have a real relationship with our heavenly father, and just like any relationship, it won't get deep and intimate if you don't get to know each other. God already knows all there is to know about me. But have I really taken the time to get to know him? Have I devoted enough time to prayer and study to really know him, to become sensitive to the Holy Spirit, to know when he's speaking into my life and how to live as a light unto the world, to go and make disciples, be a true witness?
I don't think I have. And this is my conviction. I should be doing all of these things confidently. I should know MUCH more than I do. I have had access to the Bible since I was able to read and there are people risking their lives just to get their hands on one and read it.
How selfish and self centered I've realized I am.
Giving up on such important things without even thinking about it. Why? Because it's too hard. Because it's uncomfortable. Because it makes ME feel stupid.
What I child. And to think we have such a patient merciful God, watching over us, guiding and waiting for us to see what life is really about.
Not me, not my feelings or desires. But Him. His will, and His kigdom.
I think it was John who said: I must decrease so he may increase. (Or something like that.)

June 27th 2009

What an incredibly boring title to post under huh? Well, I'm not really sure what all this post will contain seeing as though I'm VERY behind in my blogging.
I haven't written or updated anything in quite some time and life has been fairly interesting.

Lately I have felt convicted and discouraged, but then motivated and encouraged. God is really good about hitting me hard when I need humbled or confronted about things and letting it sink in enough to really effect me but then help me back up and get me going on the right track.
Some of the things that happened this month seemed to be God getting my attention. It's like a conversation in a different language that I can only translate in hindsight. So looking back over this month this is what I translate:

Me- Ladee da dee dah, I'm so in love, I'm gonna be a photographer, I'm gonna have the perfectist happy life.... lalalalala...

God- Why don't I hear from you anymore? Have you become too busy for me?

Me- hmmm hmmm dum dee dum...

God- Do you not realize that everything you have is from me? I have plans for you, more than what you have for yourself. You're not listening like you used to...

(Some things transpire)

Me- God, where are you? I need you, things are going all wrong. I lost my job, school takes up so much time and I want to be spending it with Ryan. There's too much going on, we're moving again, Ryan started a new job and we don't have as much time as before and I need a job!

God- Why are you so anxious?

Me- Do you seriously want me to repeat all that?

God- I know exactly what's going on in your life. You don't trust me.

Me- I do too! ... I just... I want everything to be fixed... like... within the next 10 minutes.

God- I don't work like that.

Me- I know.

God- You've become too accustom to what I've given you.

Me- What do you mean?

God- You expect much of me but give me nothing. You have become selfish again, lost sight of where your passion and focus used to be. You're becoming luke warm, mediocre at best. Do you not remember what I've brought you from? I saved you from a darkness that you created, a darkness you were drowning in. Do you remember?

Me- Yes... It was horrible... I was horrible.

God- And when I brought you out, you begin to work. You, in my power in strength, began to turn things around. You put yourself behind others, you wanted to serve me, even became judicious and purposeful in daily walks with me, reading my word and speaking to me. You had convictions and direction in what being my child means and looks like, and you strived for excellence.

Me- I forgot... I miss that... I want to be on fire for you. I want that passion again. I want your wisdom and understanding and discipline. God I'm sorry.

God- Let's get back to that place, I'll give you what you ask for. You'll learn from my word and become sensitive to my spirit once again.

Okay so as corney a presentation this is, it's where I am. Over the past two days I've heard four incredible sermons, had some amazing prayer times, and some very productive Bible reading.

You know how freaking hot it is right now? Well it's like, when you go running in the morning, and it's still over 90 degrees, and when you get back, you're tired, hot and dehydrated but someone's left your favorite gatorade in the fridge, cranked up the AC, and prepped the bathroom for a shower.... no, actually it's WAY more intense than that but it's really good.

Maybe it's like having the best most refreshing drink available to you when you are the most thirsty.

I don't know, play with some imagery that works for you and get some time with Jesus today! :)

Problems, Packing, And Peace.

This past week has been such a roller coaster for me that my mind had a hard time grasping it as a whole.
My life right now is very busy... or rather, full of many different things, good and rather unpleasant.
This previous week God has shown me, and taught me SO much. I feel like I have grown, but as we all know, growing doesn't happen without some discomfort.

Some of the things in my life that I feel God is using as a growing opportunity for me is uncertainty in general.
We're moving this coming weekend to a house I've never seen in a neighborhood I'm not familiar with where I don't know how to get to work.
We're only staying there for 8 weeks until we move again to our new house where I will be until I get married. (Whenever that is.)
Secondly, there are some relationships in my life that have been less than smooth lately. I've had to remind myself that my facus and the reason for everything I do is Christ. Relationships aren't easy because people are sinful and we have to remember to look to Christ and examine ourselves as well as imitate Christ in how we relate to and treat others. This too has been a very difficult thing for me this week.
Work is another place where uncertainty lives. My schedule now consists of 30-40 hours a week and is fairly unpredictable. I often get phone calls from my boss early in the morning asking me if I'd like to come in early.
I never quite know how my day will go, who I will be working with and what mood they'll be in.
Lately I've come to realize that I work with only women (Except Brian, the co-owner with his wife) who are all working in a high stress, loud, and messy invironment, several of which could be having that horrible week in the month that makes them absolutely ridiculous to work with, and on top of that when anyone, child or worker, gets sick, you know there will soon be a wave of grumpy workers who don't feel well but can't afford to take time off.

So, we've talked of Packing, well, the process of moving, which includes packing, and we've gone over problems, working and relationship.
Now I want to discuss peace.
See, through these challenges and issues, I feel as though my faith has been challenged. I've had to preach the gospel to myself, remind myself that my worth and my life are in God and my purpose is for Him despite, where I live, what I do for a living, and who I'm with. But a lot of the peace God has granted me this week has been through the reminder that, while all that is true, it's okay for me to have a hard time, to struggle with difficult things, and to say that I don't like this and it's not fun! There's nothing wrong with that!
I've learned how to really pour my heart out to God, how to redirect my steps and complete focus (With His help of course.) and how to "Take every thought captive."
And through this VERY difficult and very LONG week, I feel like I have grown, and like much of the weight I was holding has been lifted.
I feel content, blessed, and at peace because I have a God who loves me, calls me his daughter, and loves me even when I'm angry, weary, ungrateful, or fall into sin.

I'm incredibly blessed and grateful for a Christ like family who is always here for me, always encouraging, who loves me and wants the best for me, and who cares enough to speak into my life.
I am so grateful that God has found a way to take my anxious way of thinking about life's challenges and turned it into an adventurous way of thinking. To see things as a new and ecxiting journey, a challenge to overcome, an obstacle waiting to be conquered not through my strength but the strength of Jesus Christ who saved me.
How cool is that?!

I pray that God would grant the same kind of peace and thought process to those around me and in similar circumstances.
If you're reading this, I pray this for you, and I pray that God would pour out many wonderful blessings upon your week.
Happy Sunday!

Spiritual Life

Lately I feel as though God is revealing to me more than He has over the course of my whole spiritual life, and maybe it's because I'm actually listening.
Maybe Christ has softened my heart where I'm actually able to feel and hear the Holy Spirit. It's been a really long time since I've felt that way, and yet, now I feel overwhelmed.
It seems like everyday I am convicted of so many things and am constantly reminded of how worthless and sinful I am.
Without Christ I am nothing and now that I'm really aware of my sinful thoughts, attitudes, and actions, I'm tempted to despair and fall into condemnation.
My flesh hates feeling convicted but my soul knows how good it is.
I know that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ, but everyday my prayer is to be an example of my savior and a light to the dark world I live in and everyday I feel as though I fail horribly.
There is so much about me that I want to be different, that I know should change. I know that I can't do it without Christ and I know that sanctification is progressive but sometimes I find myself before God in my prayer time, frustrated and confused, like: "God, you have the power, I have the desire, why don't you just change me?"

My work situation is very challenging. Everyday that I have to get up for work I fight negative thoughts and attitudes and have to try to bend my focus as much towards Christ as I know how but often times I fail or that focus is distracted by the tiniest little upsets in my day. I feel weak and unworthy of my savior. He has blessed me with so much and I should have a constant joy in my life simply because He calls me His but so often I find myself weary and upset just because the job that He's provided for me came with several challenges, or simply because the amazing relationship with such an incredible Godly man that He has blessed me with is difficult sometimes and has it's bumps in the road.
But still, I wouldn't change either of these things.
I love certain aspects about my job and am very happy with the pay check I get every other Friday and the relationship I'm in, ... I wouldn't trade for the world. Now that this man is in my life, I can't imagine life eithout him.

God is working on me in so many different ways. Growing me through difficulties, challenging me through conviction, reminding me to be with Him in constant prayer and studying His word.
I struggle to really grasp and keep in mind the realism of FULLY relying on God. To do that, I have to let go completely, acknowledge that I screw up when I'm in charge and that it's a gift to give God my whole life to guide and direct for His glory.

I am a selfish human being and often times forget that my purpose in life is to glorify my savior. Jesus, forgive me.
I know now that my worth is in Christ as is my purpose but I wish that I could keep that in front of all my other ways of thinking.
There are so many simple things that I forget or let myself get distracted from.
So many things that I drop the ball in and seem to fall on my face over.

God is still working in me, and one of the things He's teaching me is patience. I see the things in my life that are not like Christ and want it fixed quick and easy, right here, right now. But I've learned (And am still learning) that things happen in HIS time for a reason, and as difficult as it can be to wait for His time, it is better than my own.