Monday Mommy Blues

I'm  just gonna be honest and put it out there... it's been a rough weekend.

Hannah Kate's great sleeping lasted all of two nights and then we had another up every hour night followed by up every two hours... Being a Mommy is HARD! Trying to figure out what is best for your baby is HARD especially when your own needs are such a huge part of the picture, even when you try not to think about it.

I'm struggling with this not only in the sleep category but in others as well. I'm having a really hard time accepting my health issues right now. It would be easy to decide I just don't want to know anymore and ignore it but that wouldn't be good for anyone. The more research I do the more I wish I would have understood most of these things from the beginning. I would have done so many things different and possibly could have been in better overall health right now.

I couldn't get in to see an Endocrinologist until August 19th and I am just banking question after question as I continue to read and research.
I have noticed a lot of negative PCOS symptoms since having Hannah Kate but didn't recognize that's what they were until fairly recently.
The hardest ones to deal with are how my endocrine issues effect my moods and emotions. Especially with added stress like sleep deprivation. And feeling light headed and dizzy a lot is no fun either. Especially while taking care of a baby.
I can't help but wonder how good of a Mommy I've been these past five months and how much better I could have been had I known what I know now before I even got pregnant.

One thing that's weighing very heavy on my heart as I research, (and I plan on asking my OBGYN, Pediatrician and Endocrinologist about) is the effects of the medication I rather expect to be advised to take on my baby through nursing. Would it be wiser not to take the drug or wiser to switch to formula? If diet alone is not enough to stabilize all of these endocrine issues will I be the best mommy I can be without the medication? Is it better for Hannah Kate to continue nursing with a Mommy who might be overly stressed or spent? Or to have second best nutrition and a Mommy who is healthier...
I may be getting ahead of myself, or I may just be preparing and examining options before I'm officially presented with them.

I pray a lot, but I confess it's usually me asking something of God... and to be honest my spiritual life is certainly not what it should be for someone who has known Jesus as long as I have.
I have always struggled with why God let's us walk through painful and difficult places.
I ask God to help my baby sleep every night... and for some reason He doesn't see that to be what's best for me...
I ask God to take away health afflictions... and have ever since I found out I had PCOS... And apparently He knows better, and there's a reason He isn't healing me.
I ask God to bless us Financially and my guess is that He wants us to fully rely on His plan and provision and be happy with "Just Enough"

My heart is heavy today as I ponder these things and trudge through my day, chin held as high as I can hold it, trying to be a great Mommy even though I feel like I'm severely lacking on days like this.

God is bigger... Christ has overcome the world... I know He doesn't give me more than I can handle... but He certainly sees more strength in me than I do...