Anxieties...

I've gotten pretty good at "Putting My Big Girl Panties On" up here in Houston being on my own so much, but one thing I've noticed is that sometimes being an adult gets confused with stuffing my feelings.
Having anxieties and worries and emotions doesn't make a person less mature, it's what we do with those emotions that shows our maturity level.

Over the past two days I have really been struggling with some honest anxiety and have been doing what I know to do and talking it out with my Hubby and doing my best to lay them before the lord.

I had a pretty good Doctor's appointment with my original Dr back in Austin on Monday. They were happy to have me back and I am happy to be back with that office and that Dr. I definitely feel like I'm getting better care with them than I was here in Houston.
But here are some of my concerns:

- I couldn't ignore the number on the scale because they have you weigh yourself in the bathroom and report the number to the nurse... This number makes me cry... maybe I'm just hormonal and maybe I have just always really struggled with my weight and it's very difficult for me to put it into perspective during pregnancy. I was not at my ideal weight before pregnancy and my last Dr was very rude about how much I've gained and I can't put it out of my mind.

- The next appointment I go to is my glucose screening and I am so afraid I will find out I have gestational diabetes because I'm a fat undisciplined cow! If I find out my pregnancy becomes more risky due to diabetes I will feel like a mommy failure! I am eating better and Ryan and I go to our little apartment gym 3 times a week and I ride a bike for about 40 minutes. I don't know how much good that's doing though...

- Another few things that will be happening at my next appointment is a redo of my stage 2 sonogram because my Dr doesn't really trust the care I got here, (which I don't blame him! They have still yet to transfer my medical records and ignored a fairly important test that came back abnormal.) and it makes me sad that Ryan can't come to this appointment because this doctor does their big sonogram in 3D which Ryan has said he would love to see.
They are also going to do some further testing on the abnormal screening I had back in my first trimester which is another thing I really wanted Ryan to be with me for.
Without going into detail it's the second abnormality I've had in this particular area and my Dr is concerned that no one did anything further here in Houston and it could mean something pretty scary; like cancer or more difficulty having future children. This makes me sad and nervous but really just bummed that my hubby can't be there.

My whole next visit is just full of emotional triggers and I have to be fasting beforehand and when I think about it all I just want Ryan to be at my side. But this is a part of being an adult. We can't afford to board the dogs again or for him to take a day off of work with the move coming up and Hannah Kate coming not long after that.

The upside is, this should be the only visit like this that we will be driving in from out of town to make. And I have my mom in town there.

The move and organizing our finances is another anxiety of mine but as we have a little more control over that, it's not quite as scary, just a lot of hard work and sacrifices.
It pretty much means we won't be back in Austin (except for my Dr visit) until we move down there at Christmas. The gas and dog boarding don't fit in the budget when we factor in the expenses of moving right at Christmas. But once we are home I will feel like I can breathe easy again and it will all be worth it!

I'm so Thankful we have a God who understands our human anxieties and emotions and invites us to give them to Him so we can have more peace.
I can't wait to be at home, to have my husband and my family all in one area again.

The Journey Home

"The Journey home, is never too long, your heart arrives before the train"

I've been thinking about this song over the past few days. This line is very true. No matter how long or difficult, it's always worth it to come home, but I really get the second part: "Your Heart Arrives Before The Train." I am SO ready to live back in Pflugerville, back in my home, being close to all my family and friends, going back to our church, our small group... and I'm beyond blessed that we even get to come home but now that I know we are, I find I am very impatient. Every time we go back it just feels like home and I get super excited all over again but we have to come back to Cypress again until the time is right.

It seems so far away, and yet the months are progressing swiftly. 53 days from now we will be packed up in a giant truck headed back to our neck of the woods. That seems like AGES away, especially given how close it is to Christmas! I hope I can get us settled in just a few days so we can enjoy Christmas a bit more.

That's another thing. Since we move just days before Christmas, this will be the only time in my life that I will not decorate for the holidays the Sunday after Thanksgiving. This does make me a bit sad but I guess it's one less thing to put away after Christmas and before Hannah Kate comes. I'll just have to enjoy other people's decor.

One of the upsides to all of this is that I get to go back to my OB who helped us through our fertility issues and followed us on our journey to even get to have Hannah Kate!
This is a huge blessing! I was not happy with my OB here but didn't really know what to do! I never saw the same person, everyone was a bit cold and insensitive to particular things like weight gain, and they blew off what I am seeing now as something more of a concern.
So, I had a wonderful doctor's appointment yesterday! I got to see my sweet girl! And for the first time she was sleeping while we peeked at her. She sleeps with her arm resting over her head just like her mommy! :)
My doctors were so happy to have me back!
The stressor of this aspect is the transfer of funds from my last doctor to this doctor and getting our finances sorted out medically. I also had to work out what I hope is ONE more traveling appointment for the end of November. And unfortunately it means Ryan can't be with me but after that we should be back in town for the rest of the appointments.

53 days sounds like a lot, but 8 weeks doesn't! In about 8 weeks we will be home. :) So I have 8 weeks to continue my organization and packing. The more I do now the easier unpacking will be back home.

Time for some "To Do" and "Check" lists! :)

Halloween

I both love and hate this time of year.
Fall has always been my favorite season what with gorgeously poetic scenes of colored leaves, cool breezes and the natural tendency to reflect upon life and thankfulness.

Halloween, however, is a different thing. It came up this past weekend with "Mima" as our little niece Allie is two and gets dressed up in ADORABLE little costumes and I believe goes trick or treating. I'm not judging, because I don't think this is a "cross to die on" so to speak. But with some things that are in stores and shows and movies on TV and Ryan and I's very different growing ups, we have discussed our take on Halloween and Ryan's mom asked about it.

Our kids will not go trick or treating, we will not celebrate Halloween and we will definitely not take part in anything creepy. I still remember stories my brothers told me in the spirit of scaring on Halloween. (They got in trouble of course but teenage boys will be what they are.)
I had nightmares for years as a young child. I had to have a very specific night time routine that consisted of prayer time with my Daddy, (usually holding me in his lap and praying over me) a tape of my Nonnie reading scripture and peaceful stories, and the light still on. I went to bed an hour earlier than my other siblings so that I was asleep by the time my sister came on and needed to turn of the light and the tape to be able to get to sleep herself.
I don't blame my bad dreams on Halloween but it certainly does provide plenty of material for nightmares. I've always been real sensitive to dark things and maybe that's some hidden spiritual discernment that God gave me to help balance out some of my naivety.

Whatever the case, I was never upset about not going trick or treating, other kids costumes would have scared the bejeesis out of me! (Heck I didn't even like being down stairs when they came to our door for candy!)

I did however LOVE an excuse to dress up as some beautiful princess of a far away land and we did that in the fall time at church festivals and outreaches where no one dressed as anything scary and what we were celebrating was The Harvest time! Not dead things and evil spirits!
But I dressed up more times not related to Halloween too. I dressed up until I was a teenager! :) And this aspect, and the celebration of the fall time, "The Harvest" The Bible refers to so often, THAT I'm okay with.

Ryan and I both agree, in situations like this, err on the side of caution. Don't mess with evil spirits or anything that seems to be more of Satan or the world than of Christ.

So that's how I feel about that!

Weekend Review

- Recently my sweet Husband suggested we go to Starbucks for a little date and discuss how we are going to do things better once we get back home to Austin. Particularly when we get back into our home. We have both said that we want to be way better stewards of God's blessings than we were before, so unaware of all that we had. It was a great date!

- Ryan spoke with our renter yesterday and it sounds like we've worked out that we can move back in to our home in December! Steve, (the renter) is beginning his search for a new place and as long as he can have his deposit back from us in time to give it to his new place, he is fine with it, however there is also the matter of him actually finding a place before December 22nd so I don't feel like it's a sure fire thing just yet. I'm still praying. Scott took a picture of our backyard the last time he was there to mow and it has made an amazing recovery!

- We got to spend some good time with Ryan's mom, sister, and niece this weekend and we had a good time! Of course we discussed our move and they were understanding but disappointing. Allison had begun to get used to seeing us the whole time she's in town as we live just down the road from her house here in Cypress and Melissa noted that since we've been in town Allie asks for Ryan and I about 3 times a week.
We have gotten closer to that sweet little girl but not that these relationships have been strengthened, moving back to Austin won't change things too much. We will do better about keeping in touch and exchanging pictures and making visits (When Hannah Kate is well adjusted to life... and the car.)

- A while back, we went to an outdoor shopping center in Sugarland with Melissa and Allie. Ryan decided he wanted to be in charge of Allie and let us girls do a bit of shopping. To keep Allie occupied when she got a little fussy he pointed out acorns and they sorted a bunch of them into piles. I am so proud of my hubby! He got creative and the activity he taught her is a great manipulative to help her grow. Unfortunately she doesn't like to leave the acorns when it's time to go, and apparently she hasn't passed up noticing acorns anywhere since. So in Mima's houses and Melissa's there have been acorn collections and suddenly little white larva worms began to appear everywhere.
"They are coming from the Acorns!" we figured out. I pointed to the little holes in the tree nuts and Allison asked me how I knew that's what made those holes and that's where they were coming from.
My answer? "I was homeschooled!" Haha

- I am so excited about meeting Hannah Kate! 17 weeks seems so far away! But then, it doesn't seem that far at all! What with holidays and moving and birthdays and showers and before I know it she will be here!
I can't wait to be back home! She will get to know Makafui and Sophia and all her aunts and uncles and we get to go back to sweet Doctor and nurses who helped us through the most difficult journey in our lives!

- Today I'm going to Macy's with some Macy's Money my mother in law gave me. I am in desperate need of maternity pants. I only have one pair of jeans that fits right. I have lots of tops and a good amount of dresses but I'm hoping to find another good pair of jeans and a good pair of black slacks.
Yesterday I bought this Liz Lang maternity dress from target for only $14! I'm going to the Houston Opera next Tuesday while Ryan is at school with an old friend of mine. I'm planning on dressing this up for the occasion.

- This week cannot go by fast enough. Thursday I'll be baking up a storm! And Friday we get on the road for a fabulous weekend in Austin, and just like last time, the weather will be superb!

Thursday!

Thursday is the mark of the last long day before our weekend arrives. I typically spend Thursdays grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, cooking up a big meal that makes left overs and any other task that makes me feel productive and produces more organization in our living space.

Yesterday I got a head start by going through all of the clothes we have here at the apartment. Everything hanging up, everything in the drawers, and even the off season items in boxes.
We got rid of A LOT!
I noticed I had a lot of stuff from high school which I guess being 23 that's not really THAT bad, but several items were faded, a little too skimpy, a little too young, or just wouldn't fit a new mommy.
So we not have two small bags and a BIG overflowing box of Goodwill donations. And it makes me so happy to know that we will not be moving any of that back to our Home in Austin.
That felt SO good I decided I want to go through EVERYTHING like that and try to cut things nearly in half! So we went through our movies and got rid of anything we deemed unwholesome or simply boring, today I am going through a huge suitcase full of books, and by happenstance we have gotten rid of a whole box of kitchen things! (Nasty Bug Infestation on that one.)

I love the feeling of getting rid of junk. It makes my life feel cleaner! And it's not just because we are moving... I'm ahead of the game there because we've got two months, but still!
We are already receiving things for Hannah Kate, Christmas is coming up and after that Ryan and I both have a birthday in January and we will have showers for Hannah Kate.
Just a few short months after we move we will have collected a lot of new things, and I am no a hoarder. I grew up with a wise and organized Mommy who taught us to clean out our closets before Christmas. Make room for the new by getting rid of the old.
And even new stuff I am getting more choosy about. We all have those sweet people in our lives who give us very thoughtful gifts but those gifts never really have a place in our home for one reason or another. Well, Ryan and I both had a hard time getting rid of those things when we first got married because they were gifts! But if a year later they are in the same closet, it wouldn't have mattered if we did something with it a week after we got it.
We have always been on the same page about not allowing our children to become materialistic in this age of so much stuff, so we are starting before Hannah Kate even gets here. If we don't use it more than we store it, it doesn't have a place in our home. (With a few small exceptions)

Well, time to start my day! I'm off to the store.

Coming Home - Hurdles

Ryan had several conversations with people yesterday and we did a lot of thinking and research. The biggest hurdle has been cleared! The Austin Union WILL allow Ryan to finish his 3rd year of school out in Austin!
Another hurdle that seems mostly jumped is that Austin Johnson Controls said they would take him back, it just has to be cleared by higher authority, which I'm not seeing being a problem but we would still like a full and confident yes on that front.

Here are some other hurdles we are looking to tackle and in prayer about:

- Ryan is going to sit down with Houston Johnson Controls to explain the situation to them. We need them to be understanding and helpful because there is paperwork involved in transfers where both Houston and Austin branches need to communicate to get Ryan back to Austin.

- Timing! Technically our rent here is up mid to end January, but due to semester timing and saving all time off for Hannah Kate's arrival, we need to plan on moving the weekend before Christmas. So we are going to sit down with the apartments and see what we might be able to negotiate.

- Housing! We have a renter under contract until mid July. Ryan spoke with him last night about breaking the lease in December and he is considering it. This would be the best thing as Hannah Kate is due in February and being able to break the lease and move home would cut out a move and mean we get all of our stuff settled in one place and have our massive back yard for the dogs which will make my new mommy life SO much easier. Not to mention only setting up Hannah Kate's room once!

- Doctors. This wouldn't keep us from moving home but it IS a part of the transition. I am planning on calling my insurance and possibly an OB today to see about money that we have already paid towards our delivery if we were to switch OBs. As soon as we have fully confidence that we can move back home I will switch back to my OB back in Austin and just plan trips to Austin to go to my appointments until we move back home. This is more a complication that I'm praying will be a smooth transaction.

-Moving Expenses! Moving is not cheap! Even when you do it yourself. And we are going to have to move from 3 different locations here in Houston back to Austin all in one day. We are already working on our financial planning to be ready for a big move but renting a truck and paying for all the gas and having to get internet and electricity and all that set up again is money out of pocket. So we are planning accordingly but praying that God would give us wisdom and discipline to save as much as possible between now and then, as well as really good deals on uhaul etc.
(I also applied for two different short term nanny positions that just run from the beginning of November until about the time we would pack up and move. 8 weeks of being a nanny right before all the craziness would help us SO much financially so I'm praying for one of those to come through!)

So this is where we are. It's not easy but it will be so worth it to be back home by Christmas! I have missed my home so much! And I'm not talking about the brick building in Pflugerville. I mean the familiar areas, the sites and smells. MY FAMILY, my friends, our church! Everything! I cannot wait to get back!
I know there are still things we have to get through to feel fully confident that we get to come home but... Thank You Jesus, for making a way for us to come home!!!

Roadblocks, Reevaluation, & Renewed Life

Well, What a week! We have been searching for a more permanent home for our family here in Houston since August. We have put offers on nearly 10 homes! We were told "yes" on SEVERAL and they all fell through. Everywhere we turned we were met with roadblock after roadblock and they were all different! Some issues we had were with banks due to foreclosures or short sales, other issues were with the actual seller or other people with better offers, and then we started having real issues with our own realtor. All of this hardship in looking for a permanent place made us stop and pray and consider, maybe God is telling us to wait and listen.

That's what we did. We began praying, and considering what other options God may be trying to show us. And the less time, energy, and emotion we spent on looking for a place to live, the more time we spent talking openly with one another and really exploring what God's will is for us.
We have learned through good advice, good literature, and life experiences, that God rarely spells things out for us in letter soup or something. So we go back to what we know about God and what we know God's will is for all His children, and began examining our lives since we have been in Houston.
What we realized, when we allowed ourselves to be brutally honest is that our quality of life has decreased. We see each other less due to commute and school starting later here, the traffic is a huge stress for Ryan and the isolation has been a major source of anxiety for me. We have tried earnestly to plug into a church and find friends and that too has been one disappointment after another, draining us of energy. And all the added stress of everything that comes from living here has taken away from our marriage.
With Hannah Kate on the way we realized that if we have given it everything we have, and this is our quality of life... it's not the place for us.

HOWEVER, we do not believe that our move here was a mistake. Ryan and I both believe God was teaching us several good but hard life lessons all in one, before our first child arrives. Lots of good growing up, spiritually and just maturity wise.
We both miss our home and family and friends and church back in Austin. We know where we will stay (mostly) we know what church we will go (back) to, we will instantly reconnect with family and friends and those all seem like open doors to me!

Even just thinking about going home gives me a renewed frame of mind. I have been fighting off so much fear and anxiety about having my first baby so far away from the support I always pictured having!
And not ALL of that anxiety has left me as, to make that happen, the union back in Austin has to let Ryan transfer back in the middle of a school year, which, because they are a union, isn't looking so great. He makes the call tomorrow and we are just praying our butts off!
I really want to have Hannah Kate back home!

Here's hoping... and more importantly, praying! God can do big things! God does big things!

"Feels Like Home"

This weekend Ryan and I got to go down to Austin. The first time together since we moved back in June. The weather was absolutely PERFECT for October, and a rarity in Texas. Driving down 130, passing out Pecan Street exit and then the Kelly Lane exit and out shopping center etc, was very strange after being gone even only several months. And in Mom and Dad's neighborhood there are what feels like a hundred new homes and features!

My mom and sister and I spent Saturday registering Hannah Kate for all the fun and lovely things she will need. I think I look at my registry every day just to go over what I have picked out for her and imagine what it will be like when she is here.
Ryan and I are both getting so excited and it is SO precious to me to see how excited Ryan is to meet her! The other day he said "Come out Hannah, I want to see you." I had to remind him that we don't want her to come until February because she has much more baking to do but we are officially on the other half of the waiting game at 21 weeks. Just (about) 19 more weeks to go. But I do LOVE his Daddy heart and enthusiasm and I loved seeing him with his little niece and nephew. He loved seeing them!

But while we were out shopping for Hannah Kate, getting a girly lunch, and finding fabrics for Hannah Kate's custom designed crib bedding, Ryan was out with his best friend Scott, enjoying the amazing weather with some baseball and a man lunch. It was good for him!

Saturday afternoon we got to visit with Joe and Sara and Sofia and Joe and Ryan talked shop a bit. Work stuff and family/dad stuff. Joe asked Ryan a little about the permanency of his Job down here in Houston and if we plan on moving again. To which Ryan said: "If we move again, it will probably be down here."
This made my heart glad! I have been trying so hard to be content here and find good and joyful things about God's plan for us here but I never allowed myself the glimmer of hope that it might only be temporary. That maybe we will end up back home in the Austin area.

Sunday morning was relaxing and brought up some incredibly awesome conversations with my mom and dad and Ryan and I got excited for our future, and our growing little family. When Mom and Dad went to church we got ourselves some Starbucks and had some of our own really good conversations and decided we are not going to sell our home in Pflugerville.
It has been such a burden and stress to find a home here for the start of our family. And if we do decide to move back home, we have a place for us there. So my prayer is that God supplies the right renters until, (Lord Willing!) we get to make it our own again.

Ryan's job and education here are such a blessing and that plus the growth as individuals and in our marriage has been great. It hasn't been easy, or fun, but we are seeing good fruit. I do not doubt that this is where God has us for now. But once Ryan is done with school and is officially a journeyman, and we may have baby number 2 on the way, our options are open, and back home sounds like a good place to go from there!

After our lovely time at the Pumpkin Patch and getting to see Jeremy and Avery (Who make a stunning couple!) Ryan and I got back on the road. And as we passed by Pflugerville again I simply noted: "This is wonderful weather. This weekend has really made me miss it here. My whole family loves this time of year and relishes this kind of weather. This feels like home." I was not lamenting, just cherishing! And to my surprise my sweetie replied: "I miss it here too. I guess it is true, you don't know what you have until it's gone. But I think it helps that everyone in the family is now in a pretty happy, pretty healthy time in life."
Our conversation went all over the place after that and Ryan went on to tell me that he really does love Houston and I wouldn't expect anything less. I think the reason why I love Austin is because I grew up there, and most of my family is there. Why wouldn't Ryan feel that way about his hometown?

And we both agree that if we moved back to Austin in 3 to 5 years it wouldn't be because Houston didn't work out! It would be because that was the length of time our family needed to be in Houston! If not for the extreme growth in adulthood right before our first baby, or the most excellent teaching, training, and experience Ryan is getting as he works towards becoming a journeyman.

I just feel refreshed and patient and strong knowing that we may be going home, at least what I call home, sooner than I ever allowed myself to think.  :)

Happy October!!!

I LOVE this time of year! I want to wear sweaters that are orange and red and mustard yellow! I want to be outside in the mornings and evenings when it's like 70 degrees! I want to see pumpkins and taste apple carcinoma and pumpkin spice type treats. Mmmm!

Hannah Kate loves this type of stuff too! I've only actually felt her move inside of me twice until last night. I think I felt her two or three times last night alone! She must know we are going to see Gigi and Pops this weekend! :)

I got to talk to my big brother yesterday and that was very nice, we should do that more! But he's a very important, very busy person!

I have Christmas gift ideas pretty well planned out, and have already set aside gifts for my oldest brother, and my sister, her husband, and little M. I'm gonna say that's pretty good progress considering the lack of wish lists that need sent out!

My Bible Study is AMAZING! Now, I don't like to make infamous normal people like me, especially biblical teachers because the Bible talks about that, but I am really enjoying Beth Moore's study on James. And she was in Starbucks right before study. Apparently she has an office in Houston. I didn't see her, some other ladies did but it reminded me that, even if I had seen her, I wouldn't care. Just like I wouldn't really care if John Piper walked right up to me and asked for directions or something. Now if Jesus were in Starbucks, that would be a whole different story!
But anyways, this James study is SOOO good and I LOVE the structure and accountability of the workbook and homework. For me, daily Bible reading easily becomes a task to check off a list. When I have a work book with thought provoking questions, several verses to explore, and lots of writing to do, I really feel like I had a good quiet time!

I LOVE planning out Hannah Kate's room! It's proven to be a challenge with the furniture and limited funds but i get so excited to think about the time actually being here when the room I've had in my head for so long gets to come to life! ... if only we can get into a house... LOL

Which brings me to this! I'm going to see the investor house we have been talking about for a while. And if everything works out budget wise we will make an offer. Budgets are hard and there is a lot that affects a mortgage payment and here homeowners insurance is much more expensive than Pflugerville. Plus now there is mortgage insurance that wasn't around when we bought our first home. That adds like $130 a MONTH! So frustrating! But anyway, if we can get this house I will be so happy and be able to relax so much better!

Well, I'm rambling and have plenty to do today so I'll end here.

HAPPY OCTOBER AND FALL TIME!!!