Dear God,

I don't think anyone reads this anymore. Not that I can blame them, I wouldn't.
Lord, I don't even know where to begin.
Often times when I pray, I pray the same basic prayer. I thank you for the blessings you've given me, I ask for your blessings, I ask that you'd get George over here, give Justin a new and amazing job, I ask for your rest anf relief over my parents, I ask for your grace and wisdom and understanding in my relationships, and other little requests as I am aware of them.
Sometimes I pray just because I know I need to, or because I'm PLANNING on reading your word and feel like I should pray before opening it. Lately I don't ever get to that part. I don't want to read. I want to be like Jesus but I don't want to read your scriptures, the "how to" book for my goals.
I started thinking about this more... Why don't I want to read? I want to WANT to read... Because, I get so sick and tired of just being patient and trying to do everything right! I'm not hearing you! Where are you?
I'm so angry! I know you love your children and I know you have plans for us and are above all things. I don't care if we are chosen or free, if bad things happen because of sin or because of your greater plan, it doesn't matter, you're "sovereign" and I don't even always know what that means but I know there is nothing outside of your power! So why? Why do I feel as though you aren't listening? I know you're there. I know you're watching my brother cling to what he knows is true and look to you as he struggles with the frustrations of his job and the lack of change in his career. He's not he only one praying, we're lifting him up to you so why don't you do something? I know you see my sister's agony, I know you see her heart and our pain for her suituation, I know you are hearing the hundreds of prayers that people are praying just to get George here and make her feel whole again. I know you watch my mom tearfully read out loud her words to my dad wishing she could do something. I know you see my parents pray and read your word everyday. Asking for your guidance and wisdom, and I know you see me struggling to know where I'm supposed to be at any given moment as it relates to one person or another.
Why aren't you doing anything God? What the hell?! I don't feel like this on a regular basis but things are crazy. I feel so lonely. Am I really always doing something wrong or is that Satan trying to hit me while I'm down? Am I really a rock of offense to everyone? Or is that I lie that is beginning to feel like the truth?
Lord I am crying out to you in all honesty, no "this is how I should pray" no thought to specific words or how they might be taken.
You know my heart. You know my desires and I know you understand our human emotions and the self control we struggle to have over them.
I just don't understand.
Maybe it's a bad week. Maybe I'm just naive, or maybe I really am just an idiot and need to figure out how to get my act together, If that's the case I really need your help.
God I don't want to feel so seperated anymore. I don't want to feel like I only add hurt or dissapointment to people's lives. That's not in keeping with your son's example of life.
Father I am so sick of this! I just want to be done! I can't say the right thing, do the right thing, be there at the right time, ...
I don't even know what I'm doing on a day to day basis.
I wish I could fix everything for everyone. I wish I could be the exact opposite of what it feels like I am.
I don't want to be the one they put up with or only see every now and then. I don't want to be ... God do you hear me?
You know my heart.
Help me not to be angry, or bitter.
Give me ears to hear and eyes to see, a heart like yours and a mind to recieve.
Give my the discipline and dilligence to do hard things, right things, ever when I don't want to.
Father remind me of your love and mercy.
Give me faith and trust.
Make me more like your son.

In Jesus' Name
Amen

Preparing for Marriage

If you are married or looking into marriage please respond.

What is preparing for marriage? What works? Is premarital prep and counseling really about reading books and answering questions?
Honestly I like going through questions with my fiance. It kinda feels like a game!
How do we feel about this that and the other, who takes out the trash, turns off the lights, decorates the house, does the yard (once there is one.) These are great questions! Things you don't want to be surprised by once living together.
But I find myself with a list of books to read that keeps getting longer as people give their input. I don't mind reading, in fact, my job gives me plenty of time to do so but a lot of these books, I'd like to do WITH Ryan and he doesn't have the same availability.
I'm reading my word and thinking constantly about my roll as wife.
I think about how I'm going to cook, shop, do laundry, decorate our living space, respond to Ryan under all possible circumstances.
We've talked about the important stuff, we are CURRENTLY working on finances and discussing where and how we will live in a way that is wise and God-honoring.
But I somehow feel... unprepared.
I feel lonely... I think I'm selfish...
I've never EVER wished to be an only child! I can't imagine life any differently, BUT, when I think about some of the silly times I've had just me and mom and the questions I've been able to ask and the things I've found out...(YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE....) Sometimes when I come home I selfishly expect no one else to be there, for her to be in a happy mood, and for us to be able to talk.
But, I have several brother's and sisters, my mom has a lot on her plate, and sometimes I don't even have anything to talk about, I just feel more prepared to be a wife when I talk to my mommy... That sounds dumb but really it's because she is such a good wife I think I just want her to rub off on me.

In my dream world this is how it works:
Ryan's schedule is predictable and so our planning is so much easier.
I get off work and head home, open the door put my things away and sit down with my mom.
At that point we discuss some wedding planning and then it's class time. We talk about menu planning, grocery shopping, recipes, chores, fun things to do that don't cost money, how to stay on top of a budget, what to think about when planning honeymoon, family planning, etc.
In my dream world my mom does all the work... that's horribly selfish.
I never know when Ryan's going to be home or if he has something planned on the days I see him, I've kind of just learned to adjust to his schedule and I think I'll be better at it once we're married but we're still engaged and I still want time with my family and balancing things out, figuring out what I want and what I need to do to make it happen is hard.
Life is messy, I've never been naturally neat... me and life... make BIG messes.

Here's what I've learned. God places people and resourses in our lives at the right time for very good reasons. How and if we use them is up to us... sometimes the time in which we have these resourses is limited and we don't realize how long we've had them until we almost can't have them anymore... or maybe that's just me... wouldn't be surprised.

Finding a perfect Godly balance to living life isn't easy.
Relating to everyone in a Christ like manner despite how we feel or are treated or what the situation is... whatever... just isn't easy.
I'm human, I get mad, I feel hurt, I don't wanna be just as nice to my friend who's being difficult and harsh, as I do to my friend who's just sweet and easy to get along with.
That doesn't mean I don't love them equally. Or that I shouldn't treat them both with the same amount of love and grace.
God calls us to do hard things... I don't always get it but I'm sure there's some reason for it. ;)

How does one prepare for marriage? Where is the balance between the almost and the not yet. Almost everyone I know who's married went from living on their own to living with their spouse. And that's cool but I want a good picture of living at home and spending time with your family while still giving ample time to preparing with Mr. Fiance.
I want both parties to feel like they're getting enough of my love and attention and I want to feel like I'm getting enough of both parties without offending one or the other or both in the process.

God, you're a perfect God. Neat, organized, all knowing... why messy life? Really? Cant you clean it up and make it a bit simpler?
Or at least just show me how to navigate it.

Married? How's it going? What are the top 3 things you've learned since being married? What was the best thing you did to prepare?
What advice can you give me?

Some Lists

BOOKS I'M READING(or about to read)

-Living the Cross Centered Life
-Reforming Marriage (Part of premarital counseling.)
-Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover
-Love and Respect
-The Five Love Languages
-The Excellent Wife
-Preparing for Marriage
-So You Wanna Be Like Christ
-Costa Rica Vacationing

THINGS I'M GOING TO DO WITH MONEY (When I get it.)

-Pay off my credit card (and cancel it.)
-Buy some of the above books
-Register for my churches Women's retreat
-Buy some wedding music from itunes (gradually.)
-Revamp my wardrobe (Gradually, I have crappy clothes AND SHOES =(
-Work on a special project for my college bound friend (a shadow box)
-Start buying gifts for my special attendants (gradually.)

THINGS I'M DOING THIS WEEK (Lord Willing)

-Reading carefully and thouroughly through James and 1&2 Peter (My favorite books of the Bible and easily applicable to life. Lots of meat.)
-Spending good quality time in Prayer and quiet time w/ my savior
-Spending good (unplanned) quality time with my family
-Looking at and researching wedding venues and such things
-Working with and going on walks with Teige (the baby I care for)
-Swing Dancing w/ my fiance and small group
-Getting my oil changed (blah!)
-Getting a copy of my birth certificate (proving more difficult than expected)
-Studying and preparing with my fiance, and just having a good time.
-Personal Reading

Just Some Thoughts...

I've been off of my blog for a long time. I did some catching up with some of my fellow bloggers and it did me some good.
I can't not laugh when browsing through Mr A's posts. He's good for my heart.

So things in my life have been up and down lately.
I'm easily distracted, but no thank you I don't need a pill or an ADD label, I just need to focus.

To be honest the most common feeling I have right now is a sense of being torn. Or stretched.
I'm engaged, I'm very happy and looking forward to wedding day and every day to follow. But I'm sad, I'm dissapointed. I feel like crying when I think about how different, and how much better things would be right now IF...
If I had established better relationships,
If I had just worked on some relationships,
If I had stayed focused on Christ,
If I hadn't done that thing, or made those choices,
If I hadn't been who I was.
My life is full of mistakes and immaturity, and I know I can be naive. Life doesn't work without consequence and I think I just lose track of how memorable some of our actions can be to other people, other people affected by them.
And yet again I find myself in an inbetween. The already but not yet stage.
I've discovored I'm not very good at balancing things evenly.
I am learning how to be engaged, and it's not easy. In antisipation of getting married I tend to want to jump into things but I don't like not spending good time with my family.
And I want my fiance to be a part of my family but if things don't fall into place I can't force it. (It's like a puzzle peice.) And now as I'm seeing our future together, being one (like one puzzle peice) I'm trying to figure out where and how we refit into our families and communities etc.
I'm thinking about where we're going to live, how we're going to live, who's going to be a big part of our lives, what friends will we have what family will we be close to...

We talk a lot, ask a lot of questions and are trying to figure things out, but in the process of discussing how we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, things get complicated. We don't always understand each other right away and it's not always fun or easy. And all relationships take work and of course when you start thinking about living with another person things come up that wouldn't have before and you learn through that process.

I guess I just can't help but wish things were different. And I don't mean to sound ungreatful. I love my fiance more than I ever thought I could love a person and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. But I pray for several things on a regular basis and am having a hard time seeing God's plan in all of it.
God why isn't my sister's fiance here?
Why doesn't my brother have a different job?
Why isn't there more security in my dad's job?
I ask for wisdom and understanding on a DAILY basis but just keep seeing myself fall on my face over the simplist things.
I pray for financial blessing and wisdom, for preperation and overall just Christ-likeness and a God-centered life for me and Ryan and I can't help but feel nervous about it. I know it's not going to be easy, I don't really want it to be but I would like a little assurance, and I have faith. I think everything's going to be fine, I just didn't have the eyes to see things as realistically as I do now, and that's good because I'm thinking and praying and seeking and reading and doing all that I know to do!

My hearts desire is to be a child of God that pleases the father. A biblical wife, virtuous woman, and whole hearted follower of Christ.

I feel like a little girl playing dress up. I know I have a lot more learning and maturing to do, I still have a ways to grow, but sometimes I just wish that when God's hand seems far he would just show it to me in some small way. Remind me that everything really is okay. I know it is, I believe God is in control and has a plan for me and Ryan, for my brother and sister, and parents. I don't always understand it but ... it's there.

This Is Where I Am

I am currently at work, (The baby is sleeping.)
I am currently working for a women who asks a lot of questions about my life and I hope and pray that what I speak and how I live is honorable to Christ.
I am currently in a place where, for the past several weeks I was praying and asking for Gos just to speak to me. It had been quiet, my readings and most (not all) the sermons I heard still left me hungry and thirsty and now...
I am currently in a place where I am hearing so much, seeing so much that needs to be changed its incredible but it's rough because it's so much that it's all jumbled up and I need to think it out and figure out what to do first and how to go about making my life more like Christ's
But still, I am currently in a place where I can hear.
I am currently in a place where I can feel conviction,
I am suddenly more aware of all the things I was working on and just forgot about or let go of along the way.
I am... currently relying on God to show me how I should live.
And I pray that my focus and my will stays right here, completely devoted to my savior.



YOU ARE

on my knees in your presence, I call out your name
Father, please see my effort, I need your grace.
I have the desire to follow you comepletely,
But I'm lacking the strength to let go of everything.

But father you are, all that I need,
Father you are, my strength when I'm weak.
You are life, you are hope,
You are joy, You're my home,
and I'm giving you all that I am

I'll let go of my plans and my selfish desires
Father, you're what I want, come and kindle this fire.
I'm giving you all of me, every insecurity,
I want you to define me, and for the whole world to see
I am yours, I am yours

father you are, all that I need,
father you are, my strength when I'm weak
You are life, you are hope,
You are joy, you're my home,
and I'm giving you all I am

I'll let go of my greed and my thoughts full of vanity
'Cause father you're all I need and you are true beauty
Make me humble & gentle with a heart just like yours
Break my pride, make me less so that you become more.
I need you more, I need you more.

Father you are, all that I need
Father you are, my strength when I'm weak.
You are life, you are hope
you are joy, you're my home,
and I'm giving you all that I am
Help me give you all that I am
Help me live with all that I am,
only for you.

It's been a long time since I blogged. I feel like I've been learning a lot! And now things are slowing down a bit so I have time to stop and take it all in.
In the past month or two a lot has happened:
I lost my job,
I started school,
I got engaged,
I found a job,
and I finished school.

I learned a lot about photography and the human eyes and brain. I've learned a lot about relationships and my spiritual walk with Christ.
I'm continuing to learn and relearn new things every day which is something I need to keep in mind. I'm always learning, whether I realize it or not.

One of the most powerful ways for me to learn something is the least enjoyable way.
Conviction. I learn a lot about myself and my God when I feel an overwheling conviction. It puts me back in my place, humbles my heart once again, and reminds me who I am and why I'm here and how great and mighty our god is.

My most recent conviction is this:
Theology and Study. This has SEVERAL different aspects to it. I was at church just yesterday evening and heard the first of a new sermon series called 20 questions. Each sermon addresses a doctrine as a question and by answering.
Yesterday's sermon was: Why Study Theology?
I started to tune out automatically because when I think theology I think old stuffy men, giant unreadable texts, argumentative people and concepts I can't comprehend.
It's daunting really and not at all interesting to me in that way. It feels like the part of school I'd be destined to struggle with.
But the word Theology was redefined as "Knowing God and thinking his thoughts after him." This is a MUCH better picture in my head. I don't want to know books or other people's opinions on difficult and inapplicable topics. I want to know my savior, my heavenly father, and have a good understanding of all that he is and does and will continue to do. However there is still this huge block, this "Study" thing, this "understanding" aspect to it all.
I'm gonna be totalloy honest, it's REALLY difficult for me to read much of the Bible. It's hard for me to grasp the point or the purpose in a lot of passages or figure out how to apply it to my everyday life. I often times come away feeling stupid or inadequate. I don't want to be one of those Christians Paul talks about who have been saved so long that they should be teachers but can still only handle milk. I give up too easily. I feel defeated when I don't understand something and stupid for having to ask and I get frustrated because of those feelings and get to the point where I really just don't even want to read my Bible! But that's not right, I know that's not right. I'm never going to learn or comprehend things if I don't give it the time and effort it needs. Maybe I need a study Bible, some references, and a study ethic. I need to learn how to study, I mean really study my Bible. Not just read it and check it off the list not even retaining what I read, I mean reading and KNOWING God's word.
I pray for wisdom, discernment, and understanding nearly every day but don't do anything to get there. I'm not training myself or teaching myself any of these things or even really making the effort and that needs to change.
We are to have a real relationship with our heavenly father, and just like any relationship, it won't get deep and intimate if you don't get to know each other. God already knows all there is to know about me. But have I really taken the time to get to know him? Have I devoted enough time to prayer and study to really know him, to become sensitive to the Holy Spirit, to know when he's speaking into my life and how to live as a light unto the world, to go and make disciples, be a true witness?
I don't think I have. And this is my conviction. I should be doing all of these things confidently. I should know MUCH more than I do. I have had access to the Bible since I was able to read and there are people risking their lives just to get their hands on one and read it.
How selfish and self centered I've realized I am.
Giving up on such important things without even thinking about it. Why? Because it's too hard. Because it's uncomfortable. Because it makes ME feel stupid.
What I child. And to think we have such a patient merciful God, watching over us, guiding and waiting for us to see what life is really about.
Not me, not my feelings or desires. But Him. His will, and His kigdom.
I think it was John who said: I must decrease so he may increase. (Or something like that.)