2 weeks in...

Hannah Kate is 2 weeks old today. It's hard to believe that just 2 weeks ago we were in the hospital, I delivered this little girl and we were just in shock that she was here and ours.

That seems like it was just yesterday and yet so far away from today. We have had several visitors, lots of meals, groceries, gifts etc delivered and then suddenly, real life just sort of fell in my lap. My husband went back to work, my mom started her awesome new job and every family member who planned to visit during these first few weeks has.
It's just me and Hannah Kate now.

I have mixed feelings about this. I love my baby girl more than I can express, and I am so blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom, but I'm still learning and trying to get used to this new life and if I'm completely honest, I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job.

I think it's accurate for me to say that my greatest struggle in life has always been controlling my emotions. And I don't simply mean being moody or hormonal. It's easy for me to feel overwhelmed, alone, afraid, unworthy or unqualified etc. and I think the physical aspect of my not being pregnant any more and the hormonal changes I'm going through, as well as being severely sleep deprived is making this personal battle even more difficult.
I am trying to focus on Christ and getting sleep where I can and reminding myself that a lot of my emotions are completely normal for a new mommy, especially a new mommy who is prone to emotional stress.
I'm trying to remember to spend more time with Jesus but I have to admitt my brain is pretty fuzzy during the day and when I'm not feeding my baby I'm trying to sleep when she does and pick up my house or take a shower and I forget until I'm on the verge of tears for stupid little reasons.

I bought an Easter dress the other day in hopes of creating a gorgeous family photo on Easter. Hannah Kate has her dress ready and Ryan has a great button down shirt. I chose a dress with "distractions" in the tummy area and in a size that would usually be much to big for me. I fit in it but it was not at all flattering! And when I looked in the mirror I realized, none of my clothes are flattering on me any more. Not even maternity clothes. I can't hide or  disguise my baby pooch and my extra chins are obvious no matter how I do my hair and make up.
I was warned about the pressure to get back in shape right after baby and how and when to go about it in ways that are healthy for me and my nursing baby; so I thought I was prepared and would just remind myself of my plan and just be careful until I could put my plan into play.
I had no idea I would feel this way. I know I'm extra sensitive to my weight and external appearance. I do my best to remind myself that my worth has nothing to do with my appearance but it's just another one of those things that makes me feel like less of a person.

Over the past 7 months I feel like God has really been strengthening me in these weak places in my life and I felt like I was making great progress in growth and my husband even commented on it and I don't know if it's the lack of sleep and hormones but I feel like I've lost a lot of that strength and perspective that made me feel stronger than my emotional weaknesses.

Other people's feelings or opinions of me are more haunting and hurtful than they should be and Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Why is it suddenly so upsetting to me that not everyone is going to agree with my opinions and or decisions when several weeks ago I was perfectly fine and standing strong?

I feel an inordinate amount of pressure even now with my daughter being so young, to show her a strong Biblical woman. A Proverbs 31 woman who is confident in who she is because of Christ in her life, not what she looks like and not based on what other people think. But a long with that I feel like I need to take pride in my appearance and take care of myself and the balance of being healthy and presenting myself in a way that is attractive to my husband etc and obsessing over it and being consumed by it is a very fine line for me. And a struggle, especially when I'm struggling emotionally in general.

I have all these unrealized expectations of my husband that I cannot seem to realize until they go unmet. I'm trying my best not to be cranky or nagging because he can't read my mind and know what I want and expect from him, especially if I don't even know!
I'm afraid of letting things get between us because he's not here as much as I want him to be but that's not his fault and he has a huge responsibility as the provider of our family but with school 2 nights a week and certain chores that needed to be done right now while we have a newborn, like repairing a wind damaged fence or renewing the past due stickers on our van etc.

So I guess what I'm needing to purge here is that I feel like I'm not doing a great job as a person. Im not being as patient or understanding towards my husband as I should be, my house could use a lot more of my attention, I'm struggling with how to stimulate my tiny little baby during the day, to really connect with her in some way and not just let her sleep in my lap or my arms or in a crib.

I am way more unattractive than I was prepared for and feel really ashamed about that and my lack of control over my emotions. I want my daughter to be strong and confidant and I am afraid that I won't be a good example for her.

Im hoping this is just a normal stage of new mommy adjustment.