STOP!!!.... Slow down to think on things...

So... I tend to be the kind of person who will live day to day, in the moment, out of ... well everything else.
It gets to the point sometimes where I can't even complete my own thoughts. Thus I'm inspired by Mr. A to post a "Random Thoughts" blog.
Thanks Mr. A!

I'm sick right now. And I hear I probably will be sick on and off for the next three months before my immune system gets used to being around 12 little children with runny noses, and coughs and sneezes that are never covored, 5 days a week. Time to put on my big girl panties.

We're moving! We are actually going through with it this time... has it REALLY set in? I don't think so.... I need to get better at keeping things spotless, I'm a forgetful person and not very on top of things when I'm sick... Remember the in the moment day to day statement a minute ago? ... yeah.... SORRY MOM!

I wish I knew how to chill out more. I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and stress and I'm not even sure where half of it is coming from.

My relationship with Christ is lacking... on my part of course. I'm losing motivation and desire... I feel like a bad Christian. I love to pray and be on with God... just don't like reading my Bible all the time... That needs work... starting tonight.

I want to have more discipline in every aspect of my life.

I want to learn how to save money! I mean REALLY save money.

I want to have more time for photography. I'm really hoping that will take off here pretty soon.

My work is trying to make me fat with all the kid food they feed me. It's time to start pushing away the plates.

Dr Pepper bottles are really cool toys for little kids if you fill them up with water, food coloring, and glitter!

I sleep more than I have in a very long time and am very god with sleep hygiene... why do I still feel tired? Why am I still struggling to sleep ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT?

I have an INCREDIBLE boyfriend.

I'm in love with him.

He's in love with me.

The L-bomb has officially been dropped.

40 hours a week is a lot different than I imagined it.

I can't wait for my health insurance to kick in.

By the time I have my own kids, I should have things down.

I'm going to enjoy being a wife and mother.

I love my mom... and the rest of my family.

I'm tired.

I need a shower.

I need to read my word and spend time with God.

Untitled

Shaking, shaking, shaking beneath our feet,
the earth is shaking, shaking beneath our feet.
Trembling, trembling, the world is trembling in fear.
Trembling, trembling, afraid of losing all that we hold dear.
Darkness, darkness, lurking behind corners,
Darkness is creeping down the streets.
Come home, come home, and lock all the doors,
Come in, stay in, don't leave me.
People get desperate, desperate without the Love,
the Love that we have.
People will get desperate and things will get bad.
Signs in every front yard, dad's at every job fair.
Life is gonna be be hard, and everyone will share,
in a piece of the misfortune that was served when man first fell.
The things we call unfortunate cannot compare with hell.
The hell of the pasts we may hold, the hell that may wait for some.
There's a hell that's bound to the lost man's soul, the hell that I've been rescued from.
This cannot compare with any hell I know of, but what comfort is that really?
This is still real, it's still here, and I can't say that it doesn't bother me.
My heart, it shakes, in fear of what's to come.
My heart, it breaks, for those who are worse off.
Perhaps things have to be dark for the world to see the light.
Perhaps everything must lose taste before salt is once again recognized.
Maybe the world must feel fear once again, to understand how small and helpless we all are.
Maybe God is pulling closer the world that walked so far.
Who can know heaven? Who can understand?
Who sees God's limits, and know all His plans?
Where have we placed our hope? As a planet, as a con tenant, as people.
Where do we go? When faced with trouble, hardship, and fear.
How do we endure the less pleasant pieces of life?
If our hearts our troubled and we get to the end of ourselves, to the last of our strength, will we recognise a power much bigger than our own?

Things I've Learned, or ARE Learning

I work in childcare. I am an assistant teacher in a class for 18-24 month olds and it teaches me quite a bit!

Quite a few of our kids like to learn by exploring. I've seen kids do things that they know will most likely hurt, or try something scary at least one time, they put lots of different things in their mouth to learn what it tastes like, and many other things of this sort.
This is what I would call exploretive learning.
Many of us learn by doing. We're what people call "Hands On"
Well, you guessed it, I happen to be one of these types of people. And I have definately been exploring and learning a lot in the past week or so.

Some things I've learned are:

- I don't handle a lot of change at one time as well as I would like.
- I'm more attatched to THINGS than I think maybe I should be.
- I'm suseptible to illness if caughed/sneezed on by children several times.
- I REALLY miss my man when he goes away.
- I can keep a house and care for a dog by myself fairly well. (Even a house that BOYS live in!)
- When I get really busy, tired, and or stressed... I don't spend as much time with God aas I should. (And under those circumstances I should be spending MORE time with God.)
- I'm more of a perfectionist than I realized and hate feeling like a mediocre worker/family member/girlfriend etc.
- My confidence is in Christ and Christ alone and I tend to be more ensecure and anxious when I'm not as strong spiritually.
- God's peace is the only thing that makes everything "All Better!"
- Relying on God isn't as difficult as I make it sometimes...(Other times it really is just hard.)
- God gave us special people to rely on and be there for when going through difficult time.
- I'm SUPPOSED to face hardship and sometimes just have to be patient.
- I'm not very patient.
- I can work a full time job pretty well! =)
- God gives us passions for a reason.
- When I'm tired of waiting for God I jump ahead and make a mess... this usually costs me money...
- God is bigger than the boogie man, selling a house, a new job, a new relationship, anxiety, stress, tiredness etc. FOR REAL

Valentine's Day 2009

I haven't been keeping up with my blog as well as I should be but life has been absolutely crazy these past few weeks.

Let's talk about today, Valentine's Day:
About a week ago I had a conversation with Ryan, (My one and only) and we discussed this holiday. I understood that Ryan had a hard time really grasping the idea of such a celebration. "We're only supposed to go all out in love and affection one day a year? I don't need a holiday to show you my love." He had a point. The holiday doesn't really have any biblical significance however and am a hopeless romantic and absolutely love Valentine's Day! I see it as more of a reminded to be thankful for the love that God has given us. The love of a father sending His son to die for our sins, the love that God has given us to give to Him and those around us, the love we receive from family, friends, and significant others. God is love, he created love, and gave it to us as a gift! Why not celebrate!?
To get to my point, Ryan and I viewed this day very differently, but I figured it didn't really matter this year anyways since he had planned a trip to Colorado with a friend since before we started our courtship. He wasn't even going to be here.

Ryan left on Wednesday afternoon and we've kept in touch ever so slightly with short phone calls and texts. (His phone's not getting great reception.)
This morning I got out of the shower to find a delivery had come for me.
Fresh flowers in the most gorgeous arrangement! The vase holding the pink and red flowers had a photo album wrapped around it. It was beautiful, thoughtful, and just for me! I have been talking about this gift all day!
The gift itself was sweet, but it's the fact that Ryan chose to do something on Valentine's Day because it was important to me, even though he didn't share the same view. What a guy! =)

Moving along to catch up...
I started my new full time job at Primrose on Friday! I love it! I really like working with the kids, my coworkers are sweet and enjoy work just as much as I do, the days go by quickly and I just love my job!
It is the first time I've worked 40 hours a week, and things are getting out of hand.
I've been praying for more direction in my life because I've noticed important aspects of my life are struggling.
I decided to ask God to help me reevaluate and the question that formed in my mind was: "What did I start for ME and what did I get into with Christ as my focus?"
My full time job feels right. When I work with kids in this amazing environment I feel like I have a career not just a job. I love what I do and I'm good at it, it feels natural and I can't get up every day, hold these kids in my arms, pick them up when they fall down, teach them life skills, etc. and not think about our awesome creator. My bosses are Christians and very interested in my life, the pay and benefits are just what I need right now and I see and feel God in every aspect of this adventure.
School... I took on this semester's load with the thought that I would pursue social work. I had two part time jobs that left me with a lot of free time and now prospects or clear direction for my future. Well, ALL of that has changed now! I not only have a prospect but an amazing boyfriend and now a full time job that very well could be my career. I don't want to spend the next 5 years in school and I don't want to be a social worker. I want to be a stay at home mom! So I find myself stressing out and struggling to meet deadlines do homework and e-mail professors when I barely have the energy just to keep my eyes open, and for what? I have no idea! God was never a part of my plans for school, I just got tired of waiting. But now I see one of my passions is taking form in a possible money making opportunity, (that being photography,) and that's something I could do even after marriage and children. I don't need a degree to work at Primrose, and I've proven that I don't need a degree to be a good photographer, so why am I killing myself trying to keep up with classes, work, a social life, and time for my creativity?
Short answer: I'm an idiot.
Come Monday I'm dropping the rest of my class load. I probably won't get much money back but at least I can stop paying into it and I'll have so much more time to breathe and enjoy life.
Just thinking about it is making me feel more relaxed.
I feel like God is opening doors and revealing more and more of my suture to me as I learn to let go and trust Him. However I am convicted that I've let my insanely over scheduled life get in the way of my personal relationship with Him, and that is NOT okay.
This week is all about reorganizing. Today I was reminded of what a blessing love is. I'm very thankful for the love that fills my life.
It seems there is an outpouring everywhere I go and only God can arrange such a lovely thing like that.
For the rest of 2009 I want my focus to be centered on Christ and all that He has for me, secondly I want my attention to be on my relationships, and thirdly, I want to work on my careers. Teacher/Caretaker and photographer, no school involved. =) Boy that makes me happy! I've never been a stellar student nor have I ever really enjoyed school. God knew that all along. I wonder how much time He spends laughing or shaking His head at our silly mistakes. :P LOL

Things are always going to be crazy at some level, life will never be in my control as I would have it, but God knows all and has it in His hand, therefore, despite whatever circumstance... LIFE IS GOOD!

Spiritualt Realms and Warfare

Visual people like myself don't seem to have a ability to skim over topics like spiritual warfare and spiritual realms.
What does that look like?
I've thought about it several times over and even though I'm sure I'm probably way far off, picturing what I'm going through in a "Screw tape Letters" type way has proved some what beneficial.
For instance...

I am aware that one of my greatest weaknesses is fully relying on God for acceptance, worth, and control. (Meaning, HE is in control INSTEAD of me.) I feel very tried and anxious when... oh I don't know... let's just say everything I'm used to and comfortable with gets thrown out the window... so what would a crazy circumstance like that look like?

Suddenly feeling like my schedule must change.
Suddenly not so sure about college direction.
New job and current/old job balance.
The house I grew up in and have lived in for the past 12 years being put on the market.
The house constantly going through changes.
My room being perfect in someone Else's expectations, and somehow not feeling like my little place anymore.
Feeling like I can't keep up in school.
My best behaved student being diagnosed with cancer at only 3yrs old,
Lack of sleep,
Worry for Dad's job
Credit card and phone bills due.
Debts that need paid off,
and not enough money to do it.

How about that? That looks like a good enough random list that might make a person feel a little anxious, right?

Okay so now we have:
~our character: Me
~the character's weaknesses: Control, Acceptance, Worth, and Lack of Faith
~and now we have the circumstance the character is in: (See the stress listed above)

Let's translate this into a visual version of spiritual warfare:

It's dark, cold, and quiet. Whispers are heard from every direction. I walk carefully forward, looking every which way, trying to be aware of anything that could hinder me. A sharp hissing is heard and red smoke comes up from the darkness in front of me, revealing a creature of hideousness.
"Turn around child," He says to me. "Save yourself time and agony. You CAN'T do this. You are a known failure, worthless in every way."
I stop for a moment and ponder. Mustering up my strength I push through the creature and it vanishes.
I keep walking in the blackness, placing one foot in front of the other, the only way I know to keep moving.
The whispering gets louder until I hear hissing in my ear. I turn to face... nothing. There's no one there but the hissing still comes from just over my shoulder.
"You've never succeeded in this before. What makes you think you can now?"
"I walk not by my own strength." I reply, still walking. The hiss continues,
"You have many more weaknesses than strengths, so much to get done and absolutely no control. Your room is not your own, you have no sanctuary. Your freedom has been stripped. Don't you know if you had one little thing to control all by yourself you would feel better."
"Even in my weaknesses God can be glorified. He will provide, He's in control so I don't have to be. My room is not my own, nothing is. God has given me all I have and can take it away at will. My freedom is in Christ not things. Control on this earth is meaningless, it will all pass away."
The hissing fades to a whisper again and my stride feels stronger. I walk faster.
A roar of fire flashes to my left and then to my right. Two more creatures to face.
"Come and follow me, turn from your path, I will make you beautiful and all the world will love you." I turn to my right and face the creature. Suddenly it's gorgeous, it smiles enticingly.
"Do not love the world or the things in the world..." I begin to recite.
"Stop!" The creature screams. "You know you desire beauty and acceptance. You are wretched, unloved, and denied!"
"Beauty is fleeting, acceptance from the world is not for God's children, and you are a liar. Away with you!" The creature vanishes and I feel even stronger. Then a tug from the left brings my attention to the other creature.
"Come with me and I will give you success. I will give you natural intelligence, and talents beyond your wildest dreams. You will be rich and worth much."
"Away with you!" I yell in defiance, confident in my stance. "My talents are God given, my purpose is in Him and my treasure is with Him in heaven."
The creature vanishes and here I am, back in my room... typing this blog... about to read my Bible, pray, and go to sleep.

Perhaps this blog is random, maybe slightly dangerous because of it's slightly dark content, but I feel like when I can visualize something, understand the enemy's strategy just a little bit more, I am more prepared for battle.

There's a reason so many preachers use stories and visual aides in their sermons. We think and respond differently to such things.
In the right dosage, and content, I think it's beneficial.
So take it for what it is, the weekend is already here and another week is about to start, take hold of something sturdy *cough* CHRIST *cough* and be prepared for anything!

The journies I've taken,
the roads I have traveled,
Mark my very being.
The love I'd forsaken,
The thoughts I unraveled,
Are still very much a part of me.

You took this weary heart,
This life I had given up on,
pulled me close to you and called me your own.
You saw me fall apart,
Knew the path I chose was wrong,
Still you showed me grace, took my hand and led me home.

That journey wasn't easy,
I had to reconcile all I had done,
But you never left, there by my side.
You took my guilt and cleansed me,
You changed who I'd become,
Your hand upon my shoulder you told me "You are mine."

Then life had a whole new meaning,
I saw the world anew.
And found you were so much more than I realized.
You poured on me your blessings,
You helped me know your truths.
You taught me how to seek, and showed me I would find.

I found comfort,
Finally felt that all was well,
Assured in your shelter, I was confident.
Now I'm pulling inward,
I feel like the waters have begun to swell,
I call out your name but you seem silent.

The ground is shaking beneath my feet,
All that I know is changing.
The control I gave up screams to me but there's nothing I can do.
I don't understand, I cannot see.
My mind, my thoughts are racing.
I try so hard but I can't seem to grasp just how to trust in you.

Hear my cries,
Lord speak to me,
Show me you are near.
You told me, "You're mine"
Lord reveal yourself to me,
speak so I can hear.

I can endure if it's your plan,
I can have faith if you show me.
The control belongs to you, you have the power.
I can hold on, just give me your hand.
I will trust you, just hold me.
I can let go, let you take control, You are my strong tower.

Lord give me your peace,
Lend me your strength,
Give me fath that does not fail.
God, you are my king,
Father, you keep me safe,
You are over all and in you I will prevail.

Thank you God,
How your love rains down,
How your mercy is reborn every day.
Thank you God,
That your righteousness is found,
That your justice forever will reign.

Blessed is the name of the Lord,
My father and comforter.
Blessed is the almighty king.
Blessed is He with His sword,
Greatest warrior, and my protector.
Blessed is the King above all things,
My omnipotent friend, full of holiness,
There is none Him.
Amen