It's been a while since my last blog post. There is a reason for that. Things have gotten pretty crazy around here... unfortunately one of those "things" is me.
Prepare yourself for a therapeutic spew of sorts. (Therapeutic for me, sorry, not you.)
First; we decided to officially leave our home church. This was a difficult decision that we had been praying about for 2 months and felt like God answered through a sting of circumstances that are quite uncommon at said church and the timing was just "bad" according to our family pastor. Ryan explained over the phone that he felt like that timing was God's answer for us and that we harbor no ill feelings towards the church and see great things coming from said church. But a number of things just weren't adding up to the specific needs of our family in this time in our lives.
We parted on good terms, and I know God is leading us to find our church home/family but this was HARD. Ryan and I have basically been looking for a permanent church home since we got married. We have been looking for good friends to grow our family with, to encourage, and be encouraged by. Accountability partners, coffee dates, true friends. Ryan and I are VERY different in our church preferences. E.G
I like topical preaching, he prefers expository,
Worship is very important to me, I want something contemporary and skilled, People praising Jesus is all the same to him.
I've been burned by lots of churches in the past that makes me a little more picky (maybe judgemental if I'm honest) and warry about finding a church.
We both decided we want our church to be in our city so Pflugerville it is.
We both would like for there to be good Men and Women's ministries but especially Women's as I could really use more outlets and support while He is working.
I haven't left Hannah Kate in a Nursery yet so this feels like taking steps backwards because how am I supposed to feel safe leaving her for the first time in a church we haven't been going to for long?
And the anxiety ensues.
Also, Ryan got set up with a home warranty company as an independent contractor for his business. Apparently it started on Saturday because he got 4 calls in 48 hours as well as a friend of ours who's AC went out completely. They have two little girls and it was HOT. So Ryan worked all through the weekend and has side jobs after work today and tomorrow and that's if he doesn't receive more calls.
I have mixed feelings about all this. We both feel like a massive wave just came down on us, but it's like we have been in a drought before said wave so it's appreciated but a tad overwhelming.
I went with Ryan to our friends house while he fixed their AC and got to see him at work. He LOVES helping people. He LOVES residential work. He is good at it, he is satisfied by it and we both loved that we were able to help our friends, who are foster parents, keep those little girls cool without having to spend hundreds of dollars.
This kind of work is a ministry as well as a business and I could just see my husband thriving in it this weekend. I heard him on the phone with a customer helping him trouble shoot a diagnosis and his customer service and communication skills are excellent and he is so knowledgeable and honest. This fills me with pride. I LOVE these things about my husband. His work is hard, sacrificial, uncomfortable and when it's helping people, families, he feels so rewarded. I can't wait for him to get to do this full time. It's night and day different from working on Commercial HVAC.
What I'm not really excited about is how much he's going to be gone now, and how physically tired he will be when he comes home. (Selfish much? Yes!) But he has made it clear that while quantity of time may be difficult for a while he wants to make sure the time he does have with me and Hannah Kate is quality time. (What a man I have!) I will and am already missing my husband, and it is REALLY hard to have long days alone with a 6 month old who's sleeping habits are down right frustrating.
Which brings me to my next spew. I have been pleading with God, doing my research, watching my child closely, trying to stick to schedules and consistency to help both of us sleep better and longer and while we have good days... I can't seem to get anything to stick! This is one of the most frustrating aspects of life at the moment. (Or maybe it just feels that bad because I'm tired all the time.)
So in dealing with all of this anyone might be a little stressed and emotional right? (Someone say yes just for my sake.)
But I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit that yesterday my poor husband had to help me get a hold of my emotions and point out that in a matter of a few hours I had gone from happy and excited about the business taking off and the money coming in to angry and frustrated with him for not helping me with something when and how I expected and with Hannah Kate not taking a nap, and then I got all sad and emotional about God only knows what... This isn't the first time this has happened and it makes me feel like a Psycho. My only comfort is that I can pretty much always take a step back and realize my emotions or moods are unreasonable. When Ryan asked me what was going on yesterday I pretty much burst into tears and told him I was a freak with hormone issues and didn't even really know why I was feeling the way I was... Poor Ryan.
I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist a week from today. I know extreme mood swings are a side effect of insulin resistance and PCOS so I really hope she can help me figure something out. I feel like the added stress of life is making all my endocrine issues worse and I'm trying so hard to stay in control of my emotions... see? I sound like a crazy woman again...
This thing is hard for me to deal with some days. Today is one of those days.
But to think about the silver lining, all of Ryan's work is providing us with the means to get a YMCA membership and one of the keys to living healthy is consistent exercise. Which is also great for stress, they have great childcare that my sister trusts which makes me feel better about leaving Hannah Kate for an hour so I can work out. This also means I get a break on long days that Ryan isn't home.
I'm also planning on getting into some Mom's programs and Bible Studies this fall to make sure I stay spiritually grounded and focused on God as well as just getting some support and added outlets in the midst of this crazy life.
Whew! I think I got it all out... now my mind doesn't feel so cluttered and I feel like my emotions just took a deep breath. Haha (Crazy much?)
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