1 Month Old!

Yesterday Hannah-Kate turned a month old. (I didn't post because the day was busy and I didn't have any recent pics to post!) Like these!

We saw Dr Seeker yesterday, (the best OB/fertility specialist EVER) and he was thrilled to see Hannah-Kate. He is pretty sure, just by looking at her, that she is about 11 pounds now! We will weigh her today and see, but i wouldn't be surprised! She is thriving!

And apparently I'm all healed up! I've been given the OK to resume ALL normal activities. Nothing is off limits and no more restrictions! I can have my relaxing baths again! With bath salts and and my favorite body washes and other bath accessories, I can start working out again, though I've been advised to ease back into it. I'm thrilled with my appointment because not only do I get to resume normal activities but I don't have to have any uncomfortable procedures and all abnormalities that were a concern before, are gone! I don't have another appointment until July (for an annual check up.)

I had fun doing a little photo shoot with Hannah-Kate today but I think I'm going to schedule a family photo at a studio this week. We also want to get some family pictures on Easter at Gigi and Pops' house. My sweet little girl is only this little once. Even though I'm not getting much sleep and that can make me kinda grumpy and impatient, I love my precious daughter more than words can express and I am cherishing this time.

The Sleeping Roller Coaster

We are so blessed to have a generally peaceful, content, snuggly baby. And blessed that she sleeps a lot as well. I just wish we could get more of a pattern going on.

We will get several nights in a row where she is mostly sleeping at 3 hour intervals and then we fall off the wagon and have nights where it's near impossible just to get her down for an hour or so.
This is wearing on me.
I've been trying to sleep while she is napping during the day but other things nag my brain. Like the mess we made doing bath time this morning because she was hungry right then, the diapers that need put together on my bed, the laundry that needs moved, the dishes that need done, and my grumbly tummy that reminds me I haven't eaten recently which is followed by the need to track my eating on Weight
Watchers.

This morning I took a nap in a bed full of clean laundry, half dressed, damp from milk and spit up; because let's face it, I'd rather be in a good mood when Ryan comes home and explain why things didn't get done, than have a perfectly clean home and be so exhausted that I have no energy or patience for him or the baby the rest of the night.

We are getting one heck of an awesome video monitor tomorrow (Or so the tracking says)
It's all digital so I won't have the same image skipping or audio static issues I hard with our old cheap monitor. The screen is about the size of a smart phone and can move the camera remotely. It's also portable with a clip so I can wear it around the house. It even has a talk button to speak into Hannah Kate's room from another part of the house.

I'm really looking forward to this because, last night, one of my biggest issues with getting sleep was that I kept thinking Hannah Kate was up and about to cry for food because of her constant sleep grunting and other loud noises she makes while she is fast asleep.
Ryan sleeps through these cute little noises. I do not.

And once we have a reliable monitor set up in her room and get back to the 3 hour sleeping blocks, we are going to transition her to her own room. I've already started putting her down for naps in her own crib and I think she is more comfortable there than in the pack and play. (The mattress certainly is softer, thicker, and much more expensive!) And the rocker in her room is so much quieter, smoother, and comfortable in her room than the one in our room.

It makes me anxious to think of her on the other side of the house, alone, in the dark... but at the same time, if we both get better sleep, and I have the technology to keep an eye on her, it really is better for all of us.

Plus, once I am feeling more rested, or at least adjusted to less sleep, I'm going to take the monitor out to the garage so I can get on the treadmill and slowly work my way into a healthy exercise routine.

I still haven't completed my Easter outfit and I'm not as pleased with it as I'd like to be but I'm facing reality by realizing that no outfit I wear will magically make my body look like it did a year ago. So I'm just going to focus on being healthy for my little girl and find clothes that are as flattering as possible for right now and slowly work my way back to my smaller body.

Hannah Kate has officially outgrown all of her newborn sized sleep clothes. When she stretches her feet straight they pull at her neck, and the snap up ones don't snap between her legs anymore.
We have a few 0-3 sized things but I'll be looking for more snap up sleep and play outfits tomorrow.

Hannah Kate will be 4 weeks old tomorrow, and we will be 2 weeks away from the big 6 weeks mark. Her first church experience will be Easter Sunday!
Ryan and I are SO ready to get back to church and small group. I really need to make some young mommy friends. Ryan is back in the swing of school and is in the process of getting his license and insurance to work residential AC outside of Johnson Controls which means he will be even more busy for a while and in my mind that means being alone for far longer than I can handle, (especially with a newborn.)
Making friends as an adult is difficult and awkward for me.
I don't remember ever having to make friends as a kid, they just kind of.. happened.

I'm looking forward to Easter. It's been a while since the whole family was together and Hannah Kate has never experienced anything like a Big Lunch so it should be fun, and interesting!

Expectations Vs Goals

I've learned that the long nine months of pregnancy cultivates all sorts of expectations both realized and unrealized of what life with a baby will be like. Expectations of myself, my husband, even my newborn baby! Expectations of circumstances other people who are a part of our lives, everything!
Without really trying I got a very specific idea of how things would work once Hannah Kate arrived.

I've discussed this a bit with my sister and we talked about having some low key realistic goals IN PLACE OF those crazy perfectionist type of expectations.

Here's an example.

Cloth Diapers! I expected that we would transition into cloth diapering once Hannah Kate lost her belly button stump and that would be the end of "Sposies"

After two days of cloth diapers I've had to pull back and set a new goal in place of this expectation. We are NOT giving up on cloth diapers but we have run into a few issues.
1.) Only 2 of our 25 diapers have adjustable elastic around the legs and this is a leaking issue.
2.) The diapers are so big and fluffy on my baby she doesn't like to sleep flat in them. (In the pack and play, in her crib etc.) This is a big issue at night time. Her little bum is elevated too much for her to be comfortable even with extra padding under her back and head to even things out.

So! I will be headed back to Target for more diapers and for now we will try a hybrid, trying to cloth diaper during the day and just keep an eye out for leaks, and allow baby to be comfy at night in disposable diapers until she fills out a bit more, which at the rate she is growing won't be too long from now.
Sleep for baby and mommy is more important than what kind of diaper she is wearing.

I'm also getting back into the swing of things around the house.
Today I am cleaning and preparing for my Mother in law to visit. She gets in this evening.
I'm doing laundry, vacuuming, tidying up etc.

Another expectation was that I'd be able to keep up with my home a little better.
A new realization is that instead of once or twice a week, I will now be doing laundry every day for who knows how long! I'm ok with this.

I'm excited to have my house clean and errands done to be able to enjoy the weekend with my baby, husband, and Mom in law.

I'm doing pretty well with turning expectations into more realistic goals. Every family is different and I accept that I need to do what's right for my family and that wont necessarily look like what other people do and thats just fine with me! I am devoted to the needs of my precious little girl, not what other people think I should do.

The Learning Curve

We have had some pretty rough nights over the past few weeks but we are working on it. The past two nights have been an improvement and Ryan thinks its because we brought the rocking chair into our bedroom to soothe Hannah Kate back to sleep when she needs a little more than nursing.
I wonder how much of it has to do with relaxing Mommy and Daddy as rocking is therapeutic to adults as well. Waking up and staying up when your body is hours away from giving out on you can bring out all sorts of stress, frustration and emotions and I've noticed the rocking chair helping Ryan and I about as much as it helps Hannah Kate.

It bothers me when people call her Hannah. Daddy has a special pass but other people are picking up on it so I've asked him to throw in Hannah Kate or Hannah Kathryn around other people. Even though I sign in under Hannah Kate Anders at the pediatrician, they always call her Hannah and with a really soft H than makes it sound like Anna. That's not her name.
Hannah Kate is less common than Hannah, it includes a piece of my name and it is fun and spunky and a little bit southern and I like all that!

I only had a few burp clothes before Hannah Kate was born and I didn't buy more because I wasn't sure we would need them. We do! And so I was in the baby section of Target for like fourth time in the past few weeks.

We impressed Aunt Bethany with a pretty wild diaper change where my little girl spit up, peed and pooped all mid change baby parts exposed. (and we managed to keep the mess contained.)
In an effort to keep on impressing, Hannah Kate has peed in her towel directly after a bath and before being dressed, peed above the bath as we were getting in, peed and pooped mid bath and today had her very first diaper blow out after being changed not long before.
Needless to say, this girl is healthy and talented!

I love my baby's hair! It's dark and soft and shiny and it curls when it gets wet and she tolerates hair accessories pretty well! I love dressing her up and she doesn't mind at all. She is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. (I know all moms feel that way.)

I think I will try another photo shoot soon.

I'm looking forward to Easter with the fam but how do you shop for a new outfit with a newborn?

I have my check up next Tuesday and I'm hoping my Dr will declare me fully healed and ready for a good eating and exercise plan and normal bath time!

I miss church and small group but I'm keeping my baby safe. We just found out there was a strep exposure at our small group and it made me glad we are taking precautions and keeping baby away from illness exposure as much as possible but I am looking forward to getting back to our church community.

I cant believe it's nearly spring! But I'm enjoying the weather and looking forward to the new season.

Ryan has no school this week and that makes me happy.

Hannah Kate is looking forward to meeting her Uncle Jon and she has several great Easter outfits.

2 weeks in...

Hannah Kate is 2 weeks old today. It's hard to believe that just 2 weeks ago we were in the hospital, I delivered this little girl and we were just in shock that she was here and ours.

That seems like it was just yesterday and yet so far away from today. We have had several visitors, lots of meals, groceries, gifts etc delivered and then suddenly, real life just sort of fell in my lap. My husband went back to work, my mom started her awesome new job and every family member who planned to visit during these first few weeks has.
It's just me and Hannah Kate now.

I have mixed feelings about this. I love my baby girl more than I can express, and I am so blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom, but I'm still learning and trying to get used to this new life and if I'm completely honest, I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job.

I think it's accurate for me to say that my greatest struggle in life has always been controlling my emotions. And I don't simply mean being moody or hormonal. It's easy for me to feel overwhelmed, alone, afraid, unworthy or unqualified etc. and I think the physical aspect of my not being pregnant any more and the hormonal changes I'm going through, as well as being severely sleep deprived is making this personal battle even more difficult.
I am trying to focus on Christ and getting sleep where I can and reminding myself that a lot of my emotions are completely normal for a new mommy, especially a new mommy who is prone to emotional stress.
I'm trying to remember to spend more time with Jesus but I have to admitt my brain is pretty fuzzy during the day and when I'm not feeding my baby I'm trying to sleep when she does and pick up my house or take a shower and I forget until I'm on the verge of tears for stupid little reasons.

I bought an Easter dress the other day in hopes of creating a gorgeous family photo on Easter. Hannah Kate has her dress ready and Ryan has a great button down shirt. I chose a dress with "distractions" in the tummy area and in a size that would usually be much to big for me. I fit in it but it was not at all flattering! And when I looked in the mirror I realized, none of my clothes are flattering on me any more. Not even maternity clothes. I can't hide or  disguise my baby pooch and my extra chins are obvious no matter how I do my hair and make up.
I was warned about the pressure to get back in shape right after baby and how and when to go about it in ways that are healthy for me and my nursing baby; so I thought I was prepared and would just remind myself of my plan and just be careful until I could put my plan into play.
I had no idea I would feel this way. I know I'm extra sensitive to my weight and external appearance. I do my best to remind myself that my worth has nothing to do with my appearance but it's just another one of those things that makes me feel like less of a person.

Over the past 7 months I feel like God has really been strengthening me in these weak places in my life and I felt like I was making great progress in growth and my husband even commented on it and I don't know if it's the lack of sleep and hormones but I feel like I've lost a lot of that strength and perspective that made me feel stronger than my emotional weaknesses.

Other people's feelings or opinions of me are more haunting and hurtful than they should be and Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Why is it suddenly so upsetting to me that not everyone is going to agree with my opinions and or decisions when several weeks ago I was perfectly fine and standing strong?

I feel an inordinate amount of pressure even now with my daughter being so young, to show her a strong Biblical woman. A Proverbs 31 woman who is confident in who she is because of Christ in her life, not what she looks like and not based on what other people think. But a long with that I feel like I need to take pride in my appearance and take care of myself and the balance of being healthy and presenting myself in a way that is attractive to my husband etc and obsessing over it and being consumed by it is a very fine line for me. And a struggle, especially when I'm struggling emotionally in general.

I have all these unrealized expectations of my husband that I cannot seem to realize until they go unmet. I'm trying my best not to be cranky or nagging because he can't read my mind and know what I want and expect from him, especially if I don't even know!
I'm afraid of letting things get between us because he's not here as much as I want him to be but that's not his fault and he has a huge responsibility as the provider of our family but with school 2 nights a week and certain chores that needed to be done right now while we have a newborn, like repairing a wind damaged fence or renewing the past due stickers on our van etc.

So I guess what I'm needing to purge here is that I feel like I'm not doing a great job as a person. Im not being as patient or understanding towards my husband as I should be, my house could use a lot more of my attention, I'm struggling with how to stimulate my tiny little baby during the day, to really connect with her in some way and not just let her sleep in my lap or my arms or in a crib.

I am way more unattractive than I was prepared for and feel really ashamed about that and my lack of control over my emotions. I want my daughter to be strong and confidant and I am afraid that I won't be a good example for her.

Im hoping this is just a normal stage of new mommy adjustment.