When I think of New Year's Day the first thing that pops into my head is New Year Resolutions. A list of petty goals that won't continue past the first few weeks. Goals, desires, things "To Do" that end up no more than a reminder of weak will and lack of discipline.
New Year's Resolutions are mostly a worldly thing. It doesn't have to be, but it's what we first think of. Writing things down, pinning it to the wall and forgetting about it. Why is it so often neglected or forgotten before half of the year is over?
Better question: Where is God in your resolution? If we write things down expecting to get them done or reach the goals in our own will by our own power of course we're going to fail.
And maybe the things on our lists need readjusting.
I'm guessing that at least 75% of Americans have "Lose weight" written on their list. I'm sure there are other things like "Make more money" or "Be more adventurous" Oprah has probably done a show that listed the most common resolution, (Not that it matters.)
My point is, that if God is no where in the building or foundations of this list, or behind the will or motivation, how can we expect to see it through?
This year, rather than come up with New Year's Resolutions, I've decided to write down some goals I want to pray over. I want to ask God to guide my steps this year and help bring good things to mind that would positively impact my life and bring glory to Him. I have a hard time believing God really cares about everyone losing X amount of pounds, having more fun, and making more money.
Maybe goals such as, being healthy and taking care of the temple I've been given, being more outgoing and stepping outside of my comfort zone that I may spread the gospel, and being more generous are more what we should be aiming for.
2008 is another year about to pass. Another year that God has shown me grace, compassion, and mercy. 2008 ... well, let's be honest, was NOT a great year for me.
Many good things have happened this year I will admit. Mostly events that took place. Justin and Kim got married, as did Jon and Emily. I couldn't be happier with my new sisters in law. I grew MUCH closer to my family than I feel I have been in years, I'm a much stronger Christian, this Christmas was probably the BEST I can remember, Bethany heard that her immigrations process is actually moving forward, and I am now in a really awesome, Christ-centered courtship with an incredible guy who loves Jesus and my family. My family really likes him too!
So, this year hasn't been all bad, but a lot of the good stuff happened towards the end. This has been a really long and trying year for me. God has shown me so much and opened my eyes and ears to more truth than I've been able to understand in a long time. It's been an adjustment, a lot to take in. I'm still a "Kidult" and have to replant my steps to really grasp things.
I'm ready to say goodbye to 2008. And I'm glad that a lot of the good things this year happened towards the end. What a wonderful way to welcome 2009!
I have new sisters, I am much stronger in my faith, on a good path, I'm close to my family, and on a journey with a new relationship, I love my work and feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I can't wait for the new year! I want to start things right, and I want to see them all the way through with Christ as my guide, and my strength.
One thing I want to do is read the whole Bible this year. I'm going to look up a reading plan that works for me and ask God to help discipline me to read what I'm supposed to every day.
Another goal of mine is to be hyper aware of weaknesses and tendencies that I have, that I can recognize them quickly and adjust to be more like Christ.
I want to be a wise and judicious student both academically and spiritually.
I want to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, my family, and all other relationships, that I may better know Christ and imitate Him in all aspects of my life.
I know God has a reason and a purpose for everything. I think we can be outside of God's will at times but the Bible instructs us in Romans 5:28 that God works ALL things together for the good of those that love Him.
I have to believe that means that God even works in our mistakes and wanderings to the good in His ultimate plan.
I pray blessings over my friends and family that 2009 would be a great year for all. Full of love, hope, and faith. That God would shine through in every moment; trails and triumphs, good times and bad. My prayer for 2009 is that we would "Seek first the kingdom of heaven, and [let] all things be added" Matthew 6:33
Happy New Year!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The First Few Thoughts of Christmas Eve
I have been told that one of the reasons college aged people get sick more often is because they don't sleep enough. I don't deny that this is probably true but I find it fascinating that so many of us have these incredible thoughtful or creative moments, more in the wee hours of the morning than in the middle of the day. It makes me wonder if that's something God programmed into us during this specific age because our bodies are young and agile and can handle it.
These moments where I find my pen flying across paper forming rhymes of poetry or songs, or nights I spend typing away some curious thought or metaphor in the form of a blog. Either way it makes me wonder...
The Psalmist talks about lying awake at night a lot. Sometimes it's because he is distraught, other times it's because he is praising the one and almighty father who has blessed him so immensely, and sometimes it's to contemplate God's law, or other such things. David was a young and agile man too. Perhaps God speaks to young people at night, inspires them, or sets off a switch because it's when we are most likely to slow down, listen, observe, and/or really begin to understand things.
Young people don't really like to be idol, At least I don't. I like to keep busy, have something to do. But when I succeed at that I tend to unconsciously write my quiet time out of my schedule. It's sad, and shameful, but true. (I'm working on that though.)
I find that when I allow myself to be creative the truth comes forth. When I sit down to write, I often time surprise myself with what's in my head or my heart. I remember thing if I write them down, even if I don't keep what I write. I express myself through creative forms of writing and learn more in doing so. I think part of this is hereditary.
About this time every year I am reminded of an incredible piece of work that my dad wrote when he was about 17 years old. The first time I heard it I was probably 11 or 12. My grandmother used to record tapes for my sister and I to listen to and we often went to sleep to the sound of her voice. She would read us stories, poems, scripture, all on a tape and then wrap it up and give it to us at Christmas. It was one of my favorite gifts.
One year she found and read some old poems that my dad wrote and this one has stuck with me and always seems to come back to me at about this time of the year:
A Letter To My Runaway Child
I just felt the need to write to you, share with you. It seems that's the only way I can reach you. But that's not how it used to be. Remember? Remember how you used to get up with me in the mornings? Remember how we used to walk together and share with each other the beauty of life? I showed you my love and you gratified me in the manor of which you strive to share. You were happy then.
Are you happy now? Are you truly happy?
You try to feel me and say: "yes" but I know you too well for that.
I still get up with you in the mornings, but you ignore me. I'm always there with you, but you pretend I'm not. What happened to our relationship? Come home. I will make you whole again. Come home. I love you, and I'll always be here, waiting.
Your Loving Father God
Now, this may not be an exact copy, it's what I have in memory, and the best I can do at the moment. The thing is, I had forgotten about Christmas memories like this. And it's interesting to me that years later, but at about the same age, I wrote this song:
I used to hear you call me, but your voice now I don't recognize,
You used to stand where I would see, but my vision distorted I've lost sight,
So many voices screaming, I'm just trying to figure out what's right,
Confused within my thinking, I just want you to know how hard I try.
Guessing my way through unknown territory,
Forgot how to pray but I know you can show me...
[Chorus would go here]
I used to feel you near me, but I've become so numb, I don't know your touch
And I used to know such beauty. But that knowledge is gone with what I knew of your love.
So many thoughts I'm thinking, just trying to figure out what's next.
I don't see why you'd still love me, but then you've never been what I could expect.
I'm feeling my way through darkness and delusions,
I know I've lost my way, but you can help me through this.
[Chorus here...again]
I know this path was my own choice,
Please take me back, I want to hear your voice.
I'll give you what became obsession
just hold me so I can feel your love again...
My point in drawing this comparison is that most teenagers/young adults come to a point in their lives where they realize they may not be where they should be. That they strayed somehow and are stuck on whatever it was that took them away from where they were.
Kids who were raised in a Christian home with Biblical guidance have an understanding of this personal walk with God. The real relationship there and therefore they are soon aware of when they've gone away from it.
But I think that it's in these detours that we realize how weak we are, and how much we need God. Most of these runaway adventures wreak more havoc than we realize and it's in the pain we cause ourselves that we remember God's loving and almighty healing power.
So often I find myself forgetting what Christmas is really about. Brother Matt (My pastor) did a fabulous job at reminding me. He went through some of the lyrics of the old song O Holy Night and drew biblical comparisons. There's a lyric in one of the verses that says:
Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother,
and in His name, all oppression shall cease.
Well, this part of the song was written during a terrible war, when people understood the reality of slavery and oppression but it has a deeper meaning too.
When Christ was born it began the beginning of the end. When Jesus was born it started. It was the beginning of the end of sorrow, pain, sadness etc. When He was born it was the beginning of the end of the power of sin.
Christ's birth brought about the end of our slavery to sin. The chains are broken, we and our brothers and sisters in Christ are set free because He came down from heaven in the form of a man to save us. Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of our King. Christmas is the holiday of true hope and real joy. It wasn't until this day so long ago than men could begin to truly hope for better days.
In HIS name ALL oppression shall cease.
"Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress....
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice when dividing the plunder.
For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor.
Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever"
Isiah 9:1-7
(A-freaking-MEN)
Christmas is only about giving because of the priceless gift we receive through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that began the day He was born. We celebrate this day in December and give and receive gifts in honor of the most valuable gift there is.
Christmas is a time and a holiday of Hope, for without Christ there is no hope at all. I am beyond grateful for what we have, for what I'm reminded of. For the fact that no matter how far we run away, how many times we fall, there is hope and salvation in Jesus Christ because the chains have been broken, Christ has been born, and our debt has been paid. As corny and cliche as it is to say this in a blog... PRAISE GOD!
(Yeah I said it, and I meant it, what are you gonna do?)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
These moments where I find my pen flying across paper forming rhymes of poetry or songs, or nights I spend typing away some curious thought or metaphor in the form of a blog. Either way it makes me wonder...
The Psalmist talks about lying awake at night a lot. Sometimes it's because he is distraught, other times it's because he is praising the one and almighty father who has blessed him so immensely, and sometimes it's to contemplate God's law, or other such things. David was a young and agile man too. Perhaps God speaks to young people at night, inspires them, or sets off a switch because it's when we are most likely to slow down, listen, observe, and/or really begin to understand things.
Young people don't really like to be idol, At least I don't. I like to keep busy, have something to do. But when I succeed at that I tend to unconsciously write my quiet time out of my schedule. It's sad, and shameful, but true. (I'm working on that though.)
I find that when I allow myself to be creative the truth comes forth. When I sit down to write, I often time surprise myself with what's in my head or my heart. I remember thing if I write them down, even if I don't keep what I write. I express myself through creative forms of writing and learn more in doing so. I think part of this is hereditary.
About this time every year I am reminded of an incredible piece of work that my dad wrote when he was about 17 years old. The first time I heard it I was probably 11 or 12. My grandmother used to record tapes for my sister and I to listen to and we often went to sleep to the sound of her voice. She would read us stories, poems, scripture, all on a tape and then wrap it up and give it to us at Christmas. It was one of my favorite gifts.
One year she found and read some old poems that my dad wrote and this one has stuck with me and always seems to come back to me at about this time of the year:
A Letter To My Runaway Child
I just felt the need to write to you, share with you. It seems that's the only way I can reach you. But that's not how it used to be. Remember? Remember how you used to get up with me in the mornings? Remember how we used to walk together and share with each other the beauty of life? I showed you my love and you gratified me in the manor of which you strive to share. You were happy then.
Are you happy now? Are you truly happy?
You try to feel me and say: "yes" but I know you too well for that.
I still get up with you in the mornings, but you ignore me. I'm always there with you, but you pretend I'm not. What happened to our relationship? Come home. I will make you whole again. Come home. I love you, and I'll always be here, waiting.
Your Loving Father God
Now, this may not be an exact copy, it's what I have in memory, and the best I can do at the moment. The thing is, I had forgotten about Christmas memories like this. And it's interesting to me that years later, but at about the same age, I wrote this song:
I used to hear you call me, but your voice now I don't recognize,
You used to stand where I would see, but my vision distorted I've lost sight,
So many voices screaming, I'm just trying to figure out what's right,
Confused within my thinking, I just want you to know how hard I try.
Guessing my way through unknown territory,
Forgot how to pray but I know you can show me...
[Chorus would go here]
I used to feel you near me, but I've become so numb, I don't know your touch
And I used to know such beauty. But that knowledge is gone with what I knew of your love.
So many thoughts I'm thinking, just trying to figure out what's next.
I don't see why you'd still love me, but then you've never been what I could expect.
I'm feeling my way through darkness and delusions,
I know I've lost my way, but you can help me through this.
[Chorus here...again]
I know this path was my own choice,
Please take me back, I want to hear your voice.
I'll give you what became obsession
just hold me so I can feel your love again...
My point in drawing this comparison is that most teenagers/young adults come to a point in their lives where they realize they may not be where they should be. That they strayed somehow and are stuck on whatever it was that took them away from where they were.
Kids who were raised in a Christian home with Biblical guidance have an understanding of this personal walk with God. The real relationship there and therefore they are soon aware of when they've gone away from it.
But I think that it's in these detours that we realize how weak we are, and how much we need God. Most of these runaway adventures wreak more havoc than we realize and it's in the pain we cause ourselves that we remember God's loving and almighty healing power.
So often I find myself forgetting what Christmas is really about. Brother Matt (My pastor) did a fabulous job at reminding me. He went through some of the lyrics of the old song O Holy Night and drew biblical comparisons. There's a lyric in one of the verses that says:
Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother,
and in His name, all oppression shall cease.
Well, this part of the song was written during a terrible war, when people understood the reality of slavery and oppression but it has a deeper meaning too.
When Christ was born it began the beginning of the end. When Jesus was born it started. It was the beginning of the end of sorrow, pain, sadness etc. When He was born it was the beginning of the end of the power of sin.
Christ's birth brought about the end of our slavery to sin. The chains are broken, we and our brothers and sisters in Christ are set free because He came down from heaven in the form of a man to save us. Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of our King. Christmas is the holiday of true hope and real joy. It wasn't until this day so long ago than men could begin to truly hope for better days.
In HIS name ALL oppression shall cease.
"Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress....
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice when dividing the plunder.
For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor.
Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever"
Isiah 9:1-7
(A-freaking-MEN)
Christmas is only about giving because of the priceless gift we receive through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that began the day He was born. We celebrate this day in December and give and receive gifts in honor of the most valuable gift there is.
Christmas is a time and a holiday of Hope, for without Christ there is no hope at all. I am beyond grateful for what we have, for what I'm reminded of. For the fact that no matter how far we run away, how many times we fall, there is hope and salvation in Jesus Christ because the chains have been broken, Christ has been born, and our debt has been paid. As corny and cliche as it is to say this in a blog... PRAISE GOD!
(Yeah I said it, and I meant it, what are you gonna do?)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Friday, December 19, 2008
The Love of Children
Angels We Have Heard, was the name of the small production the elementary aged kids put on right before the older group went on.We managed to get 20 angel costumes wings, halos, and all on the kids within about 10 minutes. The kids went out and gave it there all and were beyond amazing. They put everything they had into it. All of their crazy energy came forth through their songs, dance, drama, etc. They were not nervous or anxious just excited and happy to be there, sincerely happy to put on the show they had worked so hard on for the past four months. And they did everything better and more amazing than in any of our rehearsals. I watched from the side lines with the older choir singing quietly all their little songs. I was so proud of them. Their smiles were bright their body language projecting pure joy and good pride. They knew they were going a great job. Their last song was sung and they were guided off my cottage parents as the set was changed. Sharon had the audience give the little one more applause and lead them in a few Christmas carols as we went up with the older kids, and the set was put into it’s proper place.
"There's a lot of people here." Gloria whispered in my ear as we came to our places on stage."It's okay Gloria," I told her. "You've done this plenty of times. You know all your lines and all the songs, it'll be great.""But there's so many p- I don't feel well." I lifted my hand to her should and then rubbed her back gently."You got this girl, you're talented, it'll be fine, just get started, and be confident. You'll be great!"The music faded in and Sharon, the choir director introduced the production. Our opening scene took place and then our first song began.The whole choir and drama team quickly turned from wobbly nervous kids to confident, talented young people, projecting their energy into the audience.Towards the end of our first song Gloria got her cue to slip out back stage to get into her costume for the next scene. I heard her take in a deep breath and let it out before she turned to go. The song ended and the other interns and I quickly moved the mics and came to our positions as the scene began. Gloria, Angie, Sofia, and Katie took their places and began the scene with more energy and emotion than ever before in rehearsal. The audience laughed in all the right places and the scene got better as the girls fed off of the audience.The smiles on their faces and the continued energy throughout the production was more than what I had hoped for. These kids had worked so hard, been through so much, and this was their big moment.They were wonderful!We went back and forth between songs and drama seamlessly. Angie and Michael slipped out at the end of another song and were soon back on stage left in their UPS uniforms, moving their prop boxes and speaking to the audience their lines with confidence and realism.They drew their amazing comparison between the gifts that are sent and accepted or rejected at the holidays to the glorious gift that God has sent to us through his son Jesus Christ. As I watched them both speak the lines they had practiced several times it became apparent that Angie and Michael really had a grasp on what they were saying. They really understood the skit as more than the lined they projected but as something they actually believed. Michael's face lit up when the crowd roared with laughter at a punch line, his smile so bright he didn't need the spot light. Angie relayed feeling and emotion in what she was saying as best she could and the audience felt it, they were both aware. They were well received, and doing a fabulous job. Everything just kept on getting better. The songs were beautiful, the drama, spectacular, the audience, hooked on all that was before them. It wasn't long before the production was at it's end and our final song was played. "I Believe in Miracles" Mostly sung by middle schoolers Michael and Jerry. The boys' voices so innocent and real, both holding onto specific words as if they believed them with all that they had. How anyone could listen to that song and feel as close to all the kids as I had become and NOT tear up is beyond me. I couldn't help it. I felt like everything that had happened to me since the start of the school year was ten times better than the past few years and all started when I began working with these incredible children, and amazing faculty members. My being there, and being able to continue to work with them, get to know them, and continue to love them, felt like a miracle in my life. This feels like and answer to many of my prayers. Things seem more clear to me. I'm more aware of things, more determined and motivated. I know what I want to do, and I'm fueled by the energy and love of these children.
I wanted to sincerely thank everyone who came to see the show, everyon who was, has been, and still praying for the kids and their productions and choir work, and everyone who was involved. It meant so much to all of us, and I was so blessed to see your lovely faces, hear of your prayers, and encouragement, "good luck" and well wishes, and am so glad to share this with you.
I am beyond blessed to have Sharon in my life, to have met Sarah, Janell, and Barbara, and to be able to work with people of the same mind and passion, and with these amazing kids.This production was a wonderful way of wrapping up and incredible semester. I am so thankful that I was a part of it, and am very thankful to continue to work with these kids in the spring. I love them. All of them, even when they're trouble, and even when my patience is wearing. These are God's children, and so often I leave wishing I could take home as many as would fit in my car.
Even my parents had mentioned the desire to take some of them home, and tearfully asked why and how long they had been there, and while the Children's Home isn't an IDEAL family situation it is MUCH better than many alternatives. These kids get the care that they need and are loved by many. I pray that God will show me how I can get even more involved and that MANY blessings would be poured out upon all of the house parents, case workers, directors, and other faculty members involved, that it may go well with them.If you're reading this, thank you for indulging my Christmas spirit and the pride I have in these kids.
Wishing you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
"There's a lot of people here." Gloria whispered in my ear as we came to our places on stage."It's okay Gloria," I told her. "You've done this plenty of times. You know all your lines and all the songs, it'll be great.""But there's so many p- I don't feel well." I lifted my hand to her should and then rubbed her back gently."You got this girl, you're talented, it'll be fine, just get started, and be confident. You'll be great!"The music faded in and Sharon, the choir director introduced the production. Our opening scene took place and then our first song began.The whole choir and drama team quickly turned from wobbly nervous kids to confident, talented young people, projecting their energy into the audience.Towards the end of our first song Gloria got her cue to slip out back stage to get into her costume for the next scene. I heard her take in a deep breath and let it out before she turned to go. The song ended and the other interns and I quickly moved the mics and came to our positions as the scene began. Gloria, Angie, Sofia, and Katie took their places and began the scene with more energy and emotion than ever before in rehearsal. The audience laughed in all the right places and the scene got better as the girls fed off of the audience.The smiles on their faces and the continued energy throughout the production was more than what I had hoped for. These kids had worked so hard, been through so much, and this was their big moment.They were wonderful!We went back and forth between songs and drama seamlessly. Angie and Michael slipped out at the end of another song and were soon back on stage left in their UPS uniforms, moving their prop boxes and speaking to the audience their lines with confidence and realism.They drew their amazing comparison between the gifts that are sent and accepted or rejected at the holidays to the glorious gift that God has sent to us through his son Jesus Christ. As I watched them both speak the lines they had practiced several times it became apparent that Angie and Michael really had a grasp on what they were saying. They really understood the skit as more than the lined they projected but as something they actually believed. Michael's face lit up when the crowd roared with laughter at a punch line, his smile so bright he didn't need the spot light. Angie relayed feeling and emotion in what she was saying as best she could and the audience felt it, they were both aware. They were well received, and doing a fabulous job. Everything just kept on getting better. The songs were beautiful, the drama, spectacular, the audience, hooked on all that was before them. It wasn't long before the production was at it's end and our final song was played. "I Believe in Miracles" Mostly sung by middle schoolers Michael and Jerry. The boys' voices so innocent and real, both holding onto specific words as if they believed them with all that they had. How anyone could listen to that song and feel as close to all the kids as I had become and NOT tear up is beyond me. I couldn't help it. I felt like everything that had happened to me since the start of the school year was ten times better than the past few years and all started when I began working with these incredible children, and amazing faculty members. My being there, and being able to continue to work with them, get to know them, and continue to love them, felt like a miracle in my life. This feels like and answer to many of my prayers. Things seem more clear to me. I'm more aware of things, more determined and motivated. I know what I want to do, and I'm fueled by the energy and love of these children.
I wanted to sincerely thank everyone who came to see the show, everyon who was, has been, and still praying for the kids and their productions and choir work, and everyone who was involved. It meant so much to all of us, and I was so blessed to see your lovely faces, hear of your prayers, and encouragement, "good luck" and well wishes, and am so glad to share this with you.
I am beyond blessed to have Sharon in my life, to have met Sarah, Janell, and Barbara, and to be able to work with people of the same mind and passion, and with these amazing kids.This production was a wonderful way of wrapping up and incredible semester. I am so thankful that I was a part of it, and am very thankful to continue to work with these kids in the spring. I love them. All of them, even when they're trouble, and even when my patience is wearing. These are God's children, and so often I leave wishing I could take home as many as would fit in my car.
Even my parents had mentioned the desire to take some of them home, and tearfully asked why and how long they had been there, and while the Children's Home isn't an IDEAL family situation it is MUCH better than many alternatives. These kids get the care that they need and are loved by many. I pray that God will show me how I can get even more involved and that MANY blessings would be poured out upon all of the house parents, case workers, directors, and other faculty members involved, that it may go well with them.If you're reading this, thank you for indulging my Christmas spirit and the pride I have in these kids.
Wishing you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Lesson From "The Happy Light"
Seasonal depression is a struggle that affects a good portion of the world this time of year. It's dark, cold, wet, anything that goes wrong has a different kind of power. It finds a way to build and climb into your very being to haunt you and often times you just want to close yourself up and be alone.
Being proactive, my family now has what we've named The Happy Light. It's supposedly sunlight in a light/lamp form and is supposed to generate the same positive effects the sun does in Spring or Summer. I'm not sure if I truly believe this works, but it is an interesting concept.
I was sitting next to The Happy Light the other day and looked at it... I couldn't. Not for too long, it's VERY bright, clear, white, and powerful. It sort of hurts my eyes and gives me a headache. Maybe you're not supposed to look directly at it, or maybe I'm just a wimp or something.
Thinking about this has caused many metaphors to build up in my head. I think about how, while we aren't conscious of it, we allow ourselves to be accustomed to the darkness, and while it may not be pleasant it becomes easy. After a while the light seems harsh and painful to be exposed to, but maybe that's because we've spent too much time in the shadows and NEED to feel the sun again. It's sort of like, when you're so cold and you draw a warm bath, your toes burn in that icy way for a few moments just because of the extreme contrast. Once you get past that slight discomfort the warmth sets in and we feel comfort again.
I have come into my own in a sense. Only just months ago did I feel like I couldn't make any big decisions for myself. I based every choice, every feeling of worth, on everyone's opinion but my own. Everything but what I know in my heart to be true.
Now, I find myself not only making my own BIG decisions, but making big decisions that have huge consequences good and bad, being able to deal with each consequence accordingly, and making these decisions without consulting everyone I feel close to.
I feel like I'm getting stronger, like I can actually be a good friend again. Like I can really be there for those who have been there for me and with me through some of the most difficult times in my life, and the most irritating thing in this moment of recognition is that it's taken me so long.
The Happy Light... maybe its working. It still hurts in some ways but not as bad. I'm starting to feel the warmth through the numbing, burning cold.
Now, I'm probably not ready for everything that is to come, but I'll get there. If I were ready for whatever was to come my way before it came, how would I learn anything? I'm more aware of reality now than I think I ever was before. I'm more aware of my weakness, and God's strength in that weakness. His victory, in my failure... it sucks for sure but at least I know the final outcome will be worth it in the end.
I feel as though I've been rather distant from the things in life with real eternal value. Things like my spiritual relationship, my family, my friends.
Sometimes we let our focus falter to things that are full of destruction, things that draw us into the darkness and make the sunlight so harsh. But what I don't understand is why. What is the draw? I'm not really sure, except that it's something that's a part of our humanity, something that was triggered when man fell into depravity.
Well, The Happy Light stays on, and I have decided to enjoy it. Sunlight is healthy. It may be harsh at first, but soon the warmth and feeling of real life will set in and true joy will be found to replace the sad excuse for so called earthly happiness. Everyone should get a happy light, and have it all throughout the year. You can never have too much sunlight. (Well, at least the kind that won’t burn your skin or give you cancer.)
Being proactive, my family now has what we've named The Happy Light. It's supposedly sunlight in a light/lamp form and is supposed to generate the same positive effects the sun does in Spring or Summer. I'm not sure if I truly believe this works, but it is an interesting concept.
I was sitting next to The Happy Light the other day and looked at it... I couldn't. Not for too long, it's VERY bright, clear, white, and powerful. It sort of hurts my eyes and gives me a headache. Maybe you're not supposed to look directly at it, or maybe I'm just a wimp or something.
Thinking about this has caused many metaphors to build up in my head. I think about how, while we aren't conscious of it, we allow ourselves to be accustomed to the darkness, and while it may not be pleasant it becomes easy. After a while the light seems harsh and painful to be exposed to, but maybe that's because we've spent too much time in the shadows and NEED to feel the sun again. It's sort of like, when you're so cold and you draw a warm bath, your toes burn in that icy way for a few moments just because of the extreme contrast. Once you get past that slight discomfort the warmth sets in and we feel comfort again.
I have come into my own in a sense. Only just months ago did I feel like I couldn't make any big decisions for myself. I based every choice, every feeling of worth, on everyone's opinion but my own. Everything but what I know in my heart to be true.
Now, I find myself not only making my own BIG decisions, but making big decisions that have huge consequences good and bad, being able to deal with each consequence accordingly, and making these decisions without consulting everyone I feel close to.
I feel like I'm getting stronger, like I can actually be a good friend again. Like I can really be there for those who have been there for me and with me through some of the most difficult times in my life, and the most irritating thing in this moment of recognition is that it's taken me so long.
The Happy Light... maybe its working. It still hurts in some ways but not as bad. I'm starting to feel the warmth through the numbing, burning cold.
Now, I'm probably not ready for everything that is to come, but I'll get there. If I were ready for whatever was to come my way before it came, how would I learn anything? I'm more aware of reality now than I think I ever was before. I'm more aware of my weakness, and God's strength in that weakness. His victory, in my failure... it sucks for sure but at least I know the final outcome will be worth it in the end.
I feel as though I've been rather distant from the things in life with real eternal value. Things like my spiritual relationship, my family, my friends.
Sometimes we let our focus falter to things that are full of destruction, things that draw us into the darkness and make the sunlight so harsh. But what I don't understand is why. What is the draw? I'm not really sure, except that it's something that's a part of our humanity, something that was triggered when man fell into depravity.
Well, The Happy Light stays on, and I have decided to enjoy it. Sunlight is healthy. It may be harsh at first, but soon the warmth and feeling of real life will set in and true joy will be found to replace the sad excuse for so called earthly happiness. Everyone should get a happy light, and have it all throughout the year. You can never have too much sunlight. (Well, at least the kind that won’t burn your skin or give you cancer.)
Monday, December 8, 2008
Regaining Some Atypical Vision
Right now I'm sitting in one of 12 reclining chairs at a medical study program. Right now there are four of us here. I could have sworn there were more when I got here but I think some of them were legal guardians who had to leave, and it's possible there are still more back in surgery.
I got two of my wisdom teeth removed this morning at about 8am and have yet to take the experimental pain medication. At this point the numbing sensation is being replaced by a dull throbbing feeling but it's not too bad. I look around and feel as though I'm miles above the rest of the patience here. I feel bad for the girl leaning forward in her chair, one hand on her head the other on her stomach. Everyone's expected to feel nauseous and we don't need to get into why but I don't feel so horrible. The other girls are trying to force themselves to sleep, one of them is obviously doing whatever she can to occupy herself and her thoughts.
Observing this and being here has caused me to see several things.
The first being how God provides. I went through two years of braces and appliances, embarrassing distorted words, drool, and worst of all the discomfort. But I got through those years, and horrible pictures, and now have a straight and pleasant smile. All four of my wisdom teeth needed to come out. My orthodontist had several reasons why. I didn't have any time in my schedule to do it when I first found out and then I found myself without dental insurance. And now in probably my greatest financial need I'm presented with the opportunity not only to get my wisdom teeth out for free but to be paid for testing pain medication. It's a win win. The one concern was the amount of possible discomfort.
That brings me to my second point. I look around and recognize that I'm on a completely different level than the other patience here, discomfort wise.
Yeah my jaw hurts and my stomach isn't totally up to par but I really don't feel that bad. I mean I haven't taken any pain medication yet.
I realized that this probably has something to do with my history.
I grew up with a really sensitive stomach and was often pretty sick as a little kid. Then I went through braces and became familiar with people's hands in my mouth and oral pain.
So it's almost like I went through training or preparation for this.
I see people around me in such agony and am grateful for God's strength and comfort.
I've seen lately, a lot of little things God has put in my life. Living is messy and littered with mistakes because we are human but God knows that and is never caught off guard.
I'm in a good church, have a fabulous family, and great close friends. I'm learning by living and realizing that I'm in a weird place. I'm not a kid anymore. I can drive, I can smoke (Though I choose not to.) I can do things like medical studies without parental consent, and the state recognizes me as an adult. However, being 18 doesn't make us all grown up. I still feel I have a long way to go before I'm really an adult. There's still so much that I cling to, that I need, that I'm unsure of, frustrated, and confused about, and yes adults deal with that too and it will probably be something I deal with to an extent for most of my life but in many ways I still feel too young to be an adult, thus I am a Kidult. Lost in the in between with Christ as my only real guide.
I used to hate that! It was so irritating, but I've learned that everything we go through is for a reason. God doesn't do anything needlessly. Whether I'm being prepared and strengthened for something later in life, or learning something hands on, or helping others without realizing it, it doesn't matter. God has the plans, which is good because I seem to do a pretty crappy job all by myself.
I'm so blessed with all that I have. I'm very grateful for all that God has given me and pray that I can continue to recognise his mercy and grace in my life.
I got two of my wisdom teeth removed this morning at about 8am and have yet to take the experimental pain medication. At this point the numbing sensation is being replaced by a dull throbbing feeling but it's not too bad. I look around and feel as though I'm miles above the rest of the patience here. I feel bad for the girl leaning forward in her chair, one hand on her head the other on her stomach. Everyone's expected to feel nauseous and we don't need to get into why but I don't feel so horrible. The other girls are trying to force themselves to sleep, one of them is obviously doing whatever she can to occupy herself and her thoughts.
Observing this and being here has caused me to see several things.
The first being how God provides. I went through two years of braces and appliances, embarrassing distorted words, drool, and worst of all the discomfort. But I got through those years, and horrible pictures, and now have a straight and pleasant smile. All four of my wisdom teeth needed to come out. My orthodontist had several reasons why. I didn't have any time in my schedule to do it when I first found out and then I found myself without dental insurance. And now in probably my greatest financial need I'm presented with the opportunity not only to get my wisdom teeth out for free but to be paid for testing pain medication. It's a win win. The one concern was the amount of possible discomfort.
That brings me to my second point. I look around and recognize that I'm on a completely different level than the other patience here, discomfort wise.
Yeah my jaw hurts and my stomach isn't totally up to par but I really don't feel that bad. I mean I haven't taken any pain medication yet.
I realized that this probably has something to do with my history.
I grew up with a really sensitive stomach and was often pretty sick as a little kid. Then I went through braces and became familiar with people's hands in my mouth and oral pain.
So it's almost like I went through training or preparation for this.
I see people around me in such agony and am grateful for God's strength and comfort.
I've seen lately, a lot of little things God has put in my life. Living is messy and littered with mistakes because we are human but God knows that and is never caught off guard.
I'm in a good church, have a fabulous family, and great close friends. I'm learning by living and realizing that I'm in a weird place. I'm not a kid anymore. I can drive, I can smoke (Though I choose not to.) I can do things like medical studies without parental consent, and the state recognizes me as an adult. However, being 18 doesn't make us all grown up. I still feel I have a long way to go before I'm really an adult. There's still so much that I cling to, that I need, that I'm unsure of, frustrated, and confused about, and yes adults deal with that too and it will probably be something I deal with to an extent for most of my life but in many ways I still feel too young to be an adult, thus I am a Kidult. Lost in the in between with Christ as my only real guide.
I used to hate that! It was so irritating, but I've learned that everything we go through is for a reason. God doesn't do anything needlessly. Whether I'm being prepared and strengthened for something later in life, or learning something hands on, or helping others without realizing it, it doesn't matter. God has the plans, which is good because I seem to do a pretty crappy job all by myself.
I'm so blessed with all that I have. I'm very grateful for all that God has given me and pray that I can continue to recognise his mercy and grace in my life.
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