Last night my sweet husband sat with me after JJ went to bed and we talked about our life and things we want to do better and he spoke of our spiritual life as a couple and as foster parents and not just individuals; he was talking about working on that and said he could use my help for accountability.
I turned to him, tears welling up in my eyes and spoke the honest truth "I can't help you with that right now."
Ryan knows me so well. He asked if it was because I'm angry with God. I nodded and explained how I feel, and this is the honest truth:
There are days, most days, that I love being a foster mom and I am certain this is what God has called me to do and that I am following in obedience. But why this?
Ever since I was 8 years old I've wanted to be a Mommy and anything I thought about doing after that had to fit around being a mom. When i was 14 I wanted to be a best selling author and saw how I could write during nap times, play dates, and bed time.
When I was 17 I wanted to be a singer (I wanted to be a singer since I was 7 but got really into it at 17) but I knew that if I had to travel and be in a recording studio it would have to be before I had kids. When I was 18/19 I wanted to be a photographer and thought about having a home studio so I could still be a stay at home mom.
I have been putting my kids first since I was a kid! And I know that my desire for my own children is a good one, I know God put that desire in my heart. But why? God why give me such a desire for such a ling time and not grant it to me, much less call me to a task where I care for children who have been abused and neglected because there own parents can't or refuse to do what I am longing to?!
Out of all the things you could call me to do it has to be this, where I feel like I'm getting slapped in the face on a monthly basis.
And if you call me to the most difficult thing I can think of given my struggle, why not bless me with a child of my own that I don't have to hand back to someone I'm not sure will love them like I can?
Gid why do you give children to parents who hurt them and ignore them and not to parents who already love the not yet existing children they hope to have?
This is why I am angry. I am doing everything I know to do. I am being obedient even when it hurts! I am enduring! But I don't feel God here with me. I know He loves me and I know he doesn't want bad things for me but I feel like I have been seeking Him and pouring out my heart month after month asking at least for peace and contort in the midst of the painful waiting, asking for a support group of friends, kindred spirits and I feel like no one hears me. I have no peace, I feel no comfort, I don't feel God's presence and I remain obedient but I am angry. I have no friends, I have no support group. (family doesn't count for this job description) I know I'm not missing out on something I'm supposed to do before having kids because I'm called to foster care which puts the exact same limitations on me as having my own kids.
I know I'm supposed to enjoy the now instead of just hoping for the future but what part of the now am I supposed to be enjoying? The agonizing wait? The rise of hope and shatter of disappointment that plays out monthly? Falling in love with kids who just leave our home and my company? The loneliness? The ugly worthlessness I feel because I'm a freak who can't give my husband a baby? The tears I cry daily, or maybe the mask I out on to try to be or feel like or represent what a good Christian should look like in the midst of all this?
I don't mean to be cynical, but my wounds are fresh and my soul is heavy with unspoken words.
I'm allowed to be angry, even at God. It may seem wrong but He knows I'm human and am afflicted with human emotions. I know God can handle my anger I just wish He would say something to me that I can actually hear or understand.
I don't want to put on a good face today, it's tiring and it's lying and all it does is distract me for a little while anyway.
I know I sound ungrateful, I know there are many things that I am blessed with and should be grateful for and I am but to sit here and list all the things I'm so grateful for right now would just be putting on that mask again.
I know all the right answers to how I'm feeling. I know the "Sunday School Answers" and the Christian Talk but I don't want to do that right now! I want to be allowed to be very angry and very hurt and very sad and I don't want to have to struggle to feel better or be happy just because people feel sorry fir me, I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, accept maybe God... I'd like to feel something from Him.
I know I'm all over the place today but given that this is MY blog known to and read by few people or none at all; I don't really care.
This is the ugly truth. Yes I still consider myself a Christian, no I'm not perfect, and even Christians have bad angry days, it's allowed!
1 comment:
My, Sweetheart. . . how I wish I could give you a hug . . . the great aunt kind of hug that says I'm here if you want to vent . . I don't have any idea what you're going thru (Lara wasn't exactly planned when I was very young) . . but I so often wish we were closer. just remember, my heart is with you . . . I can only imagine the struggles you're going thru . . yet, I admire you greatly. Lots of love, AG
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