I'm not sure I want to write what I set out to write...
Pink has a song called Perfect where she sings:
"They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?"
I think we as humans kind of naturally wear masks, knowing or guessing what is desired or expected of us. It's easier on others, it's easier on us... it just makes sense!
I've been struggling with this a lot lately.
My problem is that I want to pretend that everything is ok all the time and I'm happy because I should be! God blesses me in so many way!
But to be honest; I'm not. I'm really struggling. I just want to sleep all the time and stay in my PJs and not leave the house, at least not somewhere where I have to see adorable little babies with their mommies.
I'm told that it's natural to want to isolate myself from stuff like that but then, I'm a foster parent! There is only so much I can isolate myself from, and I am constantly having to talk to case workers and managers, teachers, birth parents, attorneys, etc. And they don't know, or need to know my personal life or what I'm going through so that mask goes up (And here, I feel it's appropriate) but then after days of being all sweet and happy either for the team that works with and for our children, or for our children themselves, I never take the mask off and then at the end of the day or during nap time when I find myself alone I feel so tired and weak. it's exhausting and all I want to do is sleep and cry...l which is mainly what I do in my free time.
There are some people I shouldn't be hiding from. I forget to take my mask off for Ryan a lot. And then he doesn't know how to help me or comfort me and I need him to or I won't ever have friends.
I want friends but I'm afraid of trying to make them. I've had a lot of disappointments in that area of my life and the heart of a woman and the way she parents her children, bio, foster, or adopted is a huge thing in my life right now.
I know this can make me sound really judgmental and I'll be honest and admit that it's true. But I can't open up to, share my life with, and be a good friend to someone who lives their lives completely contrary to what I believe the Bible teaches.
I was doing research on the computer the other day and found that there are a lot of internet support groups online for fertility issues.
But I don't want cyber support.
I got a lot of good information from those websites though...
My thoughts are very messy and unorganized today. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it's easier to pretend than to be real.
It's easier for the person who is asking you how you are because chances are they aren't really prepared for you to dump on them.
And it's easier on you because we really don't like to feel so vulnerable and wimpy. And on a lot of days we really don't even want to talk about it... at least not face to face. For some reason putting my feelings here doesn't seem to count, and yet it makes me feel a little better.
I love these boys in my home. They are precious and sweet and it makes me think about what I would do long term with them if they were mine. How I would help academically, emotionally, developmentally, spiritually, physically.. and then it hits me; God only knows how long they will be here.
JJ has a court date on Monday. I'm taking him as the judge wants to see him and I have concerns. But in all likelihood we will have him for 2 or 3 more weeks while a home study is done on his grandmother.
He will be the hardest one to let go of. He spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all of our birthdays with us. I think we will throw him a little birthday party in a few weeks.
A is an awesome kid. He is helpful and loving and obedient, just a stellar 8 yr old. He will be hard to let go of too as we are working so hard with him to keep him from getting held back in school. He is a VERY smart kid but his parents don't speak English when they don't have to, which is at home, and so he hasn't had help with his reading and writing and English comprehension. He works hard, it's not his fault at all.
These are the things that get you really invested in a child. These are the things that make me ask God why I'm going through all of this and not allowed to have a child of my own to keep and love and grow...
I hate PCOS... it increases some of my worst stress reactions; like break outs and general skin issues and my ever constant struggle with weight... I feel so ugly. Even though, where I have cysts is not visible from the outside, I often feel like I'm walking around with growths all over the outside, like I'm wearing this disease. As if fertility issues aren't enough to rob me of my femininity, I have a disease that literally works against my feminine hormones to make me ugly and masculine.
Here's the honest, not so pretty truth of today: I am sad. I feel defeated. I'm really struggling not to run away from God. I know in my head that He is loving and has reasons... but in my heart I am screaming and crying and asking Him to not keep me from having a baby. I know in my head that He doesn't do mean things to people but in my heart I feel like he is withholding the greatest desire of my heart.
I never liked the name Hannah before... but lately it feels beautiful to me. I find her name comes up in my prayers a lot as I feel Satan taunts me about my issues. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this stuff but it doesn't make me feel like any less of a freak.
Maybe I've done something wrong... maybe I'm being punished... wouldn't a person be vividly aware if there were sin in their life that was left unaddressed?
I don't know... I'm babbling now. I guess I just wanted a minute or two to release the words hiding behind my mask before I go pretend again. I'm a pretty good actress. That's gotta count for something, right?
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