New Year, New Thoughs...

It's January.
I have mixed feelings about January.
This time last year we began planning our sweet little family and it's turned out nothing like I imagined but we are a family none the less; Ryan, myself, JJ and whatever other children come through our home.
We have been foster parents for only two months and have had four children, three of which didn't stay for more than two weeks. We have been told that this is very unusual but from what I understand, everything about our foster care journey has been... not normal. I think I'm okay with that though. As I reflect over the past two months I come to understand some very important things. Let me share with you!

We have had children for three days, ten days, and two weeks, and of course two months as we still have sweet JJ. And what I have come to recognize is that my fallible, tattered, weak, human heart has the ability to love these kids no matter how long they are here. Ryan and I have different attachments to each child but we both have loved them all.
If we, as failed a race as humans are, can love children we don't even know, having them for such a short amount of time, how much more does our PERFECT heavenly father love us, and the children we care for? It's crazy to wrap my mind around that concept.

I am a failure. I cannot love these kids enough, I cannot be patient enough, my house never stays clean, the laundry is hardly ever done when I set out for it to be and I am, unfortunately, not the best cook in the world either. But somehow God works through me and in me just the same. If God really needed us I think he would have made us less ... well, human. He doesn't need us. We need Him. And He is glorified in MY weaknesses as he uses me despite them.
I am constantly having to remind myself to stop trying to do things in my own power. I can't ever get it right on my own. BUT!
"I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."
It's not easy being a foster parent. It's frustrating, irritating, angering, devastating, ... but also rewarding, funny, sweet, and special and it's what God has called us to do. And in simplicity, if I put away everything this stupid ugly world tells me happiness is; there is no greater joy than serving my Lord and being close to Him.
I forget that all too often; (because I'm a failure on my own.)
It's a struggle of mine to make time to step outside of my day and sit with my savior for a time to talk to Him and hear from Him on a regular basis.
I am selfish, I am undisciplined and... I want to change.

I envy passionate Christ Followers (Not Christians because that term has lost meaning. Christ Followers indicates people who follow in Jesus' foot steps living as much like He did as they can.)
We have a very passionate pastor and i have a very passionate brother whom I think of when I think about the kind of passion and love I want back in my spiritual life.
Unfortunately I feel I've grown cold or at least warm and I want to be on fire.
I think maybe the emotional ups and downs of this past year have taken a toll on me and without realizing it I let Satan steal joy and focus from my life.
However;
"God is near to the broken-hearted"
And
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for the kingdom is theirs"
I feel a little stronger today. I have faced a lot of darkness in 2011 but it's a new year, a new start and through Christ, a new me.

I still pray regularly that God would grant us children of our own, and I cry regularly when another month passes with that prayer answered as "not yet" and I don't understand why we are where we are but I know that God loves me, I know that Jesus was compassionate and I know God granted a good handful of women in the Bible this same request even when they thought all was lost.
Elizabeth, Anna, Sara; My Biblical Sisters in faith.
God grant me the same faith and the same outcome.
Make all things new this year.