Family Life

We dedicated Levi to the Lord on Sunday. A little family thing as our dedication with our church is on Mother's day and created several schedule conflicts with our family members.

Hannah Kate was dedicated at about the same age and it makes me realize how fast time flies.

We dedicated Levi in San Gabriel park and it was beautiful and perfect.

Levi is becoming more vibrant, social and happy lately! Which is incredible because he wakes up every two hours or so at night!

This is something we are working on very gently and gradually but I'll admit, the sleep deprivation is starting to get to me. It doesn't help that Ryan's work is picking up so much that he often doesn't even see the kids during the day or he catches an hour or two with them before bed. So needless to say, life is getting pretty stressful for me and some days are more of a struggle than others. Exhaustion is a crazy thing... The combination of chasing and consistently (and hopefully calmly) disciplining a 2 year old all day and tending to a baby around the clock, keeping up with diapers, dishes, and laundry (Not very well, I might add) It takes it's toll. And I'm just going to be real here, not doing it well really get's to me. I want my house, my kids, my behavior, my life to be perfect... (Like it's actually attainable!) and when it's not, I feel like a failure. You'd think I'd have gotten over this by now because it's a daily issue!
That feeling of inadequacy grows and festers inside my psyche with every added night of crappy sleep, every long day my husband and I have to work our roles separately until bed time, every time I lose my temper, fail a diet or exercise goal, go to bed with a messy house or laundry left in baskets instead of put away... which, is pretty much every day.
I'd say that this failure issue is probably my greatest battle in life right now. The thing I'm forced to either bring to Christ daily, or suffer with.

But my God is so big and so gracious, that even on the days that I don't make time to bring my struggles to Him in prayer He still shows me His Love and blessings in my life and brings to light the joy I have in my kids laughs and smiles, in little blessings throughout the day, in gorgeous weather and majestic creation that just radiates true beauty and emanates original poetry. Things My God knows, speak to my heart.

My husband and I are planning a "Light at the end of the tunnel" vacation for this fall. When things calm down after the summer we will take the kids and go somewhere beautiful where we can fully enjoy God's creation in what I consider the most beautiful time of the year. Planning this trip gives us something to look forward to and brings us closer together in the little moments we get with each other.

In all things, God reminds me that His grace is enough and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He is much bigger than my failures and emotional inconsistency. :)

4 Months Old

My sweet, adorable, and precious son turns four months old tomorrow. I didn't want to wait for the actual day to blog because my chances to do so are few and far between and there has been a lot on my mind about my little boy that I want to process via the therapeutic method of writing.

I don't know who all actually takes the time to read my blog and as I have a lot to process this is going to be a very tender and honest post and I do wonder what unkind thoughts and judgements might run through people's minds who don't know me very well or maybe just don't really like me. Perhaps I'm simply very insecure at the moment (It wouldn't surprise me, I am most critical of myself and most anxious and insecure about my Mothering.) SO with that precursor.... let me begin;

I LOVE LEVI! He is the most handsome baby boy I've ever seen (I might be biased) and nothing would make me think otherwise.
But it has come to our attention that he has a flat spot on the back of his head. About a month ago we asked his pediatrician about it and she did not seem concerned at all. She said it was fairly minor in comparison to the wide variety she sees and is very common these days as we put our babies on their backs to sleep. We also now have car seats that click in and out of our vehicles and swings and bouncers that all put babies on the backs of their heads. Some babies skulls are softer than others and for some reason boys are more likely to have this issue than girls.

So, I say all that to say, Levi has Brachycephaly (Flatness of the back of the head)
And as much as I explained all of the possible contributing factors I cannot help but feel like a failure as  mother. Did I or do I not hold him enough? Why didn't I educate myself about these things more? I wear him in the Ergo a lot, I thought I held him plenty, he even makes up in the night a lot and nurses on his side.... Had I known his sleep and play rocker and car seat played such a big role in all this I would not have let him spend as much time in either and since finding it out I put the rocker away and bought a new cars eat, have been putting Levi on either side to sleep and bought him a special pillow for when he is on his back during the day or in a swing, bouncer, or car seat so I have pretty much completely eliminated time on the back of his head. His pediatrician thinks that by doing these things we can reverse the flatness but if in a month or two we don't see good results we will look into a special helmet.
It's purely cosmetic, just the shape of his head, but if there is the slightest possibility it will bother him or make him insecure later and we can fix it while he is young I will do everything in my power to do so.

I love him and think he is perfect regardless of head shape but I want him to have the best and I want him to be confident and happy with himself.

I do more research every day and have a list of questions for his pediatrician at his 4 month check up and he has an evaluation with The Hanger Clinic on the 23rd.
I'm looking into exercises and cranial massages to add to our tummy and side time play and keeping him off the back of his head.
I'm also trying to give my anxiety and since of utter failure to my great gracious God and try not to think too much about it. I know I love my children and I am now very aware of how much attention I give to each of my children; verbally, physically, emotionally.

I'm trying to remember each day to give my anxieties to God and trust Him to equip me with what I need to be a good mommy to my precious children.