Honesty is NOT Always Pretty.... Or Easy!

I'm not sure I want to write what I set out to write...

Pink has a song called Perfect where she sings:
"They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?"
I think we as humans kind of naturally wear masks, knowing or guessing what is desired or expected of us. It's easier on others, it's easier on us... it just makes sense!
I've been struggling with this a lot lately.
My problem is that I want to pretend that everything is ok all the time and I'm happy because I should be! God blesses me in so many way!
But to be honest; I'm not. I'm really struggling. I just want to sleep all the time and stay in my PJs and not leave the house, at least not somewhere where I have to see adorable little babies with their mommies.
I'm told that it's natural to want to isolate myself from stuff like that but then, I'm a foster parent! There is only so much I can isolate myself from, and I am constantly having to talk to case workers and managers, teachers, birth parents, attorneys, etc. And they don't know, or need to know my personal life or what I'm going through so that mask goes up (And here, I feel it's appropriate) but then after days of being all sweet and happy either for the team that works with and for our children, or for our children themselves, I never take the mask off and then at the end of the day or during nap time when I find myself alone I feel so tired and weak. it's exhausting and all I want to do is sleep and cry...l which is mainly what I do in my free time.
There are some people I shouldn't be hiding from. I forget to take my mask off for Ryan a lot. And then he doesn't know how to help me or comfort me and I need him to or I won't ever have friends.
I want friends but I'm afraid of trying to make them. I've had a lot of disappointments in that area of my life and the heart of a woman and the way she parents her children, bio, foster, or adopted is a huge thing in my life right now.
I know this can make me sound really judgmental and I'll be honest and admit that it's true. But I can't open up to, share my life with, and be a good friend to someone who lives their lives completely contrary to what I believe the Bible teaches.
I was doing research on the computer the other day and found that there are a lot of internet support groups online for fertility issues.
But I don't want cyber support.
I got a lot of good information from those websites though...

My thoughts are very messy and unorganized today. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it's easier to pretend than to be real.
It's easier for the person who is asking you how you are because chances are they aren't really prepared for you to dump on them.
And it's easier on you because we really don't like to feel so vulnerable and wimpy. And on a lot of days we really don't even want to talk about it... at least not face to face. For some reason putting my feelings here doesn't seem to count, and yet it makes me feel a little better.

I love these boys in my home. They are precious and sweet and it makes me think about what I would do long term with them if they were mine. How I would help academically, emotionally, developmentally, spiritually, physically.. and then it hits me; God only knows how long they will be here.

JJ has a court date on Monday. I'm taking him as the judge wants to see him and I have concerns. But in all likelihood we will have him for 2 or 3 more weeks while a home study is done on his grandmother.
He will be the hardest one to let go of. He spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all of our birthdays with us. I think we will throw him a little birthday party in a few weeks.
A is an awesome kid. He is helpful and loving and obedient, just a stellar 8 yr old. He will be hard to let go of too as we are working so hard with him to keep him from getting held back in school. He is a VERY smart kid but his parents don't speak English when they don't have to, which is at home, and so he hasn't had help with his reading and writing and English comprehension. He works hard, it's not his fault at all.
These are the things that get you really invested in a child. These are the things that make me ask God why I'm going through all of this and not allowed to have a child of my own to keep and love and grow...

I hate PCOS... it increases some of my worst stress reactions; like break outs and general skin issues and my ever constant struggle with weight... I feel so ugly. Even though, where I have cysts is not visible from the outside, I often feel like I'm walking around with growths all over the outside, like I'm wearing this disease. As if fertility issues aren't enough to rob me of my femininity, I have a disease that literally works against my feminine hormones to make me ugly and masculine.
Here's the honest, not so pretty truth of today: I am sad. I feel defeated. I'm really struggling not to run away from God. I know in my head that He is loving and has reasons... but in my heart I am screaming and crying and asking Him to not keep me from having a baby. I know in my head that He doesn't do mean things to people but in my heart I feel like he is withholding the greatest desire of my heart.

I never liked the name Hannah before... but lately it feels beautiful to me. I find her name comes up in my prayers a lot as I feel Satan taunts me about my issues. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this stuff but it doesn't make me feel like any less of a freak.
Maybe I've done something wrong... maybe I'm being punished... wouldn't a person be vividly aware if there were sin in their life that was left unaddressed?

I don't know... I'm babbling now. I guess I just wanted a minute or two to release the words hiding behind my mask before I go pretend again. I'm a pretty good actress. That's gotta count for something, right?

The Ugly Truth...

Last night my sweet husband sat with me after JJ went to bed and we talked about our life and things we want to do better and he spoke of our spiritual life as a couple and as foster parents and not just individuals; he was talking about working on that and said he could use my help for accountability.
I turned to him, tears welling up in my eyes and spoke the honest truth "I can't help you with that right now."
Ryan knows me so well. He asked if it was because I'm angry with God. I nodded and explained how I feel, and this is the honest truth:

There are days, most days, that I love being a foster mom and I am certain this is what God has called me to do and that I am following in obedience. But why this?
Ever since I was 8 years old I've wanted to be a Mommy and anything I thought about doing after that had to fit around being a mom. When i was 14 I wanted to be a best selling author and saw how I could write during nap times, play dates, and bed time.
When I was 17 I wanted to be a singer (I wanted to be a singer since I was 7 but got really into it at 17) but I knew that if I had to travel and be in a recording studio it would have to be before I had kids. When I was 18/19 I wanted to be a photographer and thought about having a home studio so I could still be a stay at home mom.
I have been putting my kids first since I was a kid! And I know that my desire for my own children is a good one, I know God put that desire in my heart. But why? God why give me such a desire for such a ling time and not grant it to me, much less call me to a task where I care for children who have been abused and neglected because there own parents can't or refuse to do what I am longing to?!
Out of all the things you could call me to do it has to be this, where I feel like I'm getting slapped in the face on a monthly basis.
And if you call me to the most difficult thing I can think of given my struggle, why not bless me with a child of my own that I don't have to hand back to someone I'm not sure will love them like I can?
Gid why do you give children to parents who hurt them and ignore them and not to parents who already love the not yet existing children they hope to have?
This is why I am angry. I am doing everything I know to do. I am being obedient even when it hurts! I am enduring! But I don't feel God here with me. I know He loves me and I know he doesn't want bad things for me but I feel like I have been seeking Him and pouring out my heart month after month asking at least for peace and contort in the midst of the painful waiting, asking for a support group of friends, kindred spirits and I feel like no one hears me. I have no peace, I feel no comfort, I don't feel God's presence and I remain obedient but I am angry. I have no friends, I have no support group. (family doesn't count for this job description) I know I'm not missing out on something I'm supposed to do before having kids because I'm called to foster care which puts the exact same limitations on me as having my own kids.
I know I'm supposed to enjoy the now instead of just hoping for the future but what part of the now am I supposed to be enjoying? The agonizing wait? The rise of hope and shatter of disappointment that plays out monthly? Falling in love with kids who just leave our home and my company? The loneliness? The ugly worthlessness I feel because I'm a freak who can't give my husband a baby? The tears I cry daily, or maybe the mask I out on to try to be or feel like or represent what a good Christian should look like in the midst of all this?
I don't mean to be cynical, but my wounds are fresh and my soul is heavy with unspoken words.
I'm allowed to be angry, even at God. It may seem wrong but He knows I'm human and am afflicted with human emotions. I know God can handle my anger I just wish He would say something to me that I can actually hear or understand.
I don't want to put on a good face today, it's tiring and it's lying and all it does is distract me for a little while anyway.
I know I sound ungrateful, I know there are many things that I am blessed with and should be grateful for and I am but to sit here and list all the things I'm so grateful for right now would just be putting on that mask again.
I know all the right answers to how I'm feeling. I know the "Sunday School Answers" and the Christian Talk but I don't want to do that right now! I want to be allowed to be very angry and very hurt and very sad and I don't want to have to struggle to feel better or be happy just because people feel sorry fir me, I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, accept maybe God... I'd like to feel something from Him.
I know I'm all over the place today but given that this is MY blog known to and read by few people or none at all; I don't really care.
This is the ugly truth. Yes I still consider myself a Christian, no I'm not perfect, and even Christians have bad angry days, it's allowed!

~Abraham and Sarah had given up hope of ever having their own children when God gave Abraham the promise that he and Sarah would have a son whose offspring would be greater than the stars in the sky. Sarah laughed at the promise of God since she was well past the child-bearing years, but God fulfilled his promise with the birth of Isaac. (You can read more about the story in Genesis 16-21.)
 
~Isaac, the son of Abraham and Sarah, married Rebekah. The Scriptures tell us in Genesis 25:21 that Isaac pleaded to the Lord for his wife who was barren. It was 20 years after their marriage that the Lord blessed Isaac and Rebekah with twin sons, Jacob and Esau.
 
~Jacob married sisters Rachel and Leah. Leah had six sons and a daughter, but the Lord had closed Rachel's womb. Rachel tried everything she could think of to have children. Once in anguish, she cried out to Jacob, "Give me children, or else I die" (Genesis 30:1). Jacob in anger replied, "Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?" It wasn't until the Lord opened her womb that she bore Joseph and Benjamin. She died giving birth to Benjamin.
 
~The Scriptures do not tell us the name of Samson's mother, but she was childless until an angel appeared to the wife of Manoah promising a male child, a Nazarite, who would judge the children of Israel (Judges 13).
 
~King David married Michal (daughter of King Saul). The Bible tells us in 2 Samuel 6:23 that Michal never bore children.
 
~Elkanah had two wives. His favorite wife Hannah was barren. Peninnah, the other wife, taunted Hannah since she had no children. Hannah pleaded with God to give her a son, promising to give him back to the Lord's work. God answered her prayer with the birth of Samuel, the last and greatest judge of Israel. (1 Samuel 1).
 
~2 Kings 4:8-17 relates the account of the Shunammite woman, whom the Bible calls the great woman. She was great in faith, wisdom, and silence. She opened her home to the prophet Elisha and made him his own little private chamber, a favorite place of retreat for him. Elisha wanted to repay the woman for her hospitality, but she made it clear that she was not seeking honor, recognition, or favors from him. Gehazi, Elisha's servant, told Elisha that the woman was barren and her husband was old. Elisha's promise that she would have a son when spring came around again was fulfilled.
 
~The Bible describes Elisabeth, the cousin of Mary who bore Jesus, as well-stricken in years and barren. She and her husband Zachariah had long already given up hope of ever bearing a child, when an angel appeared to Zachariah promising a son. That son was John the Baptist, the forerunner and greatest prophet who prepared the way for Jesus (See Luke 1 for the story.)
 
Except for Michal, God opened all the wombs of these previously barren woman. In two instances the women were clearly beyond child bearing years, yet they bore sons of promise. I do not understand the ways of God, but I know he can and does perform miracles, even today.

For some reason, I find myself really struggling this afternoon.
I am overwhelmed with a love and longing for a baby that may not even exist yet!
I found myself pouring out my heart to God yet again for this heart's desire.
Tears are inevitable some days but God opened the womb of many women in the Bible
And today i am clinging to this verse:
"He makes the barren woman of the family
a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord!"
(Psalm 113:9 NET)

New Year, New Thoughs...

It's January.
I have mixed feelings about January.
This time last year we began planning our sweet little family and it's turned out nothing like I imagined but we are a family none the less; Ryan, myself, JJ and whatever other children come through our home.
We have been foster parents for only two months and have had four children, three of which didn't stay for more than two weeks. We have been told that this is very unusual but from what I understand, everything about our foster care journey has been... not normal. I think I'm okay with that though. As I reflect over the past two months I come to understand some very important things. Let me share with you!

We have had children for three days, ten days, and two weeks, and of course two months as we still have sweet JJ. And what I have come to recognize is that my fallible, tattered, weak, human heart has the ability to love these kids no matter how long they are here. Ryan and I have different attachments to each child but we both have loved them all.
If we, as failed a race as humans are, can love children we don't even know, having them for such a short amount of time, how much more does our PERFECT heavenly father love us, and the children we care for? It's crazy to wrap my mind around that concept.

I am a failure. I cannot love these kids enough, I cannot be patient enough, my house never stays clean, the laundry is hardly ever done when I set out for it to be and I am, unfortunately, not the best cook in the world either. But somehow God works through me and in me just the same. If God really needed us I think he would have made us less ... well, human. He doesn't need us. We need Him. And He is glorified in MY weaknesses as he uses me despite them.
I am constantly having to remind myself to stop trying to do things in my own power. I can't ever get it right on my own. BUT!
"I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."
It's not easy being a foster parent. It's frustrating, irritating, angering, devastating, ... but also rewarding, funny, sweet, and special and it's what God has called us to do. And in simplicity, if I put away everything this stupid ugly world tells me happiness is; there is no greater joy than serving my Lord and being close to Him.
I forget that all too often; (because I'm a failure on my own.)
It's a struggle of mine to make time to step outside of my day and sit with my savior for a time to talk to Him and hear from Him on a regular basis.
I am selfish, I am undisciplined and... I want to change.

I envy passionate Christ Followers (Not Christians because that term has lost meaning. Christ Followers indicates people who follow in Jesus' foot steps living as much like He did as they can.)
We have a very passionate pastor and i have a very passionate brother whom I think of when I think about the kind of passion and love I want back in my spiritual life.
Unfortunately I feel I've grown cold or at least warm and I want to be on fire.
I think maybe the emotional ups and downs of this past year have taken a toll on me and without realizing it I let Satan steal joy and focus from my life.
However;
"God is near to the broken-hearted"
And
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for the kingdom is theirs"
I feel a little stronger today. I have faced a lot of darkness in 2011 but it's a new year, a new start and through Christ, a new me.

I still pray regularly that God would grant us children of our own, and I cry regularly when another month passes with that prayer answered as "not yet" and I don't understand why we are where we are but I know that God loves me, I know that Jesus was compassionate and I know God granted a good handful of women in the Bible this same request even when they thought all was lost.
Elizabeth, Anna, Sara; My Biblical Sisters in faith.
God grant me the same faith and the same outcome.
Make all things new this year.