Dear God...

You must think I am a whole lot stronger than I do! Or maybe you are just pushing me to fully trust you because there seems no other option. You know I struggle with control... Or rather the lack of any.. So why put so much out of my control at one time? I am having trouble getting A's passport so I don't know if he will be able to come on vacation with us or not, but court and mediation are before vacation so I guess he could go home before then. But if he doesn't and I can't get a passport for him we have to find someone we trust to look after him for seven days. Then there is the crazy notion of not knowing if A will be a permanent part of our family! As we prepare to move to Houston and start all over in a new city! And of course there is the now 16 month long journey of little control, waiting for our precious baby, wondering what might go wrong this month, and pleading with you to let it be, as if I have much influence on your decision or timing. God I am weary. I am trying to be obedient the best I know how but whether it be true impatience or a mixture of real emotions and artificial hormones, I am failing miserably. I don't want to do what you have called me to anymore! I'm so tired of being tired and stressed out all the time! I just want for some good to happen in our lives now. Enough with the long and sorrowful, the out of control and unknowns. Can I just have a break please!? I know you love me and you know better than I do what is good for me but I feel completely alone and astranged from you. I wouldn't be surprised if that's my own fault. I've been so angry lately... And irritated. God please, make things right in our home. Answer the pleas of my heart and the longings in my soul.