Dear God...

You must think I am a whole lot stronger than I do! Or maybe you are just pushing me to fully trust you because there seems no other option. You know I struggle with control... Or rather the lack of any.. So why put so much out of my control at one time? I am having trouble getting A's passport so I don't know if he will be able to come on vacation with us or not, but court and mediation are before vacation so I guess he could go home before then. But if he doesn't and I can't get a passport for him we have to find someone we trust to look after him for seven days. Then there is the crazy notion of not knowing if A will be a permanent part of our family! As we prepare to move to Houston and start all over in a new city! And of course there is the now 16 month long journey of little control, waiting for our precious baby, wondering what might go wrong this month, and pleading with you to let it be, as if I have much influence on your decision or timing. God I am weary. I am trying to be obedient the best I know how but whether it be true impatience or a mixture of real emotions and artificial hormones, I am failing miserably. I don't want to do what you have called me to anymore! I'm so tired of being tired and stressed out all the time! I just want for some good to happen in our lives now. Enough with the long and sorrowful, the out of control and unknowns. Can I just have a break please!? I know you love me and you know better than I do what is good for me but I feel completely alone and astranged from you. I wouldn't be surprised if that's my own fault. I've been so angry lately... And irritated. God please, make things right in our home. Answer the pleas of my heart and the longings in my soul.

Hannah Kate

My Precious Girl, I think about you all the time and you don't even exist yet. That's how much I love you! Your Daddy and I are waiting for you, or your brother, whichever comes first, as patiently as we know how. It's not easy though, let me tell you... But nothing in life worth waiting for is easy. I dream about you, about how you will look, how you will smile and laugh, what you will wear and eventually who you will be. I imagine you to be very vibrant and full of life like your Mommy, but curious, purposeful and determined, like your Daddy. I imagine you will have thick curly hair and brown eyes like us both, and be breathtakingly gorgeous. I cannot wait for your arrival. I have your room all planned out in my head. I've chosen a theme, colors, furniture and accessory ideas. I think about putting bows in your hair, changing your diapers and singing to you daily. I wonder if you will be artistic and musical like me, or athletic and sporty like Ryan, either way I think about being at games or recitals and helping you practice whatever it is you want to do. I think about having "girl talk" when you are old enough to start asking questions about life. I know you will have an adoring Daddy who loves you more than you know, already! He is not the emotional type but I wonder what we will see in his face the first moment he lays eyes on you... I wonder what kind of friends you will have, what you will want to do with your time, what you will like to eat, who you will meet, what your future goals will be. I imagine your first boyfriend and let my thoughts stop wandering there. You are not here yet and I don't want you to grow up too fast but I have so many hopes and dreams for your happiness, whatever that may look like. I can't wait to know of your presence, to meet you for the first time, to spend countless nights awake with you. You are my dream and my joy and I am learning how to be strong and Godly in my wait for you. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but you are so worth it. I love you so much. And I hope God sends you soon. Forever Yours, Mommy