Well, today we said goodbye to our sweet little JJ.
I was doing so well until I handed him to CPS and he kept reaching back for me... Now it's about 8:30pm and I keep thinking he's just in bed for the night... but his crib is empty, I didn't rock him to sleep, and tomorrow I won't wake up to his playful noises or his squinty sleepy face.
I knew it wouldn't set in until after he left... but I still don't feel prepared.
Even CPS said it was a sad departure.

I don't really know how to express what I've been feeling. I think life has just been dragging me behind a train for a good while that now that there is suddenly a "stop" I still feel like I'm moving.
I see all the things I should have done, shouldn't have done, could have done better etc.

I feel like I should be more hard core and motivated about losing weight every time I find out I'm not pregnant. And then I get to that same place a month later and just feel disgusted with myself.
Why does my brain scream at me: "If you aren't pregnant you should at least be pretty!"
Even if that doesn't exactly mean thin it definitely means... not this!
I have never weighed this much in my entire life!
A lot has happened today and I feel defeated but hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow and see some sunshine... and the gym.