Well, today we said goodbye to our sweet little JJ.
I was doing so well until I handed him to CPS and he kept reaching back for me... Now it's about 8:30pm and I keep thinking he's just in bed for the night... but his crib is empty, I didn't rock him to sleep, and tomorrow I won't wake up to his playful noises or his squinty sleepy face.
I knew it wouldn't set in until after he left... but I still don't feel prepared.
Even CPS said it was a sad departure.

I don't really know how to express what I've been feeling. I think life has just been dragging me behind a train for a good while that now that there is suddenly a "stop" I still feel like I'm moving.
I see all the things I should have done, shouldn't have done, could have done better etc.

I feel like I should be more hard core and motivated about losing weight every time I find out I'm not pregnant. And then I get to that same place a month later and just feel disgusted with myself.
Why does my brain scream at me: "If you aren't pregnant you should at least be pretty!"
Even if that doesn't exactly mean thin it definitely means... not this!
I have never weighed this much in my entire life!
A lot has happened today and I feel defeated but hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow and see some sunshine... and the gym.

Hope Rekindled

About 5 months ago our neighborhood was evacuated because of field fires that came VERY close to our home. We were very lucky that we got out with our most important possession and that our home was saved by our awesome Pflugerville Firefighters.
When we were let back in the neighborhood, I took some pictures.
This is a field literally across the street from our home that burned.



And OUR yard was protected and kept safe from any harm the fire threatened. I took this picture to show how fire debris made it's way into our yard but I'm showing you now because of how green the grass is because it was kept safe.



NOW 5 months later... This is our yard that suffered no damage from the fire

Even though the yard was spared any hardship from the fire, it is now lifeless in this season because though we have had rain recently it wasn't enough to nourish the ground to give it some green.

Now THIS is that SAME black, burned, completely damaged, dead field from before


This gives me great hope because I remember even days after the fire, seeing little patches of green shooting up from the ash.
Ryan explained that the ash from the fires acts as an amazing nutrient and now when everyone's yards are dead but safe, this field that underwent fire is alive and nourished because though fire is painful and horrible, it provides a nourishment that the other yards didn't get.

I'm claiming this imagery.
I have really struggled lately. My head knowledge and my heart knowledge have been fighting viciously recently.
I have felt like I somehow lost God's love. Like I was dead inside because of the hardship we have been going through.
We are under fire right now and I am remaining obedient and allowing my anger to slowly subside with God's help, and my head knowledge to gradually make it's way back into my heart.
And now I know that when the fire is finally over, we will grown healthy, bright and green from the ashes.

I know God still loves me. Even though just typing it still brings tears to my eyes because my human heart is limited in it's understanding of how love can allow so much pain but God has been remolding me even just today through his Psalms and songs of my own that I think he puts in my heart to help me know how to talk to Him more honestly.


Sometimes it seems like the mountains before me are much too steep
Sometimes I have to think that you expect too much of me.
And the darkness overwhelms the hope and faith I have in you
So I wander feeling lost and scared, and so very confused
I fall to my knees, begging; "Father, please, if you still love me, ... intervene"

And you say:
"Trust in me. Lean on me.
Know that I love you, and i can see what you can't see."
You say:
"Give to me, all your heavy burdens, let me carry you from here;
I know that you are hurting, I have seen every tear.
But I know that plans I have for you, and they're beyond what you can dream.
So have faith in me!"

Lately I feel alone most of the time.
Like no one can know about the tears that I cry.
And where are you in the midst of my despair?
When I need you most it feels like you are not there.
Have you forgotten me? Lost your love for me?
Do you see that I'm angry? Because I know you can change things...

But you say:
"Trust in me. Lean on me.
Know that I love you, and i can see what you can't see."
You say:
"Give to me, all your heavy burdens, let me carry you from here;
I know that you are hurting, I have seen every tear.
But I know that plans I have for you, and they're beyond what you can dream.
So have faith in me!"

I know you never left my side, but it got so dark and I can't see you.
And I know your love for me is deep but I'm so hurt it's hard to feel you.
So Father help me please,
To give these things, to you.