Family Life

We dedicated Levi to the Lord on Sunday. A little family thing as our dedication with our church is on Mother's day and created several schedule conflicts with our family members.

Hannah Kate was dedicated at about the same age and it makes me realize how fast time flies.

We dedicated Levi in San Gabriel park and it was beautiful and perfect.

Levi is becoming more vibrant, social and happy lately! Which is incredible because he wakes up every two hours or so at night!

This is something we are working on very gently and gradually but I'll admit, the sleep deprivation is starting to get to me. It doesn't help that Ryan's work is picking up so much that he often doesn't even see the kids during the day or he catches an hour or two with them before bed. So needless to say, life is getting pretty stressful for me and some days are more of a struggle than others. Exhaustion is a crazy thing... The combination of chasing and consistently (and hopefully calmly) disciplining a 2 year old all day and tending to a baby around the clock, keeping up with diapers, dishes, and laundry (Not very well, I might add) It takes it's toll. And I'm just going to be real here, not doing it well really get's to me. I want my house, my kids, my behavior, my life to be perfect... (Like it's actually attainable!) and when it's not, I feel like a failure. You'd think I'd have gotten over this by now because it's a daily issue!
That feeling of inadequacy grows and festers inside my psyche with every added night of crappy sleep, every long day my husband and I have to work our roles separately until bed time, every time I lose my temper, fail a diet or exercise goal, go to bed with a messy house or laundry left in baskets instead of put away... which, is pretty much every day.
I'd say that this failure issue is probably my greatest battle in life right now. The thing I'm forced to either bring to Christ daily, or suffer with.

But my God is so big and so gracious, that even on the days that I don't make time to bring my struggles to Him in prayer He still shows me His Love and blessings in my life and brings to light the joy I have in my kids laughs and smiles, in little blessings throughout the day, in gorgeous weather and majestic creation that just radiates true beauty and emanates original poetry. Things My God knows, speak to my heart.

My husband and I are planning a "Light at the end of the tunnel" vacation for this fall. When things calm down after the summer we will take the kids and go somewhere beautiful where we can fully enjoy God's creation in what I consider the most beautiful time of the year. Planning this trip gives us something to look forward to and brings us closer together in the little moments we get with each other.

In all things, God reminds me that His grace is enough and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He is much bigger than my failures and emotional inconsistency. :)

4 Months Old

My sweet, adorable, and precious son turns four months old tomorrow. I didn't want to wait for the actual day to blog because my chances to do so are few and far between and there has been a lot on my mind about my little boy that I want to process via the therapeutic method of writing.

I don't know who all actually takes the time to read my blog and as I have a lot to process this is going to be a very tender and honest post and I do wonder what unkind thoughts and judgements might run through people's minds who don't know me very well or maybe just don't really like me. Perhaps I'm simply very insecure at the moment (It wouldn't surprise me, I am most critical of myself and most anxious and insecure about my Mothering.) SO with that precursor.... let me begin;

I LOVE LEVI! He is the most handsome baby boy I've ever seen (I might be biased) and nothing would make me think otherwise.
But it has come to our attention that he has a flat spot on the back of his head. About a month ago we asked his pediatrician about it and she did not seem concerned at all. She said it was fairly minor in comparison to the wide variety she sees and is very common these days as we put our babies on their backs to sleep. We also now have car seats that click in and out of our vehicles and swings and bouncers that all put babies on the backs of their heads. Some babies skulls are softer than others and for some reason boys are more likely to have this issue than girls.

So, I say all that to say, Levi has Brachycephaly (Flatness of the back of the head)
And as much as I explained all of the possible contributing factors I cannot help but feel like a failure as  mother. Did I or do I not hold him enough? Why didn't I educate myself about these things more? I wear him in the Ergo a lot, I thought I held him plenty, he even makes up in the night a lot and nurses on his side.... Had I known his sleep and play rocker and car seat played such a big role in all this I would not have let him spend as much time in either and since finding it out I put the rocker away and bought a new cars eat, have been putting Levi on either side to sleep and bought him a special pillow for when he is on his back during the day or in a swing, bouncer, or car seat so I have pretty much completely eliminated time on the back of his head. His pediatrician thinks that by doing these things we can reverse the flatness but if in a month or two we don't see good results we will look into a special helmet.
It's purely cosmetic, just the shape of his head, but if there is the slightest possibility it will bother him or make him insecure later and we can fix it while he is young I will do everything in my power to do so.

I love him and think he is perfect regardless of head shape but I want him to have the best and I want him to be confident and happy with himself.

I do more research every day and have a list of questions for his pediatrician at his 4 month check up and he has an evaluation with The Hanger Clinic on the 23rd.
I'm looking into exercises and cranial massages to add to our tummy and side time play and keeping him off the back of his head.
I'm also trying to give my anxiety and since of utter failure to my great gracious God and try not to think too much about it. I know I love my children and I am now very aware of how much attention I give to each of my children; verbally, physically, emotionally.

I'm trying to remember each day to give my anxieties to God and trust Him to equip me with what I need to be a good mommy to my precious children.

A 2yr Old And A 3 Month Old

My amazing kids keep me so busy I haven't had a chance to update my blog about them!

Hannah Kate turned 2 about 3 weeks ago and she is as full of life and energy as ever before if not more.
She was potty training like a xhanp but decided one day that she just wasn't interested anymore so we are working on that this week. All we really need to do is find her motivation. She knows how to do it.
Hannah Kate has become more affectionate towards me and Ryan and more jealous of her little brother and unfortunately much more randomly aggressive towards other children. This little issue breaks my heart but we are working hard on making it a short phase. Discipline has been a large parr of her day in recent weeks but she is still sweet and big hearted and my precious little Angel ... Who just happens to be VERY two.

Levi just turned 3 months old on Thursday and today I was told he is starting to look more like me. I still think he has his daddy's eyes but his hair continues to grow thicker and more curly every day. :)
His quiet and laid back personality has done a 180. He has gotten very fussy lately and very clingy. He has also started drooling like crazy. How early can teething start?! He has also been pretty congested and really struggles with air bubbles causing him gas and discomfort so I don't MIBs holding and wearing him but lately even that isn't enough to calm him. He and HK have been a hand full lately and I admitted I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed with everything lately but I do love my job and my incredibly adorable and amazing children.

I'm trying to remember that we are on a great adventure but lack of sleep and alone time sometimes scew my perspective. I'm a work in progress :)

5 Years

Today is the anniversary of the day I married my Husband. My confidante, friend, and partner.

In the last five years we have lost family members, pets, battled infertility, journeyed through foster parenting, moved 4 different times (Not including 2 weeks in limbo where we stayed with gracious friends) we had two children of our own, made 8 trips to the ER/Urgent care center, traveled to Costa Rica, The Bahamas, Lake Tahoe, and Chicago together. We have laughed, cried, and simply lived life together, hand in hand for five beautiful years. Experiencing our fair share of trials and triumphs, good times and bad.

And now we are embarking on yet another big and exciting journey TOGETHER! We are following God's will for our family in starting our own business.
Being self employed is not easy and not a hugely desired career these days. And it requires A LOT. We are aware that what we are doing is risky, and some may deem it unwise, but even more unwise in our opinion would be disobedience to God.

The Bible is FULL of stories where God called people to step out in faith, and a lot of those times He didn't lay out His detailed plan or give more than one instruction at a time, but "Blessed are they who hear the word of God and obey" Luke 11:28

Hebrews has a chapter referred to as The Hall of Faith. A place in the Bible devoted to listing all the accounts of people who put their faith in God even when they did not understand, could not see, didn't know, or were told to do the opposite. And it was accredited to them as righteousness because they obeyed God.

I never feel closer to my husband than when we are walking hand in hand where we know God has called us to be.

I am SO proud of my hard working Man who loves me and our children so much that he puts God first, and listens to Him over the wisdom of man. That is Godly leadership. And I am happy to follow him in this great adventure God is leading us on.

I am confident we are right where we are supposed to be and we are there TOGETHER. There is no better place.
Happy Anniversary to us! :)

This Adventure We Call Life

When I was young, I thrived in a world full of imagination. I read and wrote stories for pure pleasure and loved adventures!

Today I am thankful for that freedom I had to explore creativity, imagination and excitement through fiction, fantasy, and creative writing. I still hope to be an author some day but right now my focus is on other things.

My life is a GREAT adventure! I am drawing from the childlike spirit I had that was full of positive light to see my life as one of the greatest stories ever told. (And let's be honest; some days are harder than others to choose such a perspective.)

I'm a Mom, Wife, Housekeeper, and business partner (Super Hero)
My Husband is also a father, provider, business owner/partner (Also a super hero)
We are partnering in this great adventure we call life.
We have a rambunctious little two year old best described as a toddler pin ball (She literally bounces off of walls and furniture and just pops back up and keeps running around with ENDLESS energy)
Her name is Hannah-Kate. She is beautiful, sweet, hilariously funny, and VERY two (For those of you without kids this means incredibly difficult at times.)
We also have a son, Levi who is 2 and a half months old, and poor guy hasn't had the same documentation as his older sister so far... I'm gonna try to get better about that.
He is a handsome baby. Full of life and smiling and cooing so much more lately. He was sleeping really well until his 2 month well check where we got to brag about his longest night time stretches, then he decided not to sleep more than 3 or 4 hours at a time again... hmmm. Sleepless nights... that sounds like an ingredient for great adventures! ;)

My husband and I have been talking and praying about running our own AC business for about 3 years on and off. And over the past few months it became clear that God was definitely leading us in that direction. I just had no idea how soon!
A number of issues took place at Ryan's job over the last 4 weeks that lead us to the prayerfully considered decision to put in notice at work and prepare ourselves for business ownership.
That got cut short when said business decided to deduct and entire weeks pay from Ryan's paycheck from the Paternity leave they granted him when Levi was born.
So here we are, the 3rd day with Ryan at home focusing on getting the business up and running.
I have been in charge of websites, profiles, social media, uniform, business card, flyer, and vehicle advertising design and production as well as important things like health care. I'm also still the primary caregiver for both children, (This includes around the clock nursing about every 3 hours and potty training!) and am still taking care of house hold duties.
On top of all of that I am striving to seek out ways to honor, support, and encourage my husband while managing my own anxieties about this leap of faith we have taken.
THIS IS A GREAT ADVENTURE!
And some days it feels just like that! Other days I feel on the verge of panic but even in my weakest moments I feel God's hand on my shoulder, purposing scripture in the form of song to come forth in my mind when I need it the most.
My life's verse has popped up in a lot of various places and is WELL thought of lately.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.

Here's What's On My Mind Today...

I hate politics and I hate overly opinionated conversations about politics on social media and in public conversations.

I put that pre curser out there because I'm about to address a part of a speech our president made. As I present my opinion and feelings on the matter I want to make it clear that what I am attempting to address is my decision to stay at home with my children. I am not in any way trying to bash our president and I in no way see this as a part of a "Mommy War" or have any negative comments for working moms.

Let me start with what Obama said:
"And sometimes someone, usually mom, leaves the workplace to stay at home with the kids, which then leaves her earning a lower wage for the rest of her life as a result. That’s not a choice we want Americans to make."

USA Today released an article a few months ago with the most recent statistic that only 29% of mother's with children under the age of 18 are stay at home moms.

Our society is not quiet about how it values education, career, and money over being in the home, especially as it relates to women as we strive to "prove our equality" and so it seems wrongly assumed that those of us who do CHOOSE to stay at home are stupid and ignorant of the sacrifices of our decision to stay at home.

Let me just say that this is NOT the case. We have every right to make this decision with our husbands and for our families and this decision is just as valuable and well thought out as the mother's who choose to go back to work.

I personally, have known since I was 9 years old that I wanted to marry a wonderful man, have some amazing children, and spend my time investing in them and our home. I'm living my dream!
I CHOSE not to go into debt for a college degree because I KNEW I wanted to devote myself to my children full time and I knew I wanted to have children young.
I made sure my husband knew this about me and supported that decision within the first two weeks of dating!
We BOTH understood since before we were engaged that we would eventually be a one-income family WITH CHILDREN. And we BOTH valued that decision.
We have always known that because of this personal priority we will never have a lavish life style, but we will always have just enough. (Unless God decides to bless us more immensely than he already has!)
This sacrifice has always been well acknowledged and accepted as we made our decision.
I knew from my teen years when I decided not to pursue a college degree or corporate career that I would lead a very different lifestyle from that which is more common and valued in our society.
This is something I struggle with daily. I have dealt with more comments and situations where I felt my choice was deemed wrong or a waste or unintelligent for one reason or another and am constantly fighting to remind myself that my value and worth is not in a degree or career but in Christ alone and my choice to stay at home with my children is just as valuable as the choice of those who decide to work outside the home.

I am not ignorant. People who don't care to understand why women WANT and CHOOSE to stay at home are ignorant and frankly the idea that the reason women shouldn't have to choose to stay home is because they will make less money seems to indicate that my time with my children is not as valuable or more valuable than money! WRONG!
My time with my children and my CHOICE to make them my career will ALWAYS be more important than a second income or having more money!
And raising them the way my family deems best is contributing to the future of our country by investing in the next generation!

I am PROUD of my HARD decision to stay at home with my kids and I am PROUD of my husband for taking on the role of provider by himself and standing beside me united in OUR decision to have me stay at home.

It is a sad day to me when such an important leader makes such an ignorant statement of an already persecuted 29% of Mom's. Don't make our decision seem forced. Don't make our decision seem wrong or less important or uneducated and don't you dare try to take that decision away.

Okay, it's out, I'm done.

So Much...

I'm not very good at blogging more regularly but things have been pretty crazy lately.

My church is going through Ephesians right now and is in a mini series about spiritual warfare and the armor of God and as such I am seeing a lot of life in a different way, wondering what spiritual warfare might be underlying in the circumstances I'm observing or experiencing.

My husband's sweet family has been through a whirl wind this past week as his step father went to trial for his indictment and verdict. The trial was with a jury and he was found guilty of insurance fraud. We know this to be false but it doesn't matter in the eyes of the law/government. He and his lawyers are working on an appeal but right now it looks like all of his assets will be taken and he will be given a prison sentence in February. This news has just devastated the family and really put Bob on all our hearts. He does not currently have a relationship with God so we are just covering him in the prayer that this would be his "Come to Jesus moment" and we do believe that God is calling to him and things are heading in that direction.

This past week Ryan was on call and worked a lot! The days that he was at home he happened to be very sick which means this 8 months pregnant mother of a 20 month old shouldered a lot of extra responsibility.
I'm also struggling with allergies pretty terribly and am limited in what I can take and my toddler doesn't seem able to sleep through the night anymore.
Needless to say, this Monday rolled around and I am already exhausted and extremely behind in house work.

Then my Monday decided to take a downward spiral when I got a call from my gastro dr that said they finally got all sorts of test results back that pointed to there NOT being a problem after all so they have no idea why I've had a terrible bout of illness in all three trimesters of this pregnancy even though it doesn't seem pregnant related.
I called my husband on my way home from Costco to tell him this news and my sleep deprived, sick, pregnant, mommy brain completely missed the fact that the light I just went through was RED! I got honked at and pulled over by no less than THREE police officers (THANK YOU JESUS AN ACCIDENT DID NOT TAKE PLACE) who were all quite angry with me and didn't seem to care that I was scared, 8 months pregnant and with my toddler and made a mistake! My dad saw all the officers and was worried so pulled into the parking lot to make sure I didn't get arrested or something where he would need to take Hannah Kate! I felt sad and stupid and Lord knows this ticket does not fit in our budget nor does the added stress and time of trying to take defensive driving and making it to a court house with a toddler 6 and a half weeks before giving birth!

THEN I take HK to the YMCA to meet the deadline to sign her up for All About Me for tomorrow and while I'm holding her on my big pregnant hip, filling out the paper work with one hand she leaks through her diaper and pees all over me. No big deal! I hold it together and decide it's much easier to change her and me than having to get her car seat out of the car, take the cover off, wash it, put it back together and back in the car.
At this point I decided I needed a LARGE starbucks drink and my favorite ham and swiss Panini so I go through a starbucks drive through on my way back home and by the time we get there I have drained my fully caffeinated, full of fat and calories drink and save my special sandwitch for after I get HK down for a nap.
I go into my house and find my psycho dog decided to play like a toddler while I was gone and scatter HK's toys and two packages of clean diapers all over the floor! (such clutter!) The dishes are overflowing from my sink onto my counter, the dishwasher needs unloaded and messes all over my house are just screaming at me.
My toddler was wound up and took forever to finally go down for her nap but when she did I went to my room, sat on my bed and took a bite of my special lunch.... which was NOT what I ordered!
This was turkey with something sweet and a bunch of yucky red bell peppers! NOT what I wanted!

My back hurts, I have to pee every 10 minutes and I feel I will never get on top of my crazy to do list.
This is a Monday for the records!

But.... God is bigger, tomorrow is a new day, and I can do this!